So i’m not allowed to discuss the c-bomb and now i can’t talk about fashion either. There’s just no keeping Squires’ high-brow audience happy is there. I might go back and edit my post (if i can’t write a new one) to include ugg-boots worn outside the house – that’s a definite no-no.

Me: There really are a lot of fit women in Frankfurt
Berger: There is a huge difference between ‘fit’ and ‘accessible’.

I used to watch a lot of stand-up comedy when i was living in Australia. I’d go to uni during the day and straight to work at the Rusty (RSL, club, pub) and then get home at 1-2 in the morning or so. Of course you can’t go straight to sleep as anyone who has done shift work will tell you, so i’d watch tele. What else is on at 2 in the morning than the comedy channel.

I remember this clip and I’m paraphrasing something i saw about 8 or 9 years ago here, but if it rings a bell and someone could tell me the comedian’s name i’d be much appreciative. Google gave me nothing.

You know when you fancy a girl and she tells you that everything is so good between you that she’d just like to keep it as friends? Imagine that in a job interview…

Thanks for coming Tommy. We’ve had a look through your cv and it’s very impressive. You’ve got written down here that you’re honest, not afraid of commitment…you’re good looking (creative licence rocks!)…we’ve seen you’re hilarious…basically you are exactly what we are looking for, but we’d just rather not. We admit, you are perfect for the role, in fact so much so that if you wouldn’t mind we’d like to keep your cv on file and call you to complain about the guys that we do take on and how bad they are at the job…

Want to know how to keep a fool waiting? I’ll tell you next week…

No seriously, do you want to know how to keep a fool waiting? Send him a text message which reads:

* some text missing *cking Amazing!!!

Watch how long they wait for the rest of that message to show up…

I have realised i have become desensitized to life in general. For a while i thought my body was just rejecting life. Strange illnesses, bites and rashes…it was just like i was allergic to being. Now it seems my mentality has joined the party. I don’t know that i experience polarities of feelings anymore. I don’t really get happy, or sad, or find things funny or scary or horrifying – i get annoyed a lot but that doesn’t really count. I find it hard to remember a time when i could truly answer “i’m happy”. Sure, United winning cheers me up briefly, and music still elicits a reaction, but the rest is some sort of unresponsive, indifferent, grey numbness. I can’t surround myself with music and football every day. I watch movies and tv and barely register that it’s on. How did i like the movie? It was ok. Was it? I have no idea. It is my standard response to everything. How are you? I’m ok. Am i? I wouldn’t know. I’ve given up caring. I’ve managed to remove almost every thing or person which was causing me anxiety or stress from my life, to the point that i just float around independent of connection. I look forward to the occasional argument to fire up the coals of my wit to see if it still works. Would a change of scenery help? Probably not. I don’t know what would. I’ll just carry on my semi-detached existence hoping that something sparks me back to life. I’ve gone from being a man of bridled enthusiasm, to being a man of bridled participation.

Told you i was fucking hilarious.

I never managed to grow dreadlocks…coincidentally i never became a Bike Courier either…

I think i may have come up with a valid explanation. Everything i have whinged about with regards to German behaviour can be explained.

It’s peripheral vision…

Or, more precisely, a lack thereof.

Think about it. You know when you are on the train platform waiting for the u-bahn or s-bahn, and you have to keep studying the train map in front of you or pretending to check through text messages on your phone because there are 85 German people to your left staring vacantly in your general direction or past you down the abyss of a tunnel to your right as if it will make the train get there faster? It’s not that they believe it is going to make it come faster…it’s just that they have no idea if it is approaching or not because they can’t see any movement unless they are actually facing that direction.

Queueing or lining up. It is not that they have no concept of the people around them, it’s just that they don’t know you are there. Don’t feel slighted if they push in front of you from an angle or order before you at the bar even though you were clearly there before them. Remember…they only see the bartender, and then blackness to either side. It is not their fault.

Now that i think about it, I hadn’t taken this into account when i wrote about people bumping into me on the train. I don’t recall any of the people doing it having been facing me. They were genetically incabpable of noticing me.

Why do their footballers only score from corners? It makes perfect sense…the corner taker is facing in field to the goalmouth, with at least 7 or 8 of his team mates facing directly back at him. How best to execute a header? Face the ball as it is coming in to you…then turn your head when you contact the ball until you are facing the direction in which you want the ball to travel…i.e. the goal. No peripheral vision necessary.

Basketball? Totally reliant on peripheral vision. German presence? Slim to none. What, 2 NBA players in the last 20 years. A european championship some 16 years ago?

Formula 1…THERE ARE BITS OF YOUR CAR TO YOUR LEFT AND RIGHT! YOU ONLY NEED TO SEE STRAIGHT AHEAD! No wonder Schumacher dominated. It’s like a blind person…take away one of their senses and the other sense becomes stronger! Everyone remember him turning in on Damon Hill in ’94? Not guilty. Physically incapable of knowing he was there. Schumacher turning in on Jaques Villeneuve in 97? Not guilty. He cannot possibly see to the side of him. In 2006 when he pulled his car up going into the corner during qualifying to stop Fernandocunt Alonso from beating him to poll? He clearly could not see the road continued on round a corner to his right…

Still doesn’t explain socks and sandals though…

A blast from the past