I had to slightly edit this one because of some comments leading up to the US election, for no other reason than they didn’t make sense now in the timeline.  Oh, and i was in Australia when i wrote this one so just pretend im on holidays there and not in the UK.

OK so speaking as an Australian in Australia…albeit for a short bit of time, here are some observations / words of advice…

Who, the FUCK, spends $45 to go to a gig and speaks all the way through it? Who? Australians! For fucks sake here’s 30 bucks go buy the cd, turn it up really loud at home and then speak to your dog about the weekend or something…whatever just don’t do it the fuck away from me at a show. Everytime the music goes quiet you can just hear this low fucking annoying hum…i don’t give a flying fuck what Dazza said to Bruce at the club the othernight…otherwise i would have paid money to go see Bogan’s Live…. cunts!

Guys, mullet’s are not cool. I don’t care if you think you are being funny, the jokes gone on long enough. You look like a tards.

That emo dickhead i saw at Miranda…if you want to put hair over one of your eyes and look all sad and cut yourself, that’s fine, each to their own. Probably wouldn’t advise growing a charlie chaplin moustache as well though and resembling the star of the History Channel….tool!

Girls, i’m probably on my own on this one but that is the beauty of my rants, i am not doing it for your approval. Pregnancy tops should only be worn by pregnant women. These tops that fly out from just below the bra line in to what looks like a 3 year olds communion dress down to the tops of your jeans just look stupid. If you wear one i just believe you are either pregnant or hiding a belly. Congratulations if that is/was your mission.

Everyone, fluro has had it’s day. Let it go. There is no need in modern society for fluro board shorts.

Even our normal non-american-election news show though proves that we have become little litigious American wannabes. All it is is bad news and lawsuits. This is probably why i don’t watch the news. Take for example the case of this child that drowned while at swimming lessons at school. Now the parents are of course suing. In presenting the facts the news tart trying to be diplomatic presented what she believes to be the contentious points in the case…in point form (very compassionate). From memory her points were something like::

- Debateable permission slip – Apparently the parents had signed the form saying the child could attend the swimming lessons, but the part about ‘my child can swim 20meteres’ was circled in a different coloured pen, most probably by the child herself before handing it in to the teacher.
- Insufficient supervision
- The amount of children in the pool or some bollocks

I can’t remember the rest, she waved her hand in front of a blue screen to another 4 or 5 points like she was presenting the weather. I can summarise the argument actually.

Fuck the permission slip and every other contentious issue! They are kids in a swimming pool and should be supervised whether or not they can swim 20m! How is suing the school going to alleviate heartache? Way to put a price on your child…pricks.

There you go Germany, it’s not only you that pisses me off.

I miss recovery.

So i’m not allowed to discuss the c-bomb and now i can’t talk about fashion either. There’s just no keeping Squires’ high-brow audience happy is there. I might go back and edit my post (if i can’t write a new one) to include ugg-boots worn outside the house – that’s a definite no-no.

Me: There really are a lot of fit women in Frankfurt
Berger: There is a huge difference between ‘fit’ and ‘accessible’.

I used to watch a lot of stand-up comedy when i was living in Australia. I’d go to uni during the day and straight to work at the Rusty (RSL, club, pub) and then get home at 1-2 in the morning or so. Of course you can’t go straight to sleep as anyone who has done shift work will tell you, so i’d watch tele. What else is on at 2 in the morning than the comedy channel.

I remember this clip and I’m paraphrasing something i saw about 8 or 9 years ago here, but if it rings a bell and someone could tell me the comedian’s name i’d be much appreciative. Google gave me nothing.

You know when you fancy a girl and she tells you that everything is so good between you that she’d just like to keep it as friends? Imagine that in a job interview…

Thanks for coming Tommy. We’ve had a look through your cv and it’s very impressive. You’ve got written down here that you’re honest, not afraid of commitment…you’re good looking (creative licence rocks!)…we’ve seen you’re hilarious…basically you are exactly what we are looking for, but we’d just rather not. We admit, you are perfect for the role, in fact so much so that if you wouldn’t mind we’d like to keep your cv on file and call you to complain about the guys that we do take on and how bad they are at the job…

Want to know how to keep a fool waiting? I’ll tell you next week…

No seriously, do you want to know how to keep a fool waiting? Send him a text message which reads:

* some text missing *cking Amazing!!!

Watch how long they wait for the rest of that message to show up…

I have realised i have become desensitized to life in general. For a while i thought my body was just rejecting life. Strange illnesses, bites and rashes…it was just like i was allergic to being. Now it seems my mentality has joined the party. I don’t know that i experience polarities of feelings anymore. I don’t really get happy, or sad, or find things funny or scary or horrifying – i get annoyed a lot but that doesn’t really count. I find it hard to remember a time when i could truly answer “i’m happy”. Sure, United winning cheers me up briefly, and music still elicits a reaction, but the rest is some sort of unresponsive, indifferent, grey numbness. I can’t surround myself with music and football every day. I watch movies and tv and barely register that it’s on. How did i like the movie? It was ok. Was it? I have no idea. It is my standard response to everything. How are you? I’m ok. Am i? I wouldn’t know. I’ve given up caring. I’ve managed to remove almost every thing or person which was causing me anxiety or stress from my life, to the point that i just float around independent of connection. I look forward to the occasional argument to fire up the coals of my wit to see if it still works. Would a change of scenery help? Probably not. I don’t know what would. I’ll just carry on my semi-detached existence hoping that something sparks me back to life. I’ve gone from being a man of bridled enthusiasm, to being a man of bridled participation.

Told you i was fucking hilarious.

I should take this opportunity to mention that a lot of the things i write on here have been previously road tested on the unsuspecting individuals i hang out with. It’s probably a good thing they don’t read my blog cause then they would realise i am just going for extra mileage of something that has already gotten a laugh.

I have more fashion criticisms to add to the list of things that piss me off now that it looks like i’ll be staying in Frankfurt a while longer.

Leggings – i don’t think i have explicitly mentioned leggings on here before, but the more that i see them the more the annoy me. The ONLY time leggings are acceptable is if you are going to a fancy dress party where the theme is the 80′s or your favourite Olvia Newton john film clip. That’s it. And none of this wearing leggings underneath mini skirts or shorts – this goes for jeans under skirts as well – this is just cheating. You can’t get any credit for wearing revealing clothing by covering it up with more clothing. Are you going to put a bikini top over the top of a shirt next?

Peter Pan boots – Seriously, what’s the story here? Why is there a bunch of women walking around Frankfurt with these Peter Pan / Robin Hood floppy looking boots that go just over the ankle and look like they should be accompanied by an épée? If you complete your outfit with the aforementioned leggings you may as well be one of the merry men!

But see this is the thing. As much as these things annoy the fuck out of me, there is one thing that can override them all. One simple yet drastic flaw in male chemistry – the pant-line thumb. Advertising agencies have known about this for a while i think, judging by magazine covers and the like. You’ve seen it…some svelte harlot, tanned, bikini etc. standing there staring at you with her thumb resting gently on the inside of the waste band to her bikini bottoms, wantonly devouring you with her look. Take her hand out of the top of her pants and she looks like a semi-dement. What is this genetic weakness we have? It’s just a thumb?!? It’s like a pirate parlay. I could be absolutely livid with a girl and hate her guts, and she could put her thumb in the top of her pants and i’d be instantly aroused. Achilles had two weaknesses…his heel and the pant-line thumb.

Having said that, if Milla Jovovich or Megan Fox came up to me wearing leggings and peter pan boots i wouldn’t care if they had any thumbs or not, their power beats scissors, paper, rock and dynamite!

Have you seen what is happening to my country? We should have a new slogan for tourism Australia:

Missing the bible? We’ve got floods in the north, fires in the south, locusts coming in from the West and now dust falling everywhere. So where the bloody hell are ya?