Petr Cech – Thin-skulled cunt.
Ashley Cole – Thieving cunt.
John Terry – Racist cunt.
Alex – Big cunt.
Ricardo Carvalho – Cunt of the highest order.
Jose Bosingwa – Monobrowed cunt.
Michael Essien – Criminal cunt.
Michael Ballack – Overrated cunt.
Frank Lampard – Can’t play with the overrated cunt.
Florent Malouda – We really wanted the other French cunt.
Deco – Injured cunt.
Joe Cole – Short short-wearing cunt.
John Obi Mikel – Can’t find his way out of heathrow cunt.
Salomon Kalou – Either a Dutch or an Ivorian cunt, depending on his mood.
Didier Drogba – Diving cunt.
Nicolas Anelka – Can’t play with the diving cunt.

As for the rest of their squad:

<Insert name here > – Who? Still a cunt!

Q: Do you like coldplay?
Me: I don’t think ‘Meandering’ should be a recognised genre

Do you ever get the feeling you have to do something you don’t really want to do, for the benefit of others? I’ll help you redefine altruistic behaviour…

Why do shops sell balaklavas? When was the last time someone used a balaklava for anything but committing crimes? If a balaklava shop was to get held up, i don’t think the police should bother investigating. So you’re saying you didn’t get a good look at him because he was wearing a balaklava? You made your bed…lie in it!

The delete key on my new keyboard is massive…finally removing things is getting as much respect as entering them…

A word of advice, Bitburger Sun – Not Corona! Seriously…i know what you were attempting there, but it didn’t work. Stick to being German and put fruit or cola in there if you want variety.