So most of the time it is probably not really clear where the provocation comes for me to spit my bile at someone or something. Probably a bad choice of words given last Fridays effort. I’m pretty sure Berger and Keith know where my bile came from. But i’ll show you this time the motivation for this post.
Cue Metallica circa ’94:
Pretty crap right. If only i had known this when i was at the gig in the next clip:
So at the time i thought this was kind of cool you know. I wasn’t completely sold on Will Duvall by this stage (i am now). Had i have known that he was openly taking the piss out of Layne some 12 years earlier then i probably would have thrown my shoe at the prick as well. On a day when the main stage lineup was Alice in Chains followed by Deftones, Korn and Tool and ALL of the bands gave props to AiC and how good it was to see them performing again then this kind of cheapens it for me now.
So anyway, it got me thinking how much Metallica actually annoy me. So here is a little sketch for you. I wish i could draw cause i picture this in my head as a cartoon but unfortunately im a tard when it comes to drawing so you jut get the script. Maybe someone else can draw it up.
The demise of Metallica
New bassplayer who kind of looks like the guy from Korn: Man, the new album is dop yo. We got this phat sound it’s like proper old school y’all.
Lars Ulrich: I’m sorry, what?
James Hetfield: I told you man. That’s how the kids of today talk man…he’s going to reunite us with our estranged fans man.
Lars Ulrich: But, aren’t you like 50?
Kirk Hammett: You know why they’re estranged don’t you Lars? Remember Napster? Yeah great job there dude. Alienate all of our fans that use a computer. Look around at our gigs now man, it’s a bunch of prehistoric rock dinosaurs man. These cats in their tight black jeans and leather jackets man. They still want our albums on vinyl!
Lars: Is your hair receding Kirk?
Kirk: Shut up man, my forehead hasn’t finished growing yet…
Hetfield: So what do you want to do for the gig tonight man…you wanna do that Layne Staley bit again? Where we pretend to shoot up?
Lars: Yeah man! That’s some funny ass shit!
Kirk: Don’t you think it’s kind of retarded that we make fun of him for using, when James you had to go to rehab, and we all had to go to counselling for our own problems and addictions…and then we made a movie about how retarded we are…
Lars: You are…
Kirk: You know i was thinking, you know how we’re a bit short on cash thanks to St. Anger being crap…maybe we can sell your second bass drum…it’s not like you use it…
Lars: Hey Fuck you man…there was that bit in ‘One’…i used it towards the end.
Hetfield: Dude that was like 20 years ago…
Lars: Fuck you greybeard!
Hetfield: Yeah nice nipple rings on your saggy old man boobs!
Lars: Speaking of St Anger…did you forget how to solo Kirt?
Kirk (imitating Lars): Hey guys i got this new beat i want to try out for the new album…it goes “Kick..snare..kick..snare..kick..snare..kick kick..snare” Fucking best work i’ve ever done.
Hetfield: Why do you play with your shirt off? It’s not like are working hard. You’re like drumming 101…seriously Meg White learnt to drum off our last four albums…
Kirk: We even asked her to join the band when we got the new bassist, but she refused to play any of your work saying it was beneath her.
Lars: Yeah well we tried to hire Joleon Lescott for lead guitar as well, but he didn’t want people confusing him for your forehead!
New Bass player: Guys come on man, this shit is whack yo.
Hetfield: Hey shut the fuck up new guy! What’s with the basketball shorts and singlet tops man? Did you not get the memo? Black jeans. Black shirt. Black accessories. Black! We’re a heavy metal band! We’re fucking Metallica! Metal is in our name! You can’t spell Metal without Metallica..no wait..Metallica without Metal…yeah Metallica without Metal…cause we have metal inside us!
Kirk: We’re like the terminator man, metal on the inside, flesh on the outside…we are musical terminators.
Hetfield: That’s awesome man…i’m gonna write that shit down. I feel Unforgiven IV coming on…
Lars: I can hear the beat in my head already…
Cunts the lot of them.
Tags: Alice In Chains, Berger, Cunts, Deftones, Double Kick, Drumming, James Hetfield, Joleon Lescott, Keith, Kirk Hammet, Korn, Lars Ulrich, Layne Staley, Meg White, Metallica, Napster, One, Robert Trujillo, Rock am Ring, Some Kind Of Monster, Terminator, The demise of Metallica, tool, Unforgiven, Will Duvall