*** Warning ***

It’s another long one. Sorry, but it is a little treat for y’all. This is the blogging equivalent to a time capsule. Every computer i work on – work, home, laptop, etc. has text files scattered about, normally called something ingenious like blog.txt with one-liners and point-form arguments or stuff i want to write about. The idea being that occasionally i open it up and flesh some of them out into a post. Sometimes i can’t be arsed or don’t think they need further explanation which usually provides the shorter snippets at the beginnings of my posts. Example:

It never ceases to amaze me, Australia’s uncanny knack of achieving notoriety for something really really good, or really really crappy. It’s instilled in us from a young age. I mean we’re constantly reminded at school, “We’re the world’s smallest continent…but the largest island!”. Me and a colleague were looking up parts of Australia on Google maps the other day and were hovering over Darwin. I said oh you don’t want to live up there, they get cyclones and stuff. Really? Well they had one that i can think of – Cyclone Tracy – that was pretty bad, caused loads of damage. Interest sparked, i pulled up the wiki page to pad out my story with some ‘facts’.

cyclone tracy…world’s smallest tropical storm…

Seriously. Whatever the criteria are that defines a tropical storm apparently we had the suckiest one ever. Why was everyone banging on about it so much?

Every now and then my keyboard settings at work switch from German into English. There is some key combination that i can’t be bothered turning off that makes the change mid-sentence. It’s really only the z and y that gets you, until i tried to end a sentence with an emoticon…

Same key combination:

German settings – :o)

English settings – >o(

Smiley happy-go-lucky in Germany is angry frown in England… speaks for itself really.

They are advertising a Jamie Cullum album on tele at the moment. Quote at the bottom of the screen:

“Jamie is fantastic”

- Clint Eastwood

yeah cause that’s going to make me buy it. I like records that 100 year old cowboys like…

How many songs does Robert Plant use “Hey baby, oh baby, pretty baby…nah nah nah no do me now”? 7.

What are the limits to the term ‘no offence’? Exactly how much does it cover? “No offence mate, but you’re a cockstain!”

So looking through my documents the other day to find something i stumbled across an old entry that i wrote and never posted. Meta tags showing creation date of 15 February 2007 13:04:00, and given the subject content this is a pretty accurate description of what my life was like almost 3 years ago.

To set the scene, i’d been in Frankfurt for i guess 8 months or so, and was working a Praktikum/Internship for an absolute pittance for the Walt Disney Corporation – Life rocked! Only 2.0 can probably relate to how this really feels, though Kat had to listen to me whinge about it incessantly and did help me though it.

So i bring you (unedited)…

Me T-3

This is every week since getting a job in Germany. This goes way beyond being a creature of habit.

Monday:

Wake up and curse that it feels like minutes ago that I finished work on Friday. Promise to rest more next weekend.

Walk to work. Pass old man with a bike just standing in front of a building. If I don’t pass him he’s late or I’m late. Or he’s dead. But he doesn’t look that old. Still wonder when he’s not there.

Pass short girl with brown hair in between Bockenheimer Landstr and Taunusanlage tube stop. She is always smiling or almost laughing yet is always alone. Only two possibilities…she leaves an incredibly funny person at the tube who always tells her a really funny joke that lingers enough to keep this ridiculous smile up till I have to walk past her… or she is torturing some guy and is cynically laughing at how she holds his heart in her hands…im thinking the latter is more believable.

Get to work and do ‘Monday morning activities’ which invariably includes fitting in the development of whatever whacky zany improvements my boss has ‘thought of’ (please read as ‘read in a web designers magazine’ AND/OR ‘seen on one of our competitors sites’.)

Monday morning meeting. Discuss whacky zany improvements. Provide feedback. Feedback is ignored. Make suggestions as to why this is a bad idea. Suggestions ignored.

Go back to Monday activities which now include fixing up ‘whacky zany improvements’ from last week and making them how they were before – see ignored suggestions from previous week.

Lunch.

After lunch, spend a lot of time cursing under breath and watching the clock.

Stay back after work to catch up on emails. Started the day with 44 unanswered emails in email box. 22 of which are from people saying why have I not answered my email. Now have 74 messages, 30 of which is Kat and Squires saying shots on a Sunday is bad.

Go home leaving 44 unanswered emails.

Put music on.

Cook cheapo spaghetti from Pennymarkt which only has 20% tomato in the sauce. I hate tomato sauce. I hated spaghetti 6 months ago. Eat half and keep half in lunch box for Tuesday.

Watch snooker/MTV/Bundesliga 1 on tele, AND/OR play Spider Solitaire.

Go to sleep between 11 and 12.

Tuesday

Wake up and curse that I didn’t go to sleep earlier.

At work before I have woken up. Same boring tasks, unless there is more whacky zaniness.

Eat left over 20% Spaghetti for lunch and continue working. Can’t take lunch break cause have to leave early for school. Positive this is illegal however working full time for €400 a month should be as well.

Curse a bit after lunch and count down minutes until 5:00.

Go to bathroom till 5:15 when it is time to go to School.

Walk two train stations so I can save 40cents and get the 3-stop ticket.

Have my first coke of the week. Think about my plan of only having coke when I’m at school so that I develop some sort of Pavlovian association with thinking in German and Coke. Marvel at how I have a psychology degree.

Nervously squirm through 2 and a half hours (3 in German time) of Deutsch Lessons.

Catch train home three stops and walk the rest.

Cook something on toast. Options are: Toasted Cheese Sandwich / Beans on Toast / or Virgin BLT’s. Generally haven’t done shopping and only have cheese and butter in fridge and loaf of bread. Narrows choice down significantly.

Watch snooker/MTV/Bundesliga 1 on tele, AND/OR play Spider Solitaire.

Go to sleep between 11 and 12.

Wednesday

Wake up and curse myself for being so tired. Can’t wait till weekend.

Same things today at work.

Go home for lunch – something on toast, or fish-fingers. Sometimes have lunch with Phong.

More usual work stuff.

Finish work and stay back to catch up on emails. Spend most of time writing this blog that only 30 people in a week look at and they are all in Germany. 28 of which is Squires opening up his browser at home where he has our blogs open up automatically.

Go home leaving 44 unanswered emails.

Put music on.

Cook cheapo spaghetti from Pennymarkt.

Watch snooker/MTV/Bundesliga 1 on tele, AND/OR play Spider Solitaire.

Go to sleep between 11 and 12.

Thursday

Wake up and curse that I always curse in the morning.

At work before I have woken up. Same boring tasks, don’t care for more whacky zaniness.

Eat left over 20% Spaghetti for lunch and continue working. Thinking about weekend already. Look at what times Man U is showing so I know when I have to be in pub. If Man U aren’t showing, look at what time Chelski is playing so I know when to be in pub. Continue process ad nauseum till I find a reason to go to the pub. Under 21B’s Georgia Vs. Lichtenstein…. I’m there.

Curse a bit after lunch and count down minutes until 5:00.

Go to bathroom till 5:15 when it is time to go to School.

Walk two train stations so I can save 40cents and get the 3-stop ticket.

Have second coke of the week. Coke has no effect now. Just want sleep.

Nervously squirm through 2 and a half hours (3 in German time) of Deutsch Lessons.

Catch train home three stops and walk the rest of the way to the pub. No food at home so going for Midnight Buffet. Play pool until midnight buffet. I love Pool. If no family there, play pool by myself and have a beer, eat and at home in bed by half 12 at the latest. If family there, play Pool with squires, have several beers, 42 Jägermeisters, fall over, put buffet somewhere remotely close to mouth, and stumble home for a few hours sleep.

Friday

Thank fuck.

Don’t care how tired I am cause it’s Friday. Tell myself and everyone else I’m going to have a quiet weekend. Invariably end up going out anyway.

This could entail:

• Video Night at Squires: Typically pick up two bottles of red on the walk over….each. Check email, listen to music, drink wine, talk shit, every now and then put a DVD on, Squires getting tired at about 12 cause there’s no girls for him to try to tune, me and Kat leave, have to walk past Irish to get to both of our places, discuss for entire journey the pro’s and cons of stopping in, invariably decide to stop in for a quiet one…next few hours can vary….get home by 6 if we’re lucky.
• Playstation night at Ben’s. Meet Ben at Wormland. Get off bus at supermarket near his house in the sticks. Buy crate of beer and frozen pizzas. Walk back to his. Play playstation, listen to music, watch movies, look up good united goals on youtube. Finish crate of beer about 3 or 4. Walk to service station to buy more beer (crate) and pizza. Come back and eat pizza, fall asleep halfway through first beer.
• Laundry on a Friday (Cause United play early on Saturday). Meet Kat at Irish. Catch train to Laundromat. Throw clothes in machine, turn it on, go to nearest pub. Have one pint, go back, take our washing out, throw both of ours into one enormous dryer, set it to run twice and head back to pub. After pint, take clothes out, walk home, dump clothes on floor next to bed, but hang up work pants. Priorities. Head to Irish – carnage ensues.

Saturday

Wake up swearing out loud. Head hurts. Need to do laundry. Head hurts. Go do laundry with Kat. Eat Pizza. Wave to the same waiters at pizza hut. Order the exact same food. Have the same conversation about how we shouldn’t be drinking this much. Try to recap the night’s events. Text other people we might have seen the previous night to try to piece together what happened. Begin to make plans for tonight. Find out when football starts. Watch football. Head hurting less. Swear that we won’t still be here for Karaoke. Shots..blurry..walk Kat home.

Sunday

See Saturday with a bigger hangover. Throat sore from singing. No laundry so night begins earlier. Typically go out to eat food cause forgot to do shopping on a Saturday. Run out of bread. Still have butter. Options limited. Start thinking about work tomorrow. Know that I can’t afford to go out and plan to stay in and not go out. Receive a text that anyone is out anywhere…last remaining will power dies, liver cringes.

Possible exceptions to this are:

Man United playing Champions League or League Cup or any other reason they would be playing midweek. In which case, add beer / Jaegermeister and midnight buffet to mid-week schedule.

I have work for London to do – substitutes for TV and Spider Solitaire.

Greener pastures…

Tags: 2.0, Australia, Benj, blogs, Bon Jovi, Clint Eastwood, creature of habit, Cyclone Tracy, emoticons, Frankfurt, German, Jägermeister, Jamie Cullum, karaoke, Kat, keyboards, laundry, Manchester United, midnight buffet, no offence, pizza, playstation, pool, praktikum, Robert Plant, schlecker wine, spaghetti, spider solitaire, Squires, the irish, time capsule, Topical Storms, Triumph the dog, Walt Disney Corporation

This entry was posted on Friday, December 11th, 2009 at 12:37 pm and is filed under Ramblings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.