Have you ever watched old people? I mean not just watching them as they walk at an ever decreasing pace in front of you. I mean i walk slow but i’ve seen retarded, one-legged ants cover a greater distance than some of them. They would probably be able to move faster if they just jumped and let the earth’s rotation move underneath them. But i mean proper watched them from some vantage point? waiting for a train or something like that? Sooner or later they will stop and check what they’re doing…as if they are not 100% sure they should be doing it. Like when they randomly stop everyone around you at the airport to get their bag swabbed and you’re not really sure if you are allowed to walk through or they are going to call in special ops to hunt you down…

I watched this guy today, walking along carrying a bag. After about 10 metres he stopped looked down at the bag…brought it up towards his face a little for closer inspection…obviously was happy that it was in fact a bag…then lowered it again, this time trailing his eyes from his hand up past his wrist, via the elbow and then into his chest as if to say…will you look at that…it’s me holding that, that is. Should i be holding it? I don’t know. But i am…and then continued to walk on. Either this was his first successful attempt at carrying a bag, or he was merely confirming his own actions. Like he may have just forgotten that he was walking carrying a bag.

I shouldn’t take the piss out of old people, being all senile and stuff. Could happen to anyone i guess. I’ve always found the best present to give older people are memories. I mean they are 100 years old and stuff so probably have everything by now anyway…so give them a memory. The classy thing is, that if they do have a bit of the senile about them, you don’t even have to give them their own memories…or yours. Just make shit up. Remember that time when we went to Antarctica together? That was grouse. Yeah remember the camera froze over so we lost all our photos. You were so funny…what you did to that eskimo…sorry Inuit. We certainly learn’t that one the hard way didn’t we… ha ha ha. Well, see you next Christmas!

You may have noticed i tend to swear a lot. To quote my Mum’s words:

“It’s ok, i won’t stop you writing like that cause i don’t have time to read it anyway.”

I mean with those sorts of glowing references you can see why i like writing.

“But you know…girls don’t really like…you know…THAT word…”

It’s kind of cute that my Mum assumes this is the way i’m pulling chicks. Kind of cute but somewhat alarming…

But see what i don’t get is people that swear in print, but they do it with like weird characters replacing the letters but so you still know what they are saying. The ONLY reason to do this is to avoid swear filters at work and that sort of thing. I understand that. That’s when umlauts and special characters come in handy.

Sh!t Fück Cünt Ärse P€nis Lädyb!ts etc.

But why do it on other mediums…texts, wastebook etc? What is the purpose. Do these people think that actually seeing the word is worse than the meaning behind it? Who are these cretins? How did the world end up this way?

Sally Spastic is f%&ked off at her sl&tty friends!

We clearly know what you are saying, so just say it you retard. Is this like some weird way of saying, look don’t get me wrong…and then berating someone?

I hope people don’t think i’m rude but… Tomi Hendrix f%&king hates you. Hates that you breathe the same air as him and wishes you to choke and die you f$%king c#%k-stain c%&t!

Going back to that bag-swabbing bit at the airport, i’ve been flying a lot recently and so have gotten used to the routine of security check-in and what have you. I’ve even bought a little netbook thingy for when i’m waiting at airports. So anyway i went to check-in the other day at Frankfurt and took my laptop out and they pulled me over to the side and said we’re just going to need to test your laptop for a bit. I’m like fine. But as we’re walking over i started thinking…i wonder what my last webpage was… if they open it up it’s just going to come up with the browser…fuck i hope it’s not Stella’s Lesbian Adventures…

How successful is this test anyway? Who is making bombs and says, hang on a minute…i might just go check Facebook?

John Smith became a fan of over-the-counter fertilizer, Hydrogen Peroxide, and Sixteen other pages.

What, John Smith can’t be a terrorist too? Racist pricks!

Speaking of stereotypes, took my seat on the plane the other night on the way to London. 24B if i’m not mistaken. Watching this blonde surfie chick walking down the aisle looking at the row numbers. She stops in the row ahead of me and says to the girl by the window – ummm i think you’re in my seat? – and shows the girl her boarding pass.

“Your seat is 10C. 23A is the gate…”

Bless.

I’ve also been travelling a bit. I ended up flying off to Singland for Easter / birfday. It was a fairly rash decision so i paid the price of last minute booking. Luftie ended up being the cheapest…and for a reason… I’ve never really had a problem with Lufthansa, having only flown them short haul to London and various other European jaunts. This was to be my first, and hopefully last long-haul trip with them. I don’t think i have fancy tastes or needs…but a fricking tv screen shouldn’t be too much to ask for should it? Apparently it is for Luftie. One tv screen per 5 rows in the middle of the aisle hanging down from the roof. What is this, the 70′s? Excuse me miss, i speak Jive….I kept waiting for the cigarette light to go off so everyone could start puffing away.

So i was less than impressed. Even more so when i found a German family sitting in my seats. My sister, who was meeting me in Singland, had texted me to say she had been bumped into business class cause they had overbooked. So i found the nearest air steward chappy to find out what the deal was. “Look they are a whole family so if it’s easier to move just one person i don’t mind…”. 10 minutes later and they found a seat for me…in Economy (D’oh)…next to this massive polish guy (D’oh!!). So here i was squeezed next to Polski produkty for 11 hours. Good thing i had a fool proof plan on how to get to sleep.

I’d been up since 5 or so for the early shift at work, had worked through and then gone home to pack. A couple of brewskies while i packed and another quick tipple out at the airport. I’d forced out a couple of visits to the jacks so i should be right for this flight (window seat people have to be prepared). I figured 1 or 2 glasses of wine with the meal and i would be out like a light. Not knowing the standard procedure i had to try to wing it in terms of nailing down that second glass of wine without having to ask for it and looking like the alco guy over buy the window.

“Thankyou ladies and gentlemen, we will shortly be providing a cocktail service followed by meals accompanied by cold drinks”

Cocktail service hey? Can just imagine Hennifer coming out from the galley with her cart of crushed limes and ice ready to fire me up a Caipi… Sadly this only loosely translates into drinks before dinner. I was still watching the rows in front of me order their drinks just to get a feel of what was and was not allowed. Three people ordered Campari on ice…i’ve worked in bars in three different countries for over 5 years and never, ever once poured a Campari and anything…

So the chappy makes his way to our row. “I’ll have a red wine and a water please.” Polski produkty had a neat whisky i believe. Nothing for the elderly woman on the end. 10 minutes later i didn’t notice the woman walking back up the aisle from behind us offering refills for wine drinkers…dammit! That might have been my window of opportunity. I’m just going to have to ride this one out. If Polski produkty goes in for another drink i’ll ride his coattails, otherwise that’s me done for the journey.

The food follows shortly, a combination of various foodstuffs which i don’t eat, lying on top of things which i do eat. lovely. Lo and behold another offer of drinks as well. My plan had come to fruition! Well, the schematics of it anyway. Unfortunately it did not put me into a very deep sleep and i awoke with Polski produkty’s nose several cm’s from my face. I think i have curvature of the spine now from spending the rest of the flight up against the wall trying to avoid him touching me. Don’t feel bad Polski Produkty, it’s not you it’s me. I’m a fan of personal space.

Singapore was great as usual. Father came over to visit from the Philippines, and Aleisha was flying back from Frankfurt so we had a great crew. The place we were staying at was incredible. There’s something to be said for expat wages in Singland ;)

Monday night and it was time to fly back to the furt… notice how i avoided any mention of a football match having taken place? Same sort of setup…i stayed awake as long as possible with the intent of my 3 wine plan coming to fruition and knocking me out until i arrive in the furt early Tuesday morning. Notice also how the 2 Wine plan has now been upgraded. Long Haul Flight Management 2.0. Cocktails dude comes around…glass of red thanks. Spot girl coming back up the aisle, one refill thanks. Food comes out, ill have another thanks. Feeling mightily please with myself i hand over my plates to the guy and sit back contentedly, only to notice the food-collector also dabbles in a bit of brandy and baileys distribution. God dammit!! You’ve won this round lufthansa…I hope there’s not another round!

That’s all i’ve got time for at the moment.

Do you feel cheated? I’ve just written a page on nothing more than the drink service of a return flight to Singland. bet you can’t wait for the next instalment. Well guess what, you’re going to have to….

Ok i have another post written but i’m still deciding if i should post it, so in the interim here’s another old Xanga one.

I saw Johhny Cash this morning. He’d lost a bit of weight and turned German but he seemed well…

I Strongly suggest, given the opportunity, that everyone walk home drunk at least once in their life listening to my ipod. Admittedly this is a goal very few of you, if any, will ever achieve and i am sorry for this.

I suppose i have to give a bit of background information if this story has a chance of working.

So i have a new ipod now after my old one didn’t survive the journey home. A lot more memory to play with this time so i don’t have to be restrictive in what i throw on there. Anyways, i went through a phase once when i tried to ‘acquire’ as much of Mike Patton’s work as possible. Basically i would google and read as much as i could and try to find it. Similar to the endless search for the Nine Inch Nails Halo’s…i digress…So now i have several hours of Mike Patton’s finest and indeed worst creative moments scattered about my Ipod.

This is a good thing!

I think it is a sign of someone’s genius when their good stuff is sooo good it makes you overlook how bad their bad stuff really is. It’s the same with Trent Reznor, Maynard etc. They have all released some really really really bad stuff. Yet if you were to float an mp3 out there with a description “Rare recording, Trent Reznor, Mike Patton, Maynard James Keenan collaboration” it would move like hotcakes. Apparently hotcakes move really fast in America. Actually, probably add Bowie or Nick Cave in there as well for a bit of obscure credibility, Rick Rubin as producer and you have a hit on your hands. Pretty much they could fart in the general direction of a microphone and people would try to ‘acquire’ it…i digress a little further…

So during the day, my ipod is not that bad really. Bit all over the shop, but generally good enough that i don’t have to take it out of my pocket to skip through something. But at night, particularly when under the influence, it appears to take a life of it’s own. Do you remember the first time you saw the video to Aphex Twin’s Come to Daddy? Now i like my horror flicks, and possess a good consitution when it comes to gore and violence etc. I found Dr. Gunther’s Anatomy for Beginners quite amusing and interesting, not shocking. Remove the skin from a cadaver and hang it on a giant hook next to the exposed cadaver flesh…good idea! Have a naked live chick standing next to it so the geeky guy with better English than Gunther could point out what we were looking at…tops idea! Having a bloke with his bits out so the geeky guy could do the same…not so necessary.

How far can one digress and keep it within the realm of a digression as oppose to a loss in focus? Is there a difference?

oh yeah, come to daddy…this was truly shocking to me. The flashes of clips proving to be slightly more suggestive than subliminal…the little girls with his face. It’s truly chaotic and horrific…welcome to my ipod. One minute you have Foy Vance tip-toeing through a melody and then suddenly Mike is screaming in 7 different tongues at you, and then he’s gone… magical!

That was really a long explanation for such a small point…I think i have contracted Squires…is it treatable? :o)

Basically i have just tried to namedrop as many alt-rock (insert cool dark music alternative sub-genre here) people into this entry so when google sweeps over it i should get a few more hits from Internet Goth fiends…

Something..something..something..generic darkness…..
Something..something..something..bleeding…..

I digress…

So this pommy whose uppance will definitely come to him, mentions the folklore of our esteemed prime minister Bob Hawke whose wikipedia page is where today’s journey begins. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_Hawke)

Really only one thing to note for most people who don’t give two shit’s about politics, and that can be found in the ‘Early Life and Education’ section. Specifically:

His academic achievements were complemented by setting a new world speed record for beer drinking: a yard glass (approximately 3 imperial pints or 1.7 litres) in eleven seconds.[8] In his memoirs, Hawke suggested that this single feat may have contributed to his political success more than any other, by endearing him to a voting population with a strong beer culture. [9]

Yes that’s right. The 23rd leader of our country was in the Guinness Book of Records for chugging a beer!

Seeing as i can only ever distinctly remember him and John Howard running my country i decided to click on the ‘Prime Minister of Australia’ to see who had been the longest serving. Apparently Mr Sheen, Johhnny Howard was at 11 years 8 months and 23 Days. Then i noticed a fellow from the Country party (which i didn’t even know existed) was Prime Minister for 23 days so i thought i better check out what the story was there.

Turns out John McEwen was the Country Party leader at the time when Harold Holt went for a swim and never came back. When the search proved fruitless, McEwen was sworn in on the pretense that it was to be a short-lived position till a suitable replacement was elected by the liberal party. The person they proposed was William McMahon, who McEwen despised personally ‘possibly due to his rumoured homosexuality’. The plot thickens.

Over to Billy McMahon’s page and a quick perusal finds out he remained unpopular with colleagues despite being highly capable, and there were frequent rumours about his homosexuality. Despite these rumours he later married aged 57 and had a three children, including a son Julian McMahon. Sound Familiar?

Julian McMahon is an Australian actor and former fashion model most noted for his role as womanising platic surgeon Christian Troy on Nip/Tuck and also Cole Turner in the series Charmed. Dad – allegedly homosexual prime minister of Australia, son model/actor in American soaps whose career began on Home and Away and was married to Dannii Minogue. Kind of writes itself doesn’t it.

From there i swiftly went through charmed and ended up on Alyssa Milano…well her page anyway…

Six clicks from Bob Hawke and you get Alyssa Milano. Perhaps if more political discussions led to Alyssa Milano i would take more of an avid interest in politics. Perhaps.