There is a sign at my local tube station that reads something like:

“Walk carefully on the escalators – last month 34 serious injuries, 1 fatality.”

I don’t know if I should be more cautious of the evidently lethal metal stairs or the apparent hordes of retards surrounding me that are using them.

I met my first lacrosse douche the other day having only ever seen them in American teen coming of age movies. This specimen was stretching before boarding a train? I guess they are all douches.

Things i hate:

• Denim dan’s. Not cool unless you’re from a hick town that has banned dancing and you’re going to attempt to remedy the situation by playing chicken on a tractor…
• Sitting across from a coffee drinker on the bus in a morning.
• When the aforementioned coffee drinker also smokes.
• People that have headphones on while sitting with their friends…who also smoke and drink coffee.

Things I like:

• Critiquing the prawn sitting opposite to me on the bus on my blackberry and occasionally looking past him ‘out the window’ for inspiration to finish my ‘email’…
• Reading the instructions on things which are fairly intuitive to use, just see how close to the mark I am.
• Finding out I have been using dishwashing liquid correctly.
• That wave of air that follows a girl a second or so after she walks past you that carries her perfume.

You don’t need to be a genius to figure out who this song reminds me of.

Do you remember, nothing stopped us on the field in our day…

Have you ever watched old people? I mean not just watching them as they walk at an ever decreasing pace in front of you. I mean i walk slow but i’ve seen retarded, one-legged ants cover a greater distance than some of them. They would probably be able to move faster if they just jumped and let the earth’s rotation move underneath them. But i mean proper watched them from some vantage point? waiting for a train or something like that? Sooner or later they will stop and check what they’re doing…as if they are not 100% sure they should be doing it. Like when they randomly stop everyone around you at the airport to get their bag swabbed and you’re not really sure if you are allowed to walk through or they are going to call in special ops to hunt you down…

I watched this guy today, walking along carrying a bag. After about 10 metres he stopped looked down at the bag…brought it up towards his face a little for closer inspection…obviously was happy that it was in fact a bag…then lowered it again, this time trailing his eyes from his hand up past his wrist, via the elbow and then into his chest as if to say…will you look at that…it’s me holding that, that is. Should i be holding it? I don’t know. But i am…and then continued to walk on. Either this was his first successful attempt at carrying a bag, or he was merely confirming his own actions. Like he may have just forgotten that he was walking carrying a bag.

I shouldn’t take the piss out of old people, being all senile and stuff. Could happen to anyone i guess. I’ve always found the best present to give older people are memories. I mean they are 100 years old and stuff so probably have everything by now anyway…so give them a memory. The classy thing is, that if they do have a bit of the senile about them, you don’t even have to give them their own memories…or yours. Just make shit up. Remember that time when we went to Antarctica together? That was grouse. Yeah remember the camera froze over so we lost all our photos. You were so funny…what you did to that eskimo…sorry Inuit. We certainly learn’t that one the hard way didn’t we… ha ha ha. Well, see you next Christmas!

You may have noticed i tend to swear a lot. To quote my Mum’s words:

“It’s ok, i won’t stop you writing like that cause i don’t have time to read it anyway.”

I mean with those sorts of glowing references you can see why i like writing.

“But you know…girls don’t really like…you know…THAT word…”

It’s kind of cute that my Mum assumes this is the way i’m pulling chicks. Kind of cute but somewhat alarming…

But see what i don’t get is people that swear in print, but they do it with like weird characters replacing the letters but so you still know what they are saying. The ONLY reason to do this is to avoid swear filters at work and that sort of thing. I understand that. That’s when umlauts and special characters come in handy.

Sh!t Fück Cünt Ärse P€nis Lädyb!ts etc.

But why do it on other mediums…texts, wastebook etc? What is the purpose. Do these people think that actually seeing the word is worse than the meaning behind it? Who are these cretins? How did the world end up this way?

Sally Spastic is f%&ked off at her sl&tty friends!

We clearly know what you are saying, so just say it you retard. Is this like some weird way of saying, look don’t get me wrong…and then berating someone?

I hope people don’t think i’m rude but… Tomi Hendrix f%&king hates you. Hates that you breathe the same air as him and wishes you to choke and die you f$%king c#%k-stain c%&t!

Going back to that bag-swabbing bit at the airport, i’ve been flying a lot recently and so have gotten used to the routine of security check-in and what have you. I’ve even bought a little netbook thingy for when i’m waiting at airports. So anyway i went to check-in the other day at Frankfurt and took my laptop out and they pulled me over to the side and said we’re just going to need to test your laptop for a bit. I’m like fine. But as we’re walking over i started thinking…i wonder what my last webpage was… if they open it up it’s just going to come up with the browser…fuck i hope it’s not Stella’s Lesbian Adventures…

How successful is this test anyway? Who is making bombs and says, hang on a minute…i might just go check Facebook?

John Smith became a fan of over-the-counter fertilizer, Hydrogen Peroxide, and Sixteen other pages.

What, John Smith can’t be a terrorist too? Racist pricks!

Speaking of stereotypes, took my seat on the plane the other night on the way to London. 24B if i’m not mistaken. Watching this blonde surfie chick walking down the aisle looking at the row numbers. She stops in the row ahead of me and says to the girl by the window – ummm i think you’re in my seat? – and shows the girl her boarding pass.

“Your seat is 10C. 23A is the gate…”

Bless.

So i just picked up a copy of Drum Media…for the non-Aussies (my entire audience) it’s a free newspaper in pubs and cafe’s and music stores etc that just covers live music and cd releases etc…i’d forgotten how good it is. They should take this shit global. I’m on about page three and they have a half page advert for Manning Bar which was one of the shitty bars at my uni..it was full of pretentious wankers, but not the poncy type…the other type…the professional student hippy save the seahorses vegan neo-political fuckwits. I probably should have put post-something in there as well…Professional student hippy save the seahorses vegan neo-political post-anarchic fuckwits. Them.

Anyway apparently now they have pretty decent bands. According to this ad they will showcase Regurgitator, the New Pornographers, and the Misfits, plus a whole heap of other American and Swedish bands…wtf? I would never have passed uni if the bar had bands every night. I did get to see Screaming Jets..well two songs before i got kicked out at a uni party. Apparently you shouldn’t tell the supporting act that they are shit and should play some pilots…repeatedly..

Hah Club Blink is opening again…wonder how long it will last this time…that’s the first place i ever danced!

Anyway back to my post..

31 songs…Is this the Hornby book you were reading Squires? I read the book but didn’t really take much from it. It kind of suggested to me that he wanted to paint himself as a music snob – which im all for – and i can see from his other books that he is very knowledgeable and opinionated on the topic, but it just didn’t really go anywhere. I just don’t remember coming away with an overriding feeling from the book of…oh that’s what it was about, it Kind of just meanders on. Maybe i should read it again, it has been some years since i put the book down for the last time. I think i bought it at the airport when i left Australia for the first time.

From memory he was linking some songs throughout his childhood / experiences to key moments? Like i said i could be way off there, but that’s the theme i am going to run with today so let’s just pretend. You see i seem to have associated various songs with different girls / women who have had an impact on my life. Some good, some bad, but an impact all the same. The girls themselves have a different amount of significance, sometimes they get a song, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they get two songs. Deal with it.

Mostly the connection seems to be some sort of imaginary scenario in my head where i am called upon to woo them in some penultimate scene of a movie – when the chips were down, in a last ditch effort..he grabbed his axe and strode toward the stage….. You know something cheesy like that. Like an 8-mile make-or-break kind of deal. For other’s it is more a chance to unleash the rage built up inside of me, to give my 2 cents. Sometimes the lyrics just make me think of them, and if i were to perform the song live i would need to give them that dedication introduction that messes with the bootleggers…do i cut off the previous track at the start of the song, or before the introduction? If i leave it at the end it’s going to piss off a lot of shuffle listeners…

For anonymity reasons i’m not going to mention the names of the girls, though the more astute of you will probably be able to pick out some of them. Like i said, some people get two songs and the temptation is to write about them together but that might provide more clues as to the identity of the person. Plus if i stretch it out it looks like i have had more relationships with chicks…play-yer…

Love Song – The Cure

A song as obvious as this can’t really be tied down to one individual, yet there is a depth to the opacity of the lyrics which kind of strikes me. I never really liked the Cure till i heard the acoustic supplement to their Greatest Hits album which made me appreciate them a little bit more. I sit here at the moment without Internet, and my iPod is at my sister’s place, so when i try to remember the lyrics all i keep getting is A Perfect Circle’s mash of it with Diary of a Madman which is perhaps even more poignant..

Sanity now is beyond me, I will always love you, there’s no choice.

Raconteurs – Old Enough

There’s not much really i could explain about this one that the lyrics don’t already.

You look pretty in your fancy dress, but i detect unhappiness.
You don’t speak so i have to guess, you’re not free.
Maybe when you’re old enough. You’ll realise you’re not so tough.
Sometimes the seas get rough, you’ll see.

I hope you do see.

Trouble – Todd Snider

A woman like you walks in a place like this, You can almost hear the promises break.
You’re gonna make me do something, That I’m afraid I won’t regret.

It says it all really. Some people are just made to affect those around them…whether the affected likes it or not.

Welcome Home – Coheed and Cambria

You could have been all i wanted, but you weren’t honest, now get in the ground!
You choked off the surest of favours, but if you really loved me you would have endured my world.
Well if you’re just as I presumed, A whore in sheep’s clothing Fucking up all I do
And if so, here we stop. Then never again Will you see this in your life…

Ever Fallen in Love (With Someone You Shouldn’t've) – The Buzzcocks

You spurn my natural emotions, You make me feel like dirt And I’m hurt
And if I start a commotion, I run the risk of losing you And that’s worse.

I ran the risk. I can’t believe someone can die twice…

Want You Bad – The Offspring

Your one vice, Is you’re too nice

Either i’m going to have to dramatically change, or she will. We get on pretty good, but just opposite ends of the spectrum. You’re just too good for me. It’s not right. Dye your hair, eat a pizza, get drunk and we’ll talk!

It’s Been a While – Staind

It’s been a while since i’ve gone and fucked things up, just like i always do.
It’s been a while and i can still remember just the way you taste

I think she liked this song more than i did, but it still makes me think of her every time i hear it…ergo, it makes the list.

Can’t Change Me – Chris Cornell

I’m almost ashamed to put a Chris Cornell song in the list since he’s turned out to be an utter cockstain…but if i was ever to be performing a gig somewhere and noticed this girl in the crowd i would have to play this song and ‘dedicate it to someone who is here tonight…good luck with being you. I used to like who you are, not who you try to be…’

But wait, just one minute here i can see that she’s trying to read me.
Suddenly i know, she’s going to change the world, but she can’t change me.

Talking to a Brick Wall – Cooper Temple Clause

small things about you excite me, but then i’d hate to spoil the tone

Sometimes you know it’s wrong…you know it probably shouldn’t happen, you know you really shouldn’t even try…but deep down inside you can’t help but wonder what it might turn out like. It’s fine just the way it is. Just leave it. Don’t rock the boat. But…

I’m Lonely (But I Ain’t That Lonely Yet) – The White Stripes

This one goes out to a whole bunch of people really…i think it makes me think of a whole bunch of people and not necessarily just my Mum and Sister who are explicitly mentioned.

I roll over in bed, Looking for someone to touch
There’s a girl that I know of that don’t ask for much
She’s homely, and she’s cranky And her hair’s in a mess
And I’m lonely, but I ain’t that lonely yet

On a side note, I love Odette Yustman. Just saying…

Ok the clip below is something my sister just showed me. It’s got a fair bit of an introduction so either skip to when they are in the van or just put up with it. It’s well worth it. I wee’d a little. No idea if that needs an apostrophe or not but it looks really wrong when i take it out…it’s probably not even a real word.

I recently bought some flowers for some different people. I’m hoping it might make at least one of the recipients happy. Anyway, now the flower company is sending me emails about their specials and seasonal offers etc. Yesterday i got one titled “Admire your fiery Arian loved ones” …Arian flowers…you’d really want to make sure your audience knows how to spell and the difference between the two words. How many of those gift cards have been addressed to ‘my blue-eyed girl’…

You know how people are glad when you get Chicken pox as a kid, cause it’s so much worse when your an adult? Well you know what else sucks donkey balls as an adult?

Squires.

Just kidding…no you know what else sucks? For want of a better phrase, a broken heart. Every parent or guardian counsels their distraught offspring following a breakup that they weren’t really in love and that the feeling will pass and all that sugar coated stuff…but the kid still feels like his heart is going to burst out of his chest and kick the living shit out of him and so believes it to be love. See that’s the thing, I know my heart wasn’t broken and i wasn’t in love, i’m far too rational for that, but it still fucking hurts…a lot. And i think i know what is to blame…it’s 12 years of all-boy schooling.

Stay with me…this my take a while to get to the point.

This never happened to me when i was younger so i never built up my immunity. I tell a lie anyway…it wasn’t all 12 years of schooling that was void of girls. I did have chicks in my class up until year 4, which would have made me 9 or something i guess. You know, before you really knew they were ‘chicks’. When you played catch and kiss and they grabbed you and pulled you into the girls toilets to kiss you and you actually put up a struggle to get away… So by the time i realised that that was actually what i wanted to do it was too late and i was several years into my all-boy schooling.

Fast forward another few years and you get the uncomfortable situation where you ask a girl on your train to school who you’ve never spoken to before, to the end of year formal (prom) purely because the only other girls you know are friends of your sister, the girls at Basketball, or three or four (hopefully) girls you know on the internet…

A quick jump forward in time till you finish school and head to schoolies (Spring Break) and you find that the time that you really, really want to talk to girls also coincides with the first time you are really attempting to do so, and the first time you realise you have no idea how to.

Here’s where you falter about a bit in pubs trying to figure out just what you’re supposed to do. This is what most people learn when they are 12. Christ girls could have spoken another language for all i knew. Like Seth Efrican or something. Could you imagine? If all girls were Saffas? I would have become a priest.

Scoot forward a little to Uni (college – see how i keep Squires informed during this) and i’m being asked to concentrate in a first year Psych lecture as one of only 70 or 80 guys in a room of 400 girls. No chance. But this is what your normal teen gets to find out in primary school, so that by the time they get into secondary school they are used to it and can easily juggle both, girls and grades. That requirement was taken away from me…i suppose that’s why i got good grades.

So by the time Uni had come around, i had bypassed all of the crawling stages and was in the track team. Great on the one hand yet always missing something. The dating stage. People learn from dating. They have crushes, and then it develops into more than that and they have their heart broken and they get over it and they go through it again and they learn from their mistakes and they learn how to react and they see things coming and they can judge how well they like someone in comparison to those that have fallen by the wayside before them. Not me. I get a crush on someone and i’m picturing how the meeting will go with my parents and what she will sound like with my surname and if she’ll let me brainwash my kids into being United supporters. I missed several stages in the dating evolution. The process is now somewhat streamlined…

I want to be able to like someone…see if it works out, and if not just say, oh well there was no real spark between us. I seem to be subconsciously unwilling to get into anything with a girl before i’m sure that i think it can work. It’s like the only two scenarios available are together forever or not at all. So now when i break up with someone or become magical bestest ‘friends’ forever, the casual observer in the guise of a concerned parent will dismiss it as a passing fancy, yet for me it feels like that 12 year old kid and my world is going to end. My social retardedness is unbridled.

Thanks catholic school system!

Reasons to contact a friend with bad news. The survey says:

1. You are running late
2. You forgot their birthday
3. You’re cancelling a date
4. You’re cancelling a holiday
5. You are breaking up with them
6. You’re getting a divorce
7. Somebody close to them has died
8. You have died (from beyond the grave of course)

How many answers did Family Feud generally have? It’s been a while. Anyway, i’d say you would even struggle – depending on the friend of course – to get away with a text message for the first two…a forgotten birthday is ok if the people aren’t that close…but if you choose a text message to deliver any of the news from 3 onwards you’re taking the fucking piss! Even this social retard knows that…

Screw you Jack White…you’re not the only person who can make an instrument out of spare parts…I give you the Berger…

[Show as slideshow]

and for those of you not on wastebook…the object that will now receive all of my wasted affection…

[Show as slideshow]

I’ll make it to Bumbershoot one day…

So why fucking try?

I had another entry prepared for you earlier but it doesn’t quite sit right with me at the moment so it’s been bumped.

Deal with it.

Oh, i am, i’m tired out
By life, it drags me down
And all, these thoughts, that i’m swimming in
I feel like i could drown

Cause everything is moving too fast for me to see
And these assholes try to make me something, i don’t wanna be
And the best news i can hear all day is for you to say to me

Boy, it’s alright
It’s alright, it’s alright
And boy, it’s alright
You’ll be with me tonight

Tonight…
Tonight…

Wait, don’t move, you are beautiful
And i know that you always, will be
And oh, your eyes, they are open now
I’ve never felt more proud than when the both of them are focussed on me

But everything is moving way too fast for me to see
And these assholes, they try to make me something, i could never be
And the best news i can hear all day is for you to say to me

Say boy, it’s alright
It’s alright, it’s alright
And boy, it’s alright
You’ll be with me tonight

And boy, it’s alright
You’re my life, you’re my light
Boy, it’s alright
I will dream of you tonight

Tonight…
Tonight…

Another one i have written is ‘Modern psychology stopped with the hysterectomy’. This is hilarious. I would assume i was being facetious with this. I think it is more funny to me to think where my mind must have been at that point in time. A quick brush up for those of you who don’t know, the hysterectomy originally came about as a cure for hysteria. It was thought at the time that only women could suffer from hysteria. What makes a woman different to a man? A Uterus. Well let’s get rid of the Uterus then…that should cure it!

A duck!
Who are you that are so wise in the ways of science…

In many ways modern psychology hasn’t progressed at all since these days. Of course there have been giant leaps forward in some areas but so many old habits are still lingering. I wonder why i would have been upset about psychology??? The mind boggles.

Working in an insurance agency is the ideal place for a woman to hunt for men. In three questions yesterday i was asked ‘Am i married?’, ‘Do i have any kids?’ and ‘how much money do you make?’ It’s like looking in a catalogue really isn’t it…Have to admit i was a bit embarrassed when she followed it up with ‘Well you do make a fair bit of money….which is a good thing!’ The latter comment tacked on because i had become visibly uncomfortable. Firstly i don’t earn that much, and secondly i don’t find money to be impressive. If i wanted my ego fellated i would go hang out at Living or Velvet with the masses of horrible excuses for people that seem to plague financial cities like Frankfurt.

I almost got suckered in by suggestive advertising yesterday. Which is annoying really cause i’m not usually susceptible to suggestion. I was in Railslide and they were having a sale on Jackets for 50% off. I’ve needed a new jacket for about 2 years now so was browsing away. Noticed this brown number so thought i’d check out the size. I only added brown into my repertoire last year, seems to be working. I notice the label and it’s a North Face jacket. I fucking hate North Face as a brand. I hate people that wear North Face gear. Have you ever even seen a fucking mountain? I bet you drive a range rover through the city as well. Cunts.

Anyway, i was about to walk away but just out of curiosity i thought i’d check out the price. Original price €399, marked down to €249…i’m thinking an additional 50% off this makes it just over €120. That’s almost €300 off! Now all of a sudden i am thinking…well how much do i really hate North Face? Surely they deserve their day in the sun…But i stood strong! €400 is a bit extravagant for a jacket for my tastes..that’s about the price of my entire wardrobe…and it’s still fucking North Face!

I rate that story about a 2 out of 5. I gave one point for the use of the c-bomb.

I’ve been going to the doctors a lot recently…hell if i’m paying for health insurance i may as well use it. Anyways, i have to say i really, really dislike reception staff in health care facilities. Notice how i didn’t use ‘hate’? Cause you’d all think i was a prick if i said i hated them. …I fucking hate anyone working in the service industry who doesn’t appear to like their job. If you don’t like it, don’t fucking do it! The service industry wasn’t for me, that’s why i got out. If you don’t like talking to people, don’t get a fucking job which requires you to answer phones and greet people. Slags.

My GP is good, actually my GP is great. Silk put me on to them. I sit in their waiting room listening to whale noises and shit, ogling the walls which are covered by autographed pictures of the head doctor with famous people. Seriously, Shakira, Elton john, Carlos Santana…all get sick going through Frankfurt apparently. But the nurses there are great. They at least attempt to speak English with me. They also assume i can’t speak any German at all when they speak to each other – “Er ist süß!”

Damn right i’m sweet bitches…

I have no problems with that place, it’s when they refer me to a specialist or something that all the problems begin. Every fucking time, i try as much German as i can…they refuse to speak any English and develop some massive chip on their shoulder like i shouldn’t be there. It’s not the doctors, they are fine. Always the fucking reception staff. Today i walked out after my ultrasound – turns out im not preggers – and i said to the woman in German ‘..ahh are we done?’ She points back to where i just came from and says ‘i don’t know, go and ask them’. Fuck that. I just walked out the door. You can ring me if you need anything else. Trollop.

I now have my insurance sorted, tax sorted, and my health is looking better. 3 Down, 3 to go!

I will never pay attention to any girl or woman who says that all men suck or are crap or any variation on the theme. Not that i agree or disagree with them, just that they are the root cause of what men are. You made your bed, fucking lie in it. If you think we’re all shit it’s your fault. This conclusion stems from the most annoying phrase ever uttered by a human being – and when i say ‘ever’ i clearly mean anything that i can think of at this present point in time pertinent to the point i am trying to make – and that is “Yeah, girls do like the bad guys.” Have you ever heard of Darwin? Origin of the Species? Are you familiar with the theory of evolution? Genetics? Any of these things ring a bell? If chicks dig the bad guy, it pretty much means the bad guy is the only one getting ‘any’ – hence the only one likely to be able to reproduce and shoot off some sort of evil offspring capable of carrying on his father’s legacy, should said bad-guy choose to stay around the aforementioned woman long enough to model him in his own image. So what the fuck do you expect? Nice guys apparently only become a viable option once the woman has been shat on like 400 times and decides it’s time for her to ‘settle down’ at which point said nice guy is probably shooting blanks therefore confirming the hypotheses that nice guys do in fact finish last, and sometimes not at all. You only have yourselves to blame. Reap it.

Turns out i have a vast reservoir of hatred to rely on when needed…

The other day i Googled my acoustic to see if i could find a picture of it to show a colleague. Curiosity got the better of me so i decided to see what else i could find out about it. I remember putting the serial number into the Fender website and coming up with nada a few years ago so i wasn’t expecting to find much. Turns out there isn’t a whole lot of information out there, and quite a few people are looking for it. Anyway, in the three pages of Google that i looked at, this is what i came up with:

From the Fender website: Unfortunately, our records are not complete enough to provide precise dating information for many early Fender acoustic guitars. Although the tables below are as accurate as possible, serial numbers of these acoustic guitars have never been archived and are of no assistance when attempting to date the instruments.

Fender Catalina

CALIFORNIA SERIES (ACOUSTIC GUITARS IMPORTED FROM JAPAN FROM ABOUT 1982 TO 1985, THEN IMPORTED FROM KOREA FROM ABOUT 1985 TO 1992) – Mine was made in Korea which dates it between 85-92.

Originally sold for $295 to $370 (presumably USD)

Spruce top, mahogany back and sides, Rosewood Fingerboard.

The guitar carries the neck and headstock of early Strats so has the feel of an acoustic Strat. A slightly high action makes it tricky to play at first, although it has fantastic sound.

I got my Catalina from a second hand guitar store in Coogee in Sydney Australia. I forget the name of the store but it was great, they used to do great mods and refurbs etc. I paid $200 AUD for it with slight body damage.

Top 5 Band names ever (see previous definition of ‘ever’). Please note i do not necessarily endorse the music of the following acts:

1. And you will know us by the trail of the dead
2. Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.
3. Jack Off Jill
4. My Baby wants to eat your pussy
5. Machine Gun Fellatio

Special mention must go to Anno Domini High Definition. ok so it’s not a band name but ADHD for a prog rock album name is just class.

Did you ever get the feeling Frank Sinatra really wasn’t trying all of the time? He is kind of like the music equivalent of someone speaking with a heavy French accent. They could say something disgustingly vile and it will sound sexy. “I trimmed ze crud from my matted pubic hair with your nasal hair trimmer“. Now if you did the right accent when reading that, it’s pretty much guaranteed the women around you are slightly aroused. In the same manner, Ol Blue Eyes sang some absolutely rubbish songs, but because of the voice you tend not to notice. I recently ‘acquired’ The complete Capitol Singles collection thinking it might be like a best of compilation or so. Sure there are classics like ‘Young at Heart’ etc but he’s got songs on there about mowing the lawn and crap…musical facebook statuses if you will. Fair enough i don’t think he wrote any of the songs he sang but jaysus, have some respect man!

Seriously people, it’s time to set an example for the kids. Be like Bono and think of the children. Don’t cross at the traffic lights when the lights are red…walk 20 meters further up the road and jaywalk instead. Don’t be lazy!

Predictive text didnt recognise “schmancy” as a word, as in Fancy Schmancy. Fair enough its not a word, but instead of just saying no it offers “Rainbowy” as an alternative??? That arc of light in the sky over there reflecting the full range of colours is very rainbowy.

I fucking hate catchphrase humour. A joke really hits it’s funnyness heights the first time an audience hears it. Each time after that is a sliding scale downwards. There are so many ways to say something in the English language, why choose to use the same words over and over again? Be imaginative. Create something. I haven’t liked mayonnaise for going on 29 years now. This is not really news anymore (if it ever was). Time for some new material people.

After a little deliberation i’m going to post a heavily edited version of the post i had originally written. Most of it was reaction to hearsay which is how rumours and everything like that spread and would put me in no better stead than the others. So until i can actually confirm what was said i’ll just have to take it on the chin and merely make a few directionless statements.

I don’t believe all opinions should be shared. I’m not pulling a Keano here with a ‘do as i say, not as i do’ approach, but i truly believe some ideas are best kept to oneself. That may sound a bit rich coming from someone who publishes rants on a blog, but i do my best to keep these at a general level, and not to preach. My opinions are my own and can be ignored…i do not suggest that my way of doing things is the right way and should be followed. I merely point out inconsistencies and hypocrisies that i see around me. Why do i publish them? Do i think people want to hear this? Judging by my fan base of 4 loyal readers i would say no. But given that i’m rarely allowed to speak long enough to build up a point, i need some other sort of outlet.

I like how some people appear to presume they are in a position to delve out suggestions from their own ‘guide to better living’ at will, on the assumption that is righteous, altruistic behaviour. Ok i understand the care and consideration a friend can show towards another friend when they are worried or thinks that person is heading down the wrong path, but i think there are serious limits to this approach which need to be considered. It is entirely subjective to say there is something wrong with someone else if the person in question has not asked for help themselves. To then go about creating theories on how to ‘solve’ or ‘fix’ this problem which may or may not exist seems to me a futile exercise in self-importance. Does it make you feel better to create a problem so that you can solve it? If it ain’t broke, it don’t need fixin.

Somebody get Ja Rule on the line…i need to make sense of this…

At times it feels like i am surrounded by dogs on heat. This overbearing ‘need’ to find women seems like borderline desperation to me. The amount of times i’ve had a conversation with someone recently where their eyes have drifted off to some tail, or they have just flat-out interrupted the conversation to make some schoolboy comment about a chick is alarming. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a fan of window shopping and checking out the local standards, but i don’t let it consume my being where i lose control over all my other functions. Each to their own i guess. My outlook on this topic has not really changed since i was a young’un in Australia. I loathe going out to ‘Pick up’ with a passion. I can’t stand it. This idea of going out with the solitary goal of ‘hooking up’ rather than, and often at the expense of enjoying yourself is beyond me.

I don’t think it’s necessarily an age thing as i’ve always thought this way, but perhaps more of a personal thing. I think that i look for girlfriends rather than shags. Sure everyone’s had the odd one night thing…i wouldn’t take it back, but wouldn’t necessarily throw myself willingly into it again either. Just as a girl may imagine herself with the boy’s surname when they are dating (old fashioned girls, not modern one’s who probably have an issue with this and are possiblly fully justified in thinking this, i just don’t care either way), if i hook up with a girl i am imagining going out with her. Hence why i probably wouldn’t go into some of my one night flings again. Hindsight is 20/20.

I find it hard to justify going to ‘pick up’ places, or joints where people go to meet girls – clubs etc. I cannot see myself dating someone who enjoys going to those places. The only way that could possibly work out is if she was in the same boat as me and was dragged along by her friends, loathes the places as well and see’s the only chance of meeting someone is if they hate the place too. The odds of this are not high. Probably as high as a nice girl turning up to the places i like to hang out at. Same chances, one place i enjoy, the other gives me hives…pretty simple decision to make.

The thing is, i just don’t need to go and pick up. I have no urge to. No desire. I am quite content with things at the moment. If a girl comes into my life, fine – i’ll welcome it, but i don’t need to go out and chase it. When i actively want to meet someone – if that ever happens – then i may have to adopt a different approach, but right now i am in no rush. So when i make plans to hang out at my place or a mate’s place, i’m obviously not trying to pick up anyone am i? You’d think then that it stands to reason that whatever extracurricular activities i pursue during these occasions have sweet fuck-all bearing on my ‘chances of picking up’? I mean i hate to bring logic to the party and all, but i think it missed the invite.

And yes this was the censored version…Moving along swiftly…

As we are on the topic of girls, i had been meaning to pictorially represent my top 5 hottest celebrities as discussed in Portugal. Unlike some vegans i know, my celebrities indeed have names, and are not just dehumanised pieces of meat (oh the irony). Who the fuck is Zac Efron anyway? Who’s he when he’s at home?

I am going to cheat a little though to make my life easier, and break it up into two categories – Music and Film/TV. Basically for no other reason than i get to add more pictures of chicks to my page and i can list Milla Jovovich as a musician giving me another film and tv one. It’s true, she’s got mp3′s available on her page and stuff. Haven’t heard them though as they are probably rubbish and it will break my heart.

Please note i don’t necessarily endorse the music of the musician’s listed. Thankfully this has no bearing on how hot they are.

So in no particular order the film/tv category are as follows:

[Show as slideshow]

(From L to R): Alyssa Milano, Eliza Dushku, Jessica Alba, Megan Fox (though i’m pretty sure she’s stupid), Monica Bellucci

and the Music Category…

[Show as slideshow]

(From L to R): Alizee, Brody Dalle, Fiona Apple, Katie Melua, Milla Jovovich

Seems to be a theme there doesn’t it. It’s not that i don’t like blondes, i just prefer brunettes. I’ve never had a blonde girlfriend. I saw this girl briefly who had dyed pink hair, but the carpet didn’t necessarily match the curtains, not sure if that counts? Milla was blonde for a bit wasn’t she? Jessica Alba was well fit as a blonde in Sin city, but if i had to choose…

Must be the weather or something.

Here’s something i wrote a long time ago about reading between the lines…

Does anyone remember that episode of the simpsons where Bart was trying to teach Santa’s little helper how to do tricks, and all he heard was ‘blah blah blah blah sit blah blah blah blah’….that’s like a written conversation with women. This happens in spoken form too but is much harder to illustrate.

Seriously, girls hear what they want to hear. Guys do too, but not to the same extent.

For example, a guy may want to ask a girl two questions, maybe what did you end up doing last night? or are you still going out with him? Now there are a few rules as to how these questions come out and we know we have to pad it out with ‘normal conversation’ and not just spit out the two questions for fear of incurring the wrath of a ‘failure to communicate’ lecture. So we will put in loads of filling and pleasantries padding either side of the questions, and we will listen and nod and smile to the answers to the padding, but all we are really interested in is the answers to those two questions. You could represent our conversations like this:

Hey you,

Donec eget lorem. Pellentesque tempus eleifend turpis. In eu ante nec magna fringilla commodo. Aliquam erat volutpat. In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Mauris quam arcu, facilisis eu, porttitor sit amet, scelerisque malesuada, ligula. Proin condimentum consectetuer eros. Sed erat eros, lacinia sit amet, rhoncus vel, tempus eget, felis. Cras dignissim rutrum libero. Quisque hendrerit justo in orci. Nulla vel est dictum augue condimentum bibendum. Praesent tortor sem, iaculis in, lacinia eu, dignissim ut, libero. Nulla in magna quis lectus sollicitudin blandit. Suspendisse potenti. Nullam convallis cursus tellus. Aliquam scelerisque dapibus nisl. Donec ac ipsum porttitor tortor condimentum accumsan. Ut bibendum tincidunt lorem. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit.

Mauris scelerisque accumsan magna. Pellentesque congue malesuada leo. Sed condimentum. Duis ut nisl vitae odio malesuada convallis. Ut quis orci. Vestibulum consequat, orci quis gravida aliquet, tortor felis pretium enim, ac aliquet odio ligula quis felis. Integer ac lacus. In ac orci et orci pharetra molestie. What did you end up doing last night? Vivamus rhoncus scelerisque pede. Nam in orci at libero rhoncus vehicula. Nulla facilisi. Fusce vel nibh. Donec eu nibh et eros tempor hendrerit. Aliquam condimentum viverra augue. Praesent lectus mi, interdum eget, rhoncus sit amet, congue sed, sem. Donec vulputate, lectus vitae ullamcorper tristique, dolor massa pharetra nisl, vel vulputate odio felis elementum eros. Sed condimentum neque sed massa. Cras non mauris.

In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Vivamus nisi. Vivamus non dui vitae purus placerat commodo. Duis iaculis dapibus lectus. Nunc eget turpis. Maecenas placerat volutpat justo. Maecenas ipsum pede, sollicitudin id, lobortis eget, feugiat eget, lacus. Sed odio. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, are you still going out with him?. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Nunc aliquam nunc ut nibh. Fusce congue, erat at vestibulum ornare, mi lacus adipiscing erat, quis adipiscing urna lectus ut justo. Ut id massa et arcu laoreet accumsan. Ut tincidunt nunc a massa. Nullam commodo enim. Donec scelerisque luctus mauris. Vivamus rhoncus sapien id enim vulputate tempus. Sed eleifend posuere lorem.

Speak to you soon

Me

Ordinarily this would work in a utopian world. This is why Utopia doesn’t exist, because we would want women there but they would ruin it and we wouldn’t want it without them.

Not only do women completely ignore the two bits you want, they start interpreting some of the latin words. Start pulling you up on semantics of sentences you only put there for their benefit. Seriously, you will get lectured and then there will be speaking circles and groups of women meeting to discuss your use of an adjective in a sentence you heard on tv once and just threw it in for the extra word count. They would read the above few paragraphs as:

Cynical greeting able to be misinterpreted easily,

Donec eget lorem. Pellentesque tempus eleifend turpis. In eu ante nec magna fringilla commodo. Aliquam erat volutpat. In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Mauris quam arcu, facilisis eu, porttitor sit amet, scelerisque malesuada, ligula. I think you’re fat. Proin condimentum consectetuer eros. Sed erat eros, lacinia sit amet, rhoncus vel, tempus eget, felis. I am cheating on you. Cras dignissim rutrum libero. Quisque hendrerit justo in orci. Nulla vel est dictum augue condimentum bibendum. Praesent tortor sem, iaculis in, lacinia eu, dignissim ut, libero. Nulla in magna quis lectus sollicitudin blandit. Suspendisse potenti. Nullam convallis cursus tellus. Aliquam scelerisque dapibus nisl. I want to have sex with your friends. Ut bibendum tincidunt lorem. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit.

Mauris scelerisque accumsan magna. I’m not alright even though i say that i am. Sed condimentum. Duis ut nisl vitae odio malesuada convallis. Ut quis orci. Vestibulum consequat, orci quis gravida aliquet, tortor felis pretium enim, ac aliquet odio ligula quis felis. Integer ac lacus. In ac orci et orci pharetra molestie. what did you end up doing last night? Vivamus rhoncus scelerisque pede. I want you to tell me what to do. Nulla facilisi. Fusce vel nibh. Donec eu nibh et eros tempor hendrerit. Aliquam condimentum viverra augue. Praesent lectus mi, interdum eget, rhoncus sit amet, congue sed, sem. Donec vulputate, lectus vitae ullamcorper tristique, dolor massa pharetra nisl, vel vulputate odio felis elementum eros. Sed condimentum neque sed massa. Cras non mauris.

In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Please discuss this openly with your friends. Vivamus non dui vitae purus placerat commodo. Duis iaculis dapibus lectus. Nunc eget turpis. Maecenas placerat volutpat justo. Maecenas ipsum pede, sollicitudin id, lobortis eget, feugiat eget, lacus. Sed odio. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, are you still going out with him?. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Nunc aliquam nunc ut nibh. Fusce congue, erat at vestibulum ornare, mi lacus adipiscing erat, quis adipiscing urna lectus ut justo. Ut id massa et arcu laoreet accumsan. Ut tincidunt nunc a massa. If possible can you speak to me about this during the football? Donec scelerisque luctus mauris. Vivamus rhoncus sapien id enim vulputate tempus. Sed eleifend posuere lorem.

Please don’t let this lie, if there is anything else bugging you at the moment please feel free to incorporate it into this discussion even if it is not at all relevant and happened several decades ago.

Him

It is amazing how easily they avoid the points which we try to make, and focus on the parts we didn’t.

As i said, guys are guilty of this as well, but in a slightly different way. We take what you give us and trim stuff out rather than put it in.

Example:

Hi Sweety,

Really loved that you came shopping with me on the weekend, and hung out with me and my friends. It was great seeing you away from your friends and all your normal silly activities that you know i don’t like. I want us to be friends as well. Did you think i looked fat in the jeans i was wearing? Cause Jackie said i did, but i said she was a cow. But she did have nice earrings exactly like mine with the dangly bits so we had a pillow fight to sort out our differences. I really think you should drink less and have less fun. Do you like my hair? One of my friends thought I heard that she said that you said that i heard that someone else had said that she was a fat cow. Did you? Anyway have to go, meeting the girls for brunch and then after we’re going shopping for big sunglasses. I’ll call you during the game.

xx The divine miss me xx

I’d love to highlight the points she is trying to make in this, but I have no comprehension of what the real point is other than to frustrate us.

Guys receive this message and it is almost like those posters where if you stare at them long enough you see a sailboat. On first reading (and i use the term lightly – it is most probably a quick scan) it seems like a collection of words, seemingly none of which have any interest to you and who’s contemplation would not likely raise your spirits in this lifetime. When we actually do try to comprehend the message this is what we see:

Hi Sweety,

Really loved that you came shopping with me on the weekend, and hung out with me and my friends. It was great seeing you away from your friends and all your normal silly activities that you know i don’t like. I want us to be friends as well. Did you think i looked fat in the jeans i was wearing? Cause Jackie said i did, but i said she was a cow. But she did have nice earrings exactly like mine with the dangly bits so we had a pillow fight to sort out our differences. I really think you should drink less and have less fun. Do you like my hair? One of my friends thought I heard that she said that you said that i heard that someone else had said that she was a fat cow. Did you? Anyway have to go, meeting the girls for brunch and then after we’re going shopping for big sunglasses. I’ll call you during the game.

xx The divine miss me xx

So i’m not allowed to discuss the c-bomb and now i can’t talk about fashion either. There’s just no keeping Squires’ high-brow audience happy is there. I might go back and edit my post (if i can’t write a new one) to include ugg-boots worn outside the house – that’s a definite no-no.

Me: There really are a lot of fit women in Frankfurt
Berger: There is a huge difference between ‘fit’ and ‘accessible’.

I used to watch a lot of stand-up comedy when i was living in Australia. I’d go to uni during the day and straight to work at the Rusty (RSL, club, pub) and then get home at 1-2 in the morning or so. Of course you can’t go straight to sleep as anyone who has done shift work will tell you, so i’d watch tele. What else is on at 2 in the morning than the comedy channel.

I remember this clip and I’m paraphrasing something i saw about 8 or 9 years ago here, but if it rings a bell and someone could tell me the comedian’s name i’d be much appreciative. Google gave me nothing.

You know when you fancy a girl and she tells you that everything is so good between you that she’d just like to keep it as friends? Imagine that in a job interview…

Thanks for coming Tommy. We’ve had a look through your cv and it’s very impressive. You’ve got written down here that you’re honest, not afraid of commitment…you’re good looking (creative licence rocks!)…we’ve seen you’re hilarious…basically you are exactly what we are looking for, but we’d just rather not. We admit, you are perfect for the role, in fact so much so that if you wouldn’t mind we’d like to keep your cv on file and call you to complain about the guys that we do take on and how bad they are at the job…

Want to know how to keep a fool waiting? I’ll tell you next week…

No seriously, do you want to know how to keep a fool waiting? Send him a text message which reads:

* some text missing *cking Amazing!!!

Watch how long they wait for the rest of that message to show up…

I have realised i have become desensitized to life in general. For a while i thought my body was just rejecting life. Strange illnesses, bites and rashes…it was just like i was allergic to being. Now it seems my mentality has joined the party. I don’t know that i experience polarities of feelings anymore. I don’t really get happy, or sad, or find things funny or scary or horrifying – i get annoyed a lot but that doesn’t really count. I find it hard to remember a time when i could truly answer “i’m happy”. Sure, United winning cheers me up briefly, and music still elicits a reaction, but the rest is some sort of unresponsive, indifferent, grey numbness. I can’t surround myself with music and football every day. I watch movies and tv and barely register that it’s on. How did i like the movie? It was ok. Was it? I have no idea. It is my standard response to everything. How are you? I’m ok. Am i? I wouldn’t know. I’ve given up caring. I’ve managed to remove almost every thing or person which was causing me anxiety or stress from my life, to the point that i just float around independent of connection. I look forward to the occasional argument to fire up the coals of my wit to see if it still works. Would a change of scenery help? Probably not. I don’t know what would. I’ll just carry on my semi-detached existence hoping that something sparks me back to life. I’ve gone from being a man of bridled enthusiasm, to being a man of bridled participation.

Told you i was fucking hilarious.