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Passive-aggressive whatnow?

It’s strange. I’ve been waiting for the opportunity to try my dormant wit out, yet today i feel like i could have said something on numerous occassions but find myself restraining…myself.

Must be the weather or something.

Here’s something i wrote a long time ago about reading between the lines…

Does anyone remember that episode of the simpsons where Bart was trying to teach Santa’s little helper how to do tricks, and all he heard was ‘blah blah blah blah sit blah blah blah blah’….that’s like a written conversation with women. This happens in spoken form too but is much harder to illustrate.

Seriously, girls hear what they want to hear. Guys do too, but not to the same extent.

For example, a guy may want to ask a girl two questions, maybe what did you end up doing last night? or are you still going out with him? Now there are a few rules as to how these questions come out and we know we have to pad it out with ‘normal conversation’ and not just spit out the two questions for fear of incurring the wrath of a ‘failure to communicate’ lecture. So we will put in loads of filling and pleasantries padding either side of the questions, and we will listen and nod and smile to the answers to the padding, but all we are really interested in is the answers to those two questions. You could represent our conversations like this:

Hey you,

Donec eget lorem. Pellentesque tempus eleifend turpis. In eu ante nec magna fringilla commodo. Aliquam erat volutpat. In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Mauris quam arcu, facilisis eu, porttitor sit amet, scelerisque malesuada, ligula. Proin condimentum consectetuer eros. Sed erat eros, lacinia sit amet, rhoncus vel, tempus eget, felis. Cras dignissim rutrum libero. Quisque hendrerit justo in orci. Nulla vel est dictum augue condimentum bibendum. Praesent tortor sem, iaculis in, lacinia eu, dignissim ut, libero. Nulla in magna quis lectus sollicitudin blandit. Suspendisse potenti. Nullam convallis cursus tellus. Aliquam scelerisque dapibus nisl. Donec ac ipsum porttitor tortor condimentum accumsan. Ut bibendum tincidunt lorem. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit.

Mauris scelerisque accumsan magna. Pellentesque congue malesuada leo. Sed condimentum. Duis ut nisl vitae odio malesuada convallis. Ut quis orci. Vestibulum consequat, orci quis gravida aliquet, tortor felis pretium enim, ac aliquet odio ligula quis felis. Integer ac lacus. In ac orci et orci pharetra molestie. What did you end up doing last night? Vivamus rhoncus scelerisque pede. Nam in orci at libero rhoncus vehicula. Nulla facilisi. Fusce vel nibh. Donec eu nibh et eros tempor hendrerit. Aliquam condimentum viverra augue. Praesent lectus mi, interdum eget, rhoncus sit amet, congue sed, sem. Donec vulputate, lectus vitae ullamcorper tristique, dolor massa pharetra nisl, vel vulputate odio felis elementum eros. Sed condimentum neque sed massa. Cras non mauris.

In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Vivamus nisi. Vivamus non dui vitae purus placerat commodo. Duis iaculis dapibus lectus. Nunc eget turpis. Maecenas placerat volutpat justo. Maecenas ipsum pede, sollicitudin id, lobortis eget, feugiat eget, lacus. Sed odio. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, are you still going out with him?. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Nunc aliquam nunc ut nibh. Fusce congue, erat at vestibulum ornare, mi lacus adipiscing erat, quis adipiscing urna lectus ut justo. Ut id massa et arcu laoreet accumsan. Ut tincidunt nunc a massa. Nullam commodo enim. Donec scelerisque luctus mauris. Vivamus rhoncus sapien id enim vulputate tempus. Sed eleifend posuere lorem.

Speak to you soon

Me

Ordinarily this would work in a utopian world. This is why Utopia doesn’t exist, because we would want women there but they would ruin it and we wouldn’t want it without them.

Not only do women completely ignore the two bits you want, they start interpreting some of the latin words. Start pulling you up on semantics of sentences you only put there for their benefit. Seriously, you will get lectured and then there will be speaking circles and groups of women meeting to discuss your use of an adjective in a sentence you heard on tv once and just threw it in for the extra word count. They would read the above few paragraphs as:

Cynical greeting able to be misinterpreted easily,

Donec eget lorem. Pellentesque tempus eleifend turpis. In eu ante nec magna fringilla commodo. Aliquam erat volutpat. In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Mauris quam arcu, facilisis eu, porttitor sit amet, scelerisque malesuada, ligula. I think you’re fat. Proin condimentum consectetuer eros. Sed erat eros, lacinia sit amet, rhoncus vel, tempus eget, felis. I am cheating on you. Cras dignissim rutrum libero. Quisque hendrerit justo in orci. Nulla vel est dictum augue condimentum bibendum. Praesent tortor sem, iaculis in, lacinia eu, dignissim ut, libero. Nulla in magna quis lectus sollicitudin blandit. Suspendisse potenti. Nullam convallis cursus tellus. Aliquam scelerisque dapibus nisl. I want to have sex with your friends. Ut bibendum tincidunt lorem. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit.

Mauris scelerisque accumsan magna. I’m not alright even though i say that i am. Sed condimentum. Duis ut nisl vitae odio malesuada convallis. Ut quis orci. Vestibulum consequat, orci quis gravida aliquet, tortor felis pretium enim, ac aliquet odio ligula quis felis. Integer ac lacus. In ac orci et orci pharetra molestie. what did you end up doing last night? Vivamus rhoncus scelerisque pede. I want you to tell me what to do. Nulla facilisi. Fusce vel nibh. Donec eu nibh et eros tempor hendrerit. Aliquam condimentum viverra augue. Praesent lectus mi, interdum eget, rhoncus sit amet, congue sed, sem. Donec vulputate, lectus vitae ullamcorper tristique, dolor massa pharetra nisl, vel vulputate odio felis elementum eros. Sed condimentum neque sed massa. Cras non mauris.

In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Please discuss this openly with your friends. Vivamus non dui vitae purus placerat commodo. Duis iaculis dapibus lectus. Nunc eget turpis. Maecenas placerat volutpat justo. Maecenas ipsum pede, sollicitudin id, lobortis eget, feugiat eget, lacus. Sed odio. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, are you still going out with him?. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Nunc aliquam nunc ut nibh. Fusce congue, erat at vestibulum ornare, mi lacus adipiscing erat, quis adipiscing urna lectus ut justo. Ut id massa et arcu laoreet accumsan. Ut tincidunt nunc a massa. If possible can you speak to me about this during the football? Donec scelerisque luctus mauris. Vivamus rhoncus sapien id enim vulputate tempus. Sed eleifend posuere lorem.

Please don’t let this lie, if there is anything else bugging you at the moment please feel free to incorporate it into this discussion even if it is not at all relevant and happened several decades ago.

Him

It is amazing how easily they avoid the points which we try to make, and focus on the parts we didn’t.

As i said, guys are guilty of this as well, but in a slightly different way. We take what you give us and trim stuff out rather than put it in.

Example:

Hi Sweety,

Really loved that you came shopping with me on the weekend, and hung out with me and my friends. It was great seeing you away from your friends and all your normal silly activities that you know i don’t like. I want us to be friends as well. Did you think i looked fat in the jeans i was wearing? Cause Jackie said i did, but i said she was a cow. But she did have nice earrings exactly like mine with the dangly bits so we had a pillow fight to sort out our differences. I really think you should drink less and have less fun. Do you like my hair? One of my friends thought I heard that she said that you said that i heard that someone else had said that she was a fat cow. Did you? Anyway have to go, meeting the girls for brunch and then after we’re going shopping for big sunglasses. I’ll call you during the game.

xx The divine miss me xx

I’d love to highlight the points she is trying to make in this, but I have no comprehension of what the real point is other than to frustrate us.

Guys receive this message and it is almost like those posters where if you stare at them long enough you see a sailboat. On first reading (and i use the term lightly – it is most probably a quick scan) it seems like a collection of words, seemingly none of which have any interest to you and who’s contemplation would not likely raise your spirits in this lifetime. When we actually do try to comprehend the message this is what we see:

Hi Sweety,

Really loved that you came shopping with me on the weekend, and hung out with me and my friends. It was great seeing you away from your friends and all your normal silly activities that you know i don’t like. I want us to be friends as well. Did you think i looked fat in the jeans i was wearing? Cause Jackie said i did, but i said she was a cow. But she did have nice earrings exactly like mine with the dangly bits so we had a pillow fight to sort out our differences. I really think you should drink less and have less fun. Do you like my hair? One of my friends thought I heard that she said that you said that i heard that someone else had said that she was a fat cow. Did you? Anyway have to go, meeting the girls for brunch and then after we’re going shopping for big sunglasses. I’ll call you during the game.

xx The divine miss me xx

churchill

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7 witty retorts to “Passive-aggressive whatnow?”

  1. julia says:

    just some girly lorem ipsum : neque porro quisquam est qui dolorem quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit…..

  2. Squires says:

    Never say noone…

    how does matt rate?

  3. TomiHendrix says:

    I’m assuming what you have written is therefore non-girly real Latin? That should come in handy at some point…meeting the pope…giving Mass…learning Romanian…ummm… yeah i’m out. Back it up with a Philosophy degree and you should be good to go ;o)

    You guys kind of missed the point of using lorem ipsum then?

  4. Squires says:

    yeah, I find that I always tend to focus on the latin and am not able to focus on the layout…ermmmmm…..wrong again…

    Which plugin did you choose for the email followup thing at the bottom?

  5. TomiHendrix says:

    It’s not the layout doofus. Lorem ipsum is recognised gibberish…ergo, the majority of what people say to eachother is gibberish mean’t purely for the purposes of padding out their real wants and needs from a conversation to avoid sounding rude. Hopefully someone else got that…

    Plugins are ‘Subscribe to comments’ and ‘subscribe to comments now!’ The second one needs the first one to function. But i haven’t even tested them. Have you tried to subscribe to here? Can you forward me the email you get?

  6. julia says:

    as a matter of fact this is a lorem ipsum…and i somehow left out a word after (do)lorem….. i left out ipsum….funny…..or not

  7. Squires says:

    I got your point matt…as we’ve already discussed I was talking around your point becuase I’m on a higher plane of consciousness than you are :) dorkwad!
    As for Julia she’s german so she probably knows latin amongst her 12 other languages.

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