Every now and then i forget how to breathe. I know it sounds like a family guy episode gone wrong. “Hey Lois! This is worse than that time i forgot how to breathe!” But seriously i do. It’s only certain situations that trigger it and i’m not always aware. It may be like a really hot chick sitting next to me on a tube or something and i become really conscious about breathing. Just act normal. Wait what are you doing? Are you breathing heavier? She’s going to know you think she’s hot! Stop it! Breathe normally! etc. And no matter how hard i try i can’t make it return to normal. I start breathing in and doing this “In…one Mississippi…two Mississippi…out!” crap.

As you can see i have an overactive inner monologue at times. Funny story…ok i don’t really refer to the olden days that often, but i remember this was hilarious to me. A while ago when this person i knew, let’s call her…Del…had a conversation with me that went something like this:

Me: Blah blah blah why say that out loud, doesn’t he have an inner monologue?
Del: Actually Tommy, it’s an inner dialogue.
Me: …i’m sorry, what?
Del: Yeah i had this conversation with (let’s call him…Dill) and we both agreed it’s an inner dialogue…

Errr…you know i’m no wordsmith but i reckon the hint might be in the word itself…Then again i guess it depends how many voices you have in your head – might be a Tolkien novel for some. I guess i almost had an inner dialogue the other day, but that would be conceding that Fred Durst was in my head….

Fred Durst in concert (on shuffle, not by choice): “Is everybody alive right now?”
Me: Don’t get metaphysical with me Fred!

I can’t type ‘the’.

the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the

Maybe i can, bad example.

So i went to a 3 King’s show the other day…Jealous Squires? You’re Jealous! Homer we have the same chair! Some rockabilly band from Chicago. I don’t remember the name. Standard rockabilly really…couple of good covers off “Tarrantino’s Best Of”. My biggest issue with them…don’t advertise a gig for 8:00 if you don’t intend to take the stage before 10:30! Seriously it was a fucking school night and they started about 10:45 or something. Don’t any of you people have jobs? I had to leave during the first set and still didn’t get home before 1. I remember sitting there trying to guess who was actually in the band while waiting for them to get up and play. Anyone with tat’s made the short list…as did wallet chains. Only skateboarders and Musicians can get away with wallet chains. I’ve always wanted one but sadly i’m neither. I contemplated getting up and playing at one point, just to kill some time, but i probably would have been more comfortable on the minimalist drum kit than the massive hollow body Gretsch…that thing would have dwarfed anyone.

A new nickname has been coined…Dumb rich guy…haha you need to know who before it’s funny :o)

Other notable nicknames i have heard:

• Crime – For your mate who never gets a round in…Crime doesn’t pay.
• Thrush – Cause he’s an irritable cunt.
• Susan – Starring two people who look like they never sleep…Susan Sarandon and Vince Vaughan
• Beaker – (Muppets) me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me
• Satellite – She’ll pick up anything

I was discussing this the other day on the back of a “which decade do you wish you could have been alive in” discussion – 60’s without a doubt. People like Janis Joplin or Joni Mitchell simply would not be able to make it today. It doesn’t matter how good your voice is, or how good a songwriter you are, you have to look the part today. You have to be marketable. Think about it. Name a musician today, and for this discussion’s purposes i’m thinking only of female musicians, that is not good looking and has ‘made it’? Ok maybe Alanis Morrisette – the Ruud Van Nistlerooy of music. Even that druggie bitch with all the shit in her face…Amy Winehouse doesn’t count. I wouldn’t go near her either – i’m pretty sure you can catch the hiv by watching her videos – but she did not get famous for her talent. Much like the other tosser Doherty, if neither of them were fuck ups then we wouldn’t know of them now. Despite Squires’ best pleads, Doherty is a poor man’s excuse for a musician…

Hope this is what you wanted.
Hope this is what you had in mind.
Cause this is what you’re getting!