So i thought, I’ll make some posts out of them. I’ll pad it out with things that piss me off at the moment or observation’s I’ve made today and see how i go. Then i can always crap on about that day’s song for a bit of extra padding. There’s also a special treat as i have recently unearthed two word documents on my hard-drive dated sometime in 2007 that i may or may not have published. Again, i don’t have the inclination to go and look to see if i have in fact published these already. What do you call someone who lacks inclination? Flat? Horizontal? Inclinatedly challenged?

How come, if – not that i want to but just hypothetically speaking, if – i wanted to take a poo in the middle of the street…again I’m not saying i think about doing this but just for the sake of the argument…how come i would more than likely be arrested, but it is ok for a police horse to just walk up a road and shit all over a perfectly good pedestrianised street? Is this because they are animals? Like dogs? How come the police don’t have to get down off their horses with big bags to pick up their horsey doo doo? Here’s a thin napkin. Smell that copper? Smell’s like servitude…

Things that piss me off at the moment:

- Buying a widescreen tv and still having to watch things with the fucking black bars at the top and bottom of the screen.

- Tv commercials for Amazon Kindle. So it’s a digital version of a book right? Well they don’t show people gathering in parks with 5 or 6 people hovering over the latest Dan Brown novel or a young couple falling over each other flipping through the next Patricia Cornwell novel. Since when were books a sociable thing? I imagine Patricia Cornwell’s novels are a big money spinner for the kindle. You basically just have the shell of the novel written and use a random word generator to come up with a new title, location and victim’s name. Well it’s a battle between her and John Grisham for least overheads…

So I don’t really like the questions of the 30 days song challenge…I basically just want to force my music on other people for a month. Deal with it.

Two days ago i was in London, for a one night stopover for work to learn some stuff that i need to teach some people in Hong Kong next month. What happened? We went out for a few drinks and the person who was supposed to teach me never made it in the next day. I should be fine right? So i had a normal day at work and was supposed to meet a mate for a beer then hang out in the business class lounge just to see how the other side live. Fast forward to when i’m waiting for the aforementioned friend and i decide to double-check my printout to see how much time we have to drink. Turns out i’d been looking at the arrival time. Time to get the fuck out of dodge.

Fast forward a bit further an i’m scrambling for sleep at home with the promise of a late shift the following day beckoning, and only two more days till my Mum arrives for three weeks of travel through the Scottish Highlands and visiting the relo’s in Austria. I awake to a phone call from my Sister to say that Mum has broken her leg on a train and the doctors are refusing to let her travel.

My mind goes into overdrive. I have three main options. A) Cancel my holidays and go into work to help out the guys with their new roll-out plans… B) Keep my holidays and do the things i had booked with Mum anyway and fill in the gaps with some trips to Old Trafford or something…or C) Cancel everything and high-tail it to Oz…

No-brainer!

So now i’m sitting on a plane with the sudden realisation that i will be home in a day or so… Was there a board meeting at Qantas at some stage where some young upstart thought it would be a good idea to enrich the on-board entertainment radio channels with intermittent static to give the effect of Vinyl? If so it appears he was overruled by some geriatric who decided the gramophone needed a comeback…seriously..what the fuck? The movie channels are fine.

I have to warn you about my writing style at the moment though. I’m easily influenced by what i do, read, write and see, when it comes to creating my own work. Look at my accent…this is not a conscious effort on my part..this is just how it happens…like a Lufthansa cancellation policy…this is just how it is. Whatever i read or watch seems to influence how i tend to write. So keep in mind i’ve been watching mainly Family Guy every night before falling asleep. Anyone who gets a chance to read my journal can probably pick the time-frame when i was reading Kurdt’s journals.

After 5 beers and two red wines, Hot Tub Time Machine is a great movie. Only time will tell if i was swayed by the bottle…John Cusack is good. Good. The best adjective i have at my disposal at this time. Now I’m watching the A-team and keeping the people to my left and right awake with my ultra-backlit screen.

I’m finding myself increasingly sympathising with the fat nerdy characters in movies…Alan from The Hangover is my idol..but the fat kid from Hot Tub Time Machine and Kick Ass is holding his own in the stakes for my undying partiality. Third movie in a row…The Green Zone. Seriously..currency plates? Haven’t i seen this before? I don’t even think this was a movie…it may have just been an episode of Jag or something…

This is my first time flying standby by myself…usually i have Phong to guide me and run with the ball. I’m not ungrateful for the discount from Leish…far from it…i just don’t think i’m cut out for the standby game. It’s why i’m not cut out for the contracting game. Sure the financial benefits of both are great, but the positives don’t outweigh the negatives for someone who puts very little worth on fiscal buoyancy.

Phong had a good theory today as to why i am perennially late for flights. When other people are involved, i’m like an hour early and everything organised…to compensate. When i’m left up to my own devices i just don’t care enough what happens to divert the resources towards the goal…if it doesn’t work for me it doesn’t work and was probably not meant to be. It’s fatalism with a splash of indifference.

So speaking as someone who is perennially late to flights i don’t think i’ve ever been more pissed off at late-comers than watching the smarmy bastards walking through security to the gate tonight with 20 minutes to go before take-off. It’s a fucking International flight! One of the longest flights you can possibly take. Where were the Heathrow Terminal 5 tyrant fuckers when you need them? Fucks sake i went and bought another ticket and still made it through check in and they wouldn’t let me in and these fuckers just waltz through like its the Wigan defence on one of the days that they don’t pull a victory out of their arse.

By the way..the plan is to stay awake for the entire Frankfurt Singapore Leg…in the hope that i can sleep the second leg and wake up on Australian time. Stay tuned for more sleep deprived hilarity. I’ve been up for 21 hours as it stands….

Of course this could all go tit’s up if i don’t get the next flight. Then i have to wait up till the following morning or shell out for a hotel in Singland. Exactly how respectable do i have to look to get on these Standby flights? Stay tuned…

So i just completed a master-course in cinematic endurance. My word i’ve seen some bad movies but having just persevered through Russell Crowe’s Robin Hood i feel am capable of withstanding anything. Surely this is one of the levels of hell. Seriously, this is the most fetid, pompous tripe i have ever seen on the screen. Russ must have been sitting there with his other Kiwi buddies watching a Marathon of 300, Gladiator – probably more than once – and Braveheart and thought…why can’t i make a movie like this? But you can Russ! I don’t know though…seems like a lot of work. Remember Gladiator? That took fucking forever. Alright, let’s save some time then and just redo a movie that’s already been done….several times….and use the cinematic experience from all these other movies that have also been done…many times over. Ok i’m warming to the project…do we have to do anything to it? I don’t know…maybe we just change it up a bit…make a few changes here and there. OK like what? Well….what parts do people like of 300? Well the fights scene’s Russ. Well let’s just have a lot of fight scenes. Fuck it, make Maid Marion fight. And that fat cunt Tuck. He can fight too. I like it Russ…but what makes that different from Kevin Costner’s one? Besides the lack of a Brian Adam’s soundtrack? Not a whole lot…hmmm. Ok what about….bare with me….what about…we make him hardly ever use a bow and arrow throughout the movie. Seriously…we can have him kill people with swords and spears and axes and shit like that.

Then it’s Gladiator you dickhead.

I think the only way this movie experience could have been worse is had i been watching it on a Ryanair flight into or out of Germany so that clap-happy audience could clap all the way through every time Russ delivers a load of wank speech in the stylee of Mel…what is it with all the Australian wannabe’s trying to make epic films? The only surprise was that he didn’t try to write the score for the film or include a few tracks from 30 Odd foot of grunt on the soundtrack…

Me to old biddy #1 to my left: That baby has not made a sound all flight…it’s incredible
Old biddy #1: Apparently it’s done like 30 flights or so.
Amazed me: Fuck off!
Old biddy #2: She’s 13 months old…*Turns to father/Son in law* How many flights has she done?
Father of the year: This is her 52nd flight… She’s clocked over 140,000 air miles
Aussie lad in row behind: Fuck, that’s child abuse…

Father of the year didn’t get it….

So i finally land after 23 hours in the air. Do the rounds to the parents houses and a bit of shopping as i only bought one pair of pants and managed to get chocolate on them during the flight. We have Father’s day lunch at some schmick restaurant on the water before heading back to my sister’s gaff. The 18th wind has kicked in now as we head to the pub to watch the mighty dragons slay the rabbitohs. Minor premier’s this year…still even diehard fans are trying to work out if it will be the first or second round when the inevitable choke occurs.

Roughly 50 hours awake in total…

Every now and then i forget how to breathe. I know it sounds like a family guy episode gone wrong. “Hey Lois! This is worse than that time i forgot how to breathe!” But seriously i do. It’s only certain situations that trigger it and i’m not always aware. It may be like a really hot chick sitting next to me on a tube or something and i become really conscious about breathing. Just act normal. Wait what are you doing? Are you breathing heavier? She’s going to know you think she’s hot! Stop it! Breathe normally! etc. And no matter how hard i try i can’t make it return to normal. I start breathing in and doing this “In…one Mississippi…two Mississippi…out!” crap.

As you can see i have an overactive inner monologue at times. Funny story…ok i don’t really refer to the olden days that often, but i remember this was hilarious to me. A while ago when this person i knew, let’s call her…Del…had a conversation with me that went something like this:

Me: Blah blah blah why say that out loud, doesn’t he have an inner monologue?
Del: Actually Tommy, it’s an inner dialogue.
Me: …i’m sorry, what?
Del: Yeah i had this conversation with (let’s call him…Dill) and we both agreed it’s an inner dialogue…

Errr…you know i’m no wordsmith but i reckon the hint might be in the word itself…Then again i guess it depends how many voices you have in your head – might be a Tolkien novel for some. I guess i almost had an inner dialogue the other day, but that would be conceding that Fred Durst was in my head….

Fred Durst in concert (on shuffle, not by choice): “Is everybody alive right now?”
Me: Don’t get metaphysical with me Fred!

I can’t type ‘the’.

the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the

Maybe i can, bad example.

So i went to a 3 King’s show the other day…Jealous Squires? You’re Jealous! Homer we have the same chair! Some rockabilly band from Chicago. I don’t remember the name. Standard rockabilly really…couple of good covers off “Tarrantino’s Best Of”. My biggest issue with them…don’t advertise a gig for 8:00 if you don’t intend to take the stage before 10:30! Seriously it was a fucking school night and they started about 10:45 or something. Don’t any of you people have jobs? I had to leave during the first set and still didn’t get home before 1. I remember sitting there trying to guess who was actually in the band while waiting for them to get up and play. Anyone with tat’s made the short list…as did wallet chains. Only skateboarders and Musicians can get away with wallet chains. I’ve always wanted one but sadly i’m neither. I contemplated getting up and playing at one point, just to kill some time, but i probably would have been more comfortable on the minimalist drum kit than the massive hollow body Gretsch…that thing would have dwarfed anyone.

A new nickname has been coined…Dumb rich guy…haha you need to know who before it’s funny :o)

Other notable nicknames i have heard:

• Crime – For your mate who never gets a round in…Crime doesn’t pay.
• Thrush – Cause he’s an irritable cunt.
• Susan – Starring two people who look like they never sleep…Susan Sarandon and Vince Vaughan
• Beaker – (Muppets) me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me
• Satellite – She’ll pick up anything

I was discussing this the other day on the back of a “which decade do you wish you could have been alive in” discussion – 60′s without a doubt. People like Janis Joplin or Joni Mitchell simply would not be able to make it today. It doesn’t matter how good your voice is, or how good a songwriter you are, you have to look the part today. You have to be marketable. Think about it. Name a musician today, and for this discussion’s purposes i’m thinking only of female musicians, that is not good looking and has ‘made it’? Ok maybe Alanis Morrisette – the Ruud Van Nistlerooy of music. Even that druggie bitch with all the shit in her face…Amy Winehouse doesn’t count. I wouldn’t go near her either – i’m pretty sure you can catch the hiv by watching her videos – but she did not get famous for her talent. Much like the other tosser Doherty, if neither of them were fuck ups then we wouldn’t know of them now. Despite Squires’ best pleads, Doherty is a poor man’s excuse for a musician…

Hope this is what you wanted.
Hope this is what you had in mind.
Cause this is what you’re getting!