It feels like ages since i’ve written anything so i might be a little rusty. Sort of like Basketball at the moment. I’d love to see the German’s i play with, play a game with a full referee – it would be hilarious. It’s not a foul if you lose the ball people…these are called steals and turnovers. I’ve also read an incredible piece of tedium from Squires which may have dulled my creative abilities in telling a tale so apologies up front…it’s all on your shoulders mate.

I’m still contemplating whether or not to give my parents the address for this page. My emailing has become infrequent at best with everyone it has to be said so maybe this would fill the gaps…though i’m not the most regular poster either. I think the deciding factor would be my frequent dropping of the c-bomb. I’ve toned most of my swearing down i feel but i do like a good c-bomb…pun may or may not be intended.

Well just in case i do let them in on it, here are the highlights i guess of my xmas adventure.

So what was technically my last week at work, kicked off with several Christmas parties – my work’s, pimp’s etc – resulting in too much alcohol and not enough sleep. Bring on Saturday…Squires doesn’t drink much…before 8am…

So i get up at silly o’clock to get out to Hahn, the cheap tin shed in another state masquerading as Frankfurt’s second airport. I am notoriously late for flights so i plan to get there ridiculously early to break with tradition. Phong hung out at mine the night before so i just went straight to bed without packing. Again, this is a feature of my holidays – the morning pack session. I get down to the u-bahn and have a 20 minute wait for a train…my bus to the airport leaves in 22mins…After pushing down an old lady, several feeble women and some cripples to get off the train i make the mad dash through the hauptbahnhof and through the middle of the street to stop the bus from leaving. He tried to pull away but my suicide run defeated him and he relinquished. End up getting to the airport like a day before my flight thanks to good weather – i had been banking on snow – so t’was a little boring but my holiday had begun.

Texting Squires that my plane is 20 mins late i board in reasonable spirits. Like i said before i’m not the best flyer. For some reason i cannot joke or speak during turbulence…obviously as i don’t want my voice to interfere with the pilot’s concentration…what accent is that?? I also need to look out the window at the wing during turbulence, as if my Jedi mind powers have developed sufficiently enough to stop the engines from falling off.

I had been told that the approach is quite breathtaking so i was following along admiring the view when all of a sudden we were out over water again…my geography of Italy is not brilliant but i couldn’t figure out why we would be leaving land for water. So on comes the captain to tell us – in three languages – that Pisa airport has been closed mid-flight due to snow. I check out the window again and we have bright sunshine here. How fucking far away am i? I’m not really bothered at this point…not much i can do. Maybe i could talk a bit more and the pilot might get distracted and take us somewhere else, but generally it’s out of my hands. It didn’t stop the hot chick next to me wailing her arms about firstly to the German announcement that Pisa had been closed and we were re-routing to Genoa, then again to the Italian announcement, her native tongue, and finally to the English announcement. Bout as predictable as a Tom Cruise movie that one love. Silly cow. You’ve lost your chance with me.

A lot of gesturing at the airport and i figure out that Ryanair have actually footed the bill for some buses back to Pisa. I was sure i would have to train it in. 1000 text messages later and i’m able to meet up with Squires in Pisa and we nab one of the few trains running back to Massa or somewhere near to it. He puts me in a cab and gives the name of his local Irish to the cabbie on paper. Squires sets off on a bike to meet me there. I had been getting a few looks at my Man United beanie along the way but i think Mr Cab Driver and his son were football fans as they began to have a conversation with each other in Italian about all the Italian managers in the premier league. I was going to contribute Zola to the conversation until i heard him say “blah blah blah blah Mancini blah blah blah blah Manchester United”. Well you’re about as useful as tits on a bull aren’t you…so i left them to it. I didn’t know at this stage Mancini had just signed for the massive club city. Still, an unforgiveable mistake.

We make it to the pub eventually and navigate our way through the menu, proceeding to get reasonably drunk on beers, and later Guinness with creatively-priced Port chasers. Class. After agreeing on heading back to watch a movie i saw a bit of the credits and then was out like a light.

The next day we walked around a bit to see the beach and the square and stuff before eventually rejoining the savagely hot waitress at the pub for more Guinness & Port combo’s. Said waitress kept making passes at me while Squires was in the bathroom [citation necessary] but i figured it was better if i left her to a local, long distance relationships and all that. I’m just that kind of guy really.

Unfortunately it was only a short visit this time round so will have to venture back down soon, had a great time – and i agree, i haven’t laughed that much in a long time either mate!

Going our separate ways in Pisa, Squires was off to Rome with Luca for Christmas and i was on my way to Sunny York, via Sunny London. Planes, Tubes and Trains later and i’m in a cab in York, almost on schedule, playing one of my favourite games – where the fuck are you from? I have no problem talking about Manchester United and calling the team ‘we’ as in ‘We played well’ on the weekend, and can do the same for Australia – except for some reason after i have been talking about another country. Then inexplicably i become Switzerland and don’t commit to anything. Country after country we talked about, me critiquing them objectively, until finally the cabbie utters the immortal words…so where exactly are you from, cause your accent is neither here nor there? I’m a child of the UN…me, Kyle Minogue and Elle MacPherson.

I’ve always enjoyed York and particularly seeing Lynda and Gordy. It’s always relaxing and indulgent to say the least! A few more days of solid eating and drinking and a white Christmas to boot and i was off to London.

Back down sowf of the river and my heart was at ease. I always felt more at home in sowf London than nawf London. KFC for lunch and Raclette for dinner as i felt the gut getting bigger. Only another week or so of debauchery left to endure. Reminiscent of Dad’s 50th in Cowra, we proceed to drink all of the beer on Christmas Eve leaving only a few bottles for Christmas itself. Sang and Shaun’s kid Aiden is pretty cool. I don’t really deal with kids. I’m not bad with kids, in fact they mostly get along with me, but i wouldn’t be described as a traditional caregiver. Children are just little people to me, susceptible to the same frailties and motivations that we all are, so i don’t treat them very differently. I don’t make faces at them or speak to them in an incomprehensible language – how that is helpful i’ll never know. I don’t really get anything from seeing them smile or do something ‘adult-like’. I find it amusing when they throw a fit for no apparent reason, the child equivalent of a voiced rant… Their attraction lies in their unique reactions to stimuli, just as any other grown persons.

Shaun’s present for christmas – The Beatles Rockband for Xbox! Unfortunately we didn’t get to play it but i have to say it looked wicked, particularly the guitar. It also caused Shaun to coin a phrase which would be used for the rest of the week….”Hey….” Admittedly this does not really work in printed format, but just imagine the beginning ‘Hey’ of ‘Hey Jude’ not immediately followed by the ‘Jude’. Almost like the quickie round of a musical quiz where they play the opening half second of a song and just kill it cold, and you have to guess it. Perfect pitch and tempo for ‘Hey Jude’ but just never completed. Priceless.

Waiting until the day after boxing day when trains would be running…(awful, awful system) we decided to nick down to Redhill in Surrey to see my mates Craig and Ana from the old Duke of Devonshire who have also recently popped out a couple of kids – i’m going to avoid euphemisms here as my previous attempt led me to write ‘rug-munchers’ instead of ‘rug-rats’….totally different kettle of fish there.

The original plan was to pop down for the afternoon, maybe catch a bit of the premiership and then head back to Phong’s cousin’s place in nawf London. But something happened. We’d managed to buy return tickets to sowf London and so had to arrange extensions to get back nawf. We managed that. We also managed to find out when the last train back was. What we didn’t manage was to get on it. Several pints later and about 20 quid each in the trivia machine and we were still at the pub to see the staff go home for the evening. Thanks once again to Craig and Ana for putting us up for the night :o)

Back into central London for a cheeky pint at the real Waxy’s, followed by a few more at a random O’neills for the footy. Lunch with Phong’s Dad, Sang, Shaun and Aiden and then back to O’neills for the rest of the footy. This was followed by a roadie somewhere else for a loo break and we finally made it to Phong’s cousin’s place…some 26 hours late. Not bad.

The following day we had arranged for a few of the London folk to meet up for lunch. I had suggested S&M Cafe as had been meaning to go there ever since i lived in London. Sadly it would win that round as well as it was closing as we arrived. We decided to wait in a drink-selling establishment on the corner. Boychild arrived just in time as we witnessed an altercation between the landlord and a couple eating their food. We’re still not really sure what happened but the landlord asked them to leave and the couple asked for their money back. Neither party looked too keen on the argument at first but the landlord was up for it alright. 10 minutes later and we had two cop cars and a paddywagon…hate to see how many coppers they send for an actual punch-up.

We settle for Nando’s for tea and afters at some random bar described by Shaun as “There’s a decent pub around the corner with a tranny landlord”. Good enough for this motley crew. We all gathered around the world’s smallest pool table, me guzzling a pint of scrumpy which was truly awful. The alcohol was beginning to kick in however. I had to work hard not to piss my pants when the aforementioned landlord came by and asked Boychild not to sit on the pool table and proceeded on to the ladies room, to which boychild hopped off the table and said “Sure, no worries…..number 1’s or number 2’s? It was not the last time this question was posed to patrons that night…

We headed up the road to yet another pub around Spitalfields. I vaguely remember being in this pub once before. Strange crowd, but then again we bring our own entertainment these days. We posed for several boy band promo shots – i was apparently tuning some chick with purple teeth and then it was back up nawf to the cousins….via Fried chicken for dinner number 2 :o)

In the morning i awoke to find my shoes and trousers covered with suspicious mud/poo-like stains all over them. Your guess is as good as mine but after careful consideration i have determined the only plausible explanation was that the neighbours further up the road, pissed off after having their garden ‘watered’ by Phong the night before had scrupulously hand painted their shrubbery with this mud/poo-like substance to catch this little black duck completely unawares on the encore performance. Mission accomplished.

Sammy’s sister was kind enough to give us a lift up to Stowmarket for Phong’s 30th. I just prayed that she could not smell the substance all over my trousers and shoes. The ride provided some great banter along the way with such highlights as J-Lo being a musical sorbet to cleanse the palette, and my personal favourite, in response to women being released from jail for being pregnant, that surely now instead of people sneaking in files in cakes etc, that people were sneaking in turkey basters of goo. Lads just throwing handfuls of the stuff over the prison walls and the inmates doing cartwheels across the yard to catch it….think about it…think about it…there you go!

But whatever banter we had managed there, it was nothing for what was to come that night.

Unfortunately out of the two cab companies in ‘One House’ where Sammy originates from, only one had a taxi running – go figure – and apparently they were not prepared to shuttle all 12 something of us to and from the pub. Never mind we had some board games and ourselves to keep us entertained.

Due to some mischievous misinformation Sammy’s girlfriend Lila began questioning Tyler (Sammy’s sister’s Canadian husband) why he felt it necessary to club seals? Well played to Tyler who reasonably justified it while keeping a straight face. Not entirely convinced either way, the table chat dried up in anticipation to how Lila would receive the explanation. Enter Spike (Sammy’s sister’s friend) to take some of the heat off Tyler with an amusing tale of running over a cat, and then to check if it was still alive he poked it in the eye with a stick. Phong then came to Spike’s aid with an amusing tail revolving the catching of a fish and releasing it back into the water…via the underside of a bridge. Thud!

The banter continued spiralling out of control until Spike labelled Sienna Miller a vacuous husk of a woman at which point we lost the battle to hilarity and descended into mayhem.

I still can’t believe we had fake blue wkd’s and Port and did not make cheeky vimto’s…

A few hours sleep in the morning and we were dropped off at the train station complete with visible aura’s of alcohol. A jaunt back into London, a quick skip across town and we were on another train headed North for Wigan to meet Adam and the boys in the Brocket – the Wetherspoons pub we stay at when going to old Trafford. Feeling very rough i could feel it in my bones – we only had two more days to go and there sobriety was waiting for us.

We make it in time for a shower and a few drinks at the Brocket before hopping in the cab for Manchester, and Sam Platt’s, the united only pub just round the corner from the theatre of dreams. At this point in time my body ceased to recognise alcohol as alcohol and merely treated it as liquid…something it was in dire need of. Drinking pints of cider to the others’ bottles of bud – pronounced “like having sex in a canoe….it’s fucking close to water!” – we quickly caught up and indeed surpassed the others in merriment.

Into the ground and i think Adam was more shocked than we were to find out our tickets were in the nosebleeds. About 5 rows in from the very top of the East stand it was like watching some red ants run around…run around and destroy some blue ants 5-0! In my three visits to Old Trafford we are yet to concede a goal. 2 wins and 1 draw with 8 goals for and none against. It could easily have been more. We weren’t that good, but Wigan were poor. Still, proved quite the night and hopefully a good present for Phong’s 30th.

Back in to Sam Platt’s after the match for some more chat with the lads and some more cider. Turns out we had been drinking with a Sir as well. I had forgotten that in between this and my last visit, Anthony had become Sir Anthony after being knighted by the Pope in Rome, complete with a papal seal-looking signet ring. The more i hang around Adam the more surreal life becomes. Chatting to Andy who provides us with extra tickets when needed, the topic changed to Aussie sport and he asks if me and Phong know of a Rugby League player called Amos Roberts, as he has just transferred to Wigan and now lives next door to him. I said sure! My sister used to knock about with him.

Ok, now it must be said a lot of alcohol had been consumed at this point Carly if you read this. I may have got my facts intertwined but as far as i can remember i thought my sister knocked about with an Aboriginal rugby league player at some club in Sydney until the infamous ‘cousin’ incident put an end to it. Was that Amos Roberts? I had a feeling that the he played for the Dragons at the time, so Amos fits the bill?

Anyways if you happen to be travelling through Wigan at any point in time Carly and run into a bloke called Andy you might have a few questions to answer ;)

Cab back to Wigan and we decline the search for food on icy streets and head to bed WITHOUT hurling abuse willy nilly at the bar staff for refusing to serve us after hours…

The trip back to Manchester and Frankfurt was on complete autopilot. I knew we had to make it through just one more night and then it was sweet, sweet sobriety. I’d given up going to the toilet, i had no liquid to spare.

A quick visit home, long enough to throw some laundry on and we were off to Sammy’s for more drinking and some €370 worth of Fireworks. I’m not really into the destruction and blowing shit up sort of game so i just acted as cameraman. The night kind of fizzled in the wee hours of the morning as our holidays were catching up on all of us…Strom had just flown long haul from Australia and me and Phong had been pickled for weeks so it was with no trepidation that we shelled out for a cab back to Bornheim. A bit of tv to wind down fully and i was done. It was over.

It’s a good thing i am ironman and probably have to give these shenanigans up soon enough…

It’s another long one. Sorry, but it is a little treat for y’all. This is the blogging equivalent to a time capsule. Every computer i work on – work, home, laptop, etc. has text files scattered about, normally called something ingenious like blog.txt with one-liners and point-form arguments or stuff i want to write about. The idea being that occasionally i open it up and flesh some of them out into a post. Sometimes i can’t be arsed or don’t think they need further explanation which usually provides the shorter snippets at the beginnings of my posts. Example:

It never ceases to amaze me, Australia’s uncanny knack of achieving notoriety for something really really good, or really really crappy. It’s instilled in us from a young age. I mean we’re constantly reminded at school, “We’re the world’s smallest continent…but the largest island!”. Me and a colleague were looking up parts of Australia on Google maps the other day and were hovering over Darwin. I said oh you don’t want to live up there, they get cyclones and stuff. Really? Well they had one that i can think of – Cyclone Tracy – that was pretty bad, caused loads of damage. Interest sparked, i pulled up the wiki page to pad out my story with some ‘facts’.

cyclone tracy…world’s smallest tropical storm…

Seriously. Whatever the criteria are that defines a tropical storm apparently we had the suckiest one ever. Why was everyone banging on about it so much?

Every now and then my keyboard settings at work switch from German into English. There is some key combination that i can’t be bothered turning off that makes the change mid-sentence. It’s really only the z and y that gets you, until i tried to end a sentence with an emoticon…

Same key combination:

German settings – :o)

English settings – >o(

Smiley happy-go-lucky in Germany is angry frown in England… speaks for itself really.

They are advertising a Jamie Cullum album on tele at the moment. Quote at the bottom of the screen:

“Jamie is fantastic”

- Clint Eastwood

yeah cause that’s going to make me buy it. I like records that 100 year old cowboys like…

How many songs does Robert Plant use “Hey baby, oh baby, pretty baby…nah nah nah no do me now”? 7.

What are the limits to the term ‘no offence’? Exactly how much does it cover? “No offence mate, but you’re a cockstain!”

So looking through my documents the other day to find something i stumbled across an old entry that i wrote and never posted. Meta tags showing creation date of 15 February 2007 13:04:00, and given the subject content this is a pretty accurate description of what my life was like almost 3 years ago.

To set the scene, i’d been in Frankfurt for i guess 8 months or so, and was working a Praktikum/Internship for an absolute pittance for the Walt Disney Corporation – Life rocked! Only 2.0 can probably relate to how this really feels, though Kat had to listen to me whinge about it incessantly and did help me though it.

So i bring you (unedited)…

Me T-3

This is every week since getting a job in Germany. This goes way beyond being a creature of habit.

Monday:

Wake up and curse that it feels like minutes ago that I finished work on Friday. Promise to rest more next weekend.

Walk to work. Pass old man with a bike just standing in front of a building. If I don’t pass him he’s late or I’m late. Or he’s dead. But he doesn’t look that old. Still wonder when he’s not there.

Pass short girl with brown hair in between Bockenheimer Landstr and Taunusanlage tube stop. She is always smiling or almost laughing yet is always alone. Only two possibilities…she leaves an incredibly funny person at the tube who always tells her a really funny joke that lingers enough to keep this ridiculous smile up till I have to walk past her… or she is torturing some guy and is cynically laughing at how she holds his heart in her hands…im thinking the latter is more believable.

Get to work and do ‘Monday morning activities’ which invariably includes fitting in the development of whatever whacky zany improvements my boss has ‘thought of’ (please read as ‘read in a web designers magazine’ AND/OR ‘seen on one of our competitors sites’.)

Monday morning meeting. Discuss whacky zany improvements. Provide feedback. Feedback is ignored. Make suggestions as to why this is a bad idea. Suggestions ignored.

Go back to Monday activities which now include fixing up ‘whacky zany improvements’ from last week and making them how they were before – see ignored suggestions from previous week.

Lunch.

After lunch, spend a lot of time cursing under breath and watching the clock.

Stay back after work to catch up on emails. Started the day with 44 unanswered emails in email box. 22 of which are from people saying why have I not answered my email. Now have 74 messages, 30 of which is Kat and Squires saying shots on a Sunday is bad.

Go home leaving 44 unanswered emails.

Put music on.

Cook cheapo spaghetti from Pennymarkt which only has 20% tomato in the sauce. I hate tomato sauce. I hated spaghetti 6 months ago. Eat half and keep half in lunch box for Tuesday.

Watch snooker/MTV/Bundesliga 1 on tele, AND/OR play Spider Solitaire.

Go to sleep between 11 and 12.

Tuesday

Wake up and curse that I didn’t go to sleep earlier.

At work before I have woken up. Same boring tasks, unless there is more whacky zaniness.

Eat left over 20% Spaghetti for lunch and continue working. Can’t take lunch break cause have to leave early for school. Positive this is illegal however working full time for €400 a month should be as well.

Curse a bit after lunch and count down minutes until 5:00.

Go to bathroom till 5:15 when it is time to go to School.

Walk two train stations so I can save 40cents and get the 3-stop ticket.

Have my first coke of the week. Think about my plan of only having coke when I’m at school so that I develop some sort of Pavlovian association with thinking in German and Coke. Marvel at how I have a psychology degree.

Nervously squirm through 2 and a half hours (3 in German time) of Deutsch Lessons.

Catch train home three stops and walk the rest.

Cook something on toast. Options are: Toasted Cheese Sandwich / Beans on Toast / or Virgin BLT’s. Generally haven’t done shopping and only have cheese and butter in fridge and loaf of bread. Narrows choice down significantly.

Watch snooker/MTV/Bundesliga 1 on tele, AND/OR play Spider Solitaire.

Go to sleep between 11 and 12.

Wednesday

Wake up and curse myself for being so tired. Can’t wait till weekend.

Same things today at work.

Go home for lunch – something on toast, or fish-fingers. Sometimes have lunch with Phong.

More usual work stuff.

Finish work and stay back to catch up on emails. Spend most of time writing this blog that only 30 people in a week look at and they are all in Germany. 28 of which is Squires opening up his browser at home where he has our blogs open up automatically.

Go home leaving 44 unanswered emails.

Put music on.

Cook cheapo spaghetti from Pennymarkt.

Watch snooker/MTV/Bundesliga 1 on tele, AND/OR play Spider Solitaire.

Go to sleep between 11 and 12.

Thursday

Wake up and curse that I always curse in the morning.

At work before I have woken up. Same boring tasks, don’t care for more whacky zaniness.

Eat left over 20% Spaghetti for lunch and continue working. Thinking about weekend already. Look at what times Man U is showing so I know when I have to be in pub. If Man U aren’t showing, look at what time Chelski is playing so I know when to be in pub. Continue process ad nauseum till I find a reason to go to the pub. Under 21B’s Georgia Vs. Lichtenstein…. I’m there.

Curse a bit after lunch and count down minutes until 5:00.

Go to bathroom till 5:15 when it is time to go to School.

Walk two train stations so I can save 40cents and get the 3-stop ticket.

Have second coke of the week. Coke has no effect now. Just want sleep.

Nervously squirm through 2 and a half hours (3 in German time) of Deutsch Lessons.

Catch train home three stops and walk the rest of the way to the pub. No food at home so going for Midnight Buffet. Play pool until midnight buffet. I love Pool. If no family there, play pool by myself and have a beer, eat and at home in bed by half 12 at the latest. If family there, play Pool with squires, have several beers, 42 Jägermeisters, fall over, put buffet somewhere remotely close to mouth, and stumble home for a few hours sleep.

Friday

Thank fuck.

Don’t care how tired I am cause it’s Friday. Tell myself and everyone else I’m going to have a quiet weekend. Invariably end up going out anyway.

This could entail:

• Video Night at Squires: Typically pick up two bottles of red on the walk over….each. Check email, listen to music, drink wine, talk shit, every now and then put a DVD on, Squires getting tired at about 12 cause there’s no girls for him to try to tune, me and Kat leave, have to walk past Irish to get to both of our places, discuss for entire journey the pro’s and cons of stopping in, invariably decide to stop in for a quiet one…next few hours can vary….get home by 6 if we’re lucky.
• Playstation night at Ben’s. Meet Ben at Wormland. Get off bus at supermarket near his house in the sticks. Buy crate of beer and frozen pizzas. Walk back to his. Play playstation, listen to music, watch movies, look up good united goals on youtube. Finish crate of beer about 3 or 4. Walk to service station to buy more beer (crate) and pizza. Come back and eat pizza, fall asleep halfway through first beer.
• Laundry on a Friday (Cause United play early on Saturday). Meet Kat at Irish. Catch train to Laundromat. Throw clothes in machine, turn it on, go to nearest pub. Have one pint, go back, take our washing out, throw both of ours into one enormous dryer, set it to run twice and head back to pub. After pint, take clothes out, walk home, dump clothes on floor next to bed, but hang up work pants. Priorities. Head to Irish – carnage ensues.

Saturday

Wake up swearing out loud. Head hurts. Need to do laundry. Head hurts. Go do laundry with Kat. Eat Pizza. Wave to the same waiters at pizza hut. Order the exact same food. Have the same conversation about how we shouldn’t be drinking this much. Try to recap the night’s events. Text other people we might have seen the previous night to try to piece together what happened. Begin to make plans for tonight. Find out when football starts. Watch football. Head hurting less. Swear that we won’t still be here for Karaoke. Shots..blurry..walk Kat home.

Sunday

See Saturday with a bigger hangover. Throat sore from singing. No laundry so night begins earlier. Typically go out to eat food cause forgot to do shopping on a Saturday. Run out of bread. Still have butter. Options limited. Start thinking about work tomorrow. Know that I can’t afford to go out and plan to stay in and not go out. Receive a text that anyone is out anywhere…last remaining will power dies, liver cringes.

Possible exceptions to this are:

Man United playing Champions League or League Cup or any other reason they would be playing midweek. In which case, add beer / Jaegermeister and midnight buffet to mid-week schedule.

I have work for London to do – substitutes for TV and Spider Solitaire.

Greener pastures…

While I’m on the topic of legs… your knees should not be the widest part of your legs. You’re supposed to have thigh muscles AND calf muscles. Seriously people, I will buy you a sandwich, it just looks fucking disgusting.

So it looks like i have another Old Trafford trip coming up. I’ve had to answer this question a few times recently, and have answered it so many times over the course of my being that it has kind of mutated and i have left certain parts out and embellished on others. So i’ll try to jot it down once and for all…then i’ll get cards printed out with the URL and just hand it over rather than explaining it each time.

Why do i support Manchester United?

It all began a long time ago in a small suburb of Sydney Australia called Peakhurst…or was it Riverwood? One of the two. That general area. I used to hang around with this bloke from school…playing Basketball, cricket etc. I reckon this must have been around ‘93 or ‘94 cause i remember him playing Snoop Doggy Dogg’s Doggystyle album over and over again. 93 is more likely as I had a bulldog clip around my school notes from that year with Paul Ince crudely written in liquid paper (tipex) and he was sold at the end of the 94 season.

Anyway, my mate had just gotten back from the UK playing cricket for i guess the Australian schoolboys or something – Bryce Young was his name if you are anal enough to check the authenticity of this tale. So we went up to his room one day, to trade basketball cards or whatever we were doing back then and he had his walls completely covered with posters and pictures cut out of magazines of Manchester united players. Who the fuck is Manchester United? A soccer team? Nah fuck that. That’s what the Italian and Lebanese kids at school play. Why the fuck would i want to watch that shit? So he tried to explain it to me in terms i would understand. It’s like watching the origin team week in-week out. State of Origin is what Australian’s and probably many other Rugby League fans would consider the highest level of the game..especially since England are now utter shite at it. Not completely sold yet he delivered the killer blow…it’s like watching an all-star team week in, week out. I was hooked. The NBA was at once everything foreign and familiar to me. It was what we aspired to and knew we could never get to. It brought together all these players from different teams from different parts of a country i hardly knew…places i could not point out on a map, but could name their starting 5 including their heights and colleges, and more often than not their dangerous bench players. So how could i imagine this on a much grander scale…the best players in their positions from countries all over the world playing together every week…a team that in all fantasy, and probably reality would annihilate any team an entire country could put together… Fuck choosing teams! There was only one! Manchester United was football to me. Can you remember the names of the teams ‘playing’ against the Harlem Globetrotters? It was as clear cut as that. It was Manchester United, then a gulf, a chasm, to any other team. Why would i want to know their names?

And so it began. Saturday nights in the rumpus room watching videos of United games he had brought back with him, eagerly waiting for our one football wrap up show on SBS or ABC…one of the government channels anyway. There it was…match of the day or some spin off program. 10 or 15 minutes of goals and wrap-up of the action, followed by an extended highlights package of the game of the week for roughly 45 minutes or so. And guess who the game of the week was? 9 times out of 10 it was Manchester United. In fact i can only remember watching united games…maybe the odd Liverpool or Newcastle match.

I remember the players… Steve Bruce before he ate everything in site.. all the kids Nicky Butt, Giggs, Keano, and later the explosion of the Nevilles, Beckham, Scholes…Cantona, Kanchelskis, Denis Irwin, Incey, Gary Pallister, Lee Sharpe, Hughesy and the goliath Schmeichel in goals. I think we brought in Andy Cole in the first year i was watching.

The following morning, the trampoline would be turned on it’s side to become a makeshift goal as we’d try to emulate whatever highlight we had seen the night before. This was completely unheard of in the land downunder. It was foreign enough to be trying to emulate some NBA moves…in fact if you weren’t pretending to be an Aussie Cricketer, or rugby league player you were a right poof. Unfortunately i found out at an early age that i was painfully rubbish at the game – a fact which has still yet to change – and so i concentrated on watching the sport and rather playing basketball or cricket. The seeds were sewn though.

By the time we got pay tv years later and i realised there were other teams in the league it was too late. I was a one team man.

Of course it wasn’t all clear sailing. I still couldn’t quite grasp why the commentators would make such a big deal about ‘local derbies’ in games between Chelsea and Arsenal or United and Liverpool…weren’t they all London teams? Sure it was the English premier League…but the Australian Football League (AFL) was just played by a bunch of short-short wearing girls in Victoria and some Victorian rejects over in Western Australia…it wasn’t really national. Christ 18 of the Rugby League teams were from Sydney and we didn’t bang on about local derbies…

It’s since become clearer…

I don’t remember the qualifying campaign for the 94 world cup, so i might not have been totally in love with the game by that stage, just the United way. I had to read about it later that after topping our group, Australia then had to play home and away legs against Canada – which we won – followed by home and away legs against Maradonna’s Argentina just to fricking qualify. We lost 2-1 on aggregate.

Not so, four years later when i was amongst half of the nation to be late to school/work thinking we were heading on our way to the World Cup in France with a 3-1 aggregate lead over Iran and only 30 mins to go, only to see us concede two late goals. Once more i would be watching the World cup purely to see United players turn out for their respective countries.

Less than a year later i would be celebrating United’s treble, without really grasping the significance of the feat. Sure i was watching a lot of United games…but they were all games still. We were not really getting the amount of coverage that would allow me to understand the nuances of league Cups, F.A. Cups, the League, the European Cup….i just loved watching united play, United playing well, United winning!

At this stage i did not have a hatred for any other clubs. I knew which clubs were capable of beating us on the day – if we played poorly – which players posed a threat. I knew which other teams and players i could watch while waiting for a United match to come on.

By the time of the next World Cup i was coming to the end of my Uni degree, and working full time in the evenings as a bar supervisor in an R.S.L club. This is where i was put on my first test, though hardly a baptism of fire. Across the road from my club was a sort of up-market shopping center with diamond stores etc, that for whatever reason used to solely hire English and Irish backpackers. Keen for a drink they would pack into my club on a Friday and Saturday night ripping open fresh pay packets to satisfy their thirsts. And so began the banter. I was United. I would single out the other United fans and we would trade stories and memories. I would match wits with Arsenal fans and pre-roman Chelsea fans. Any faux pas i would make were to be ignored…he’s only an Aussie. A moniker which would haunt me later entering the big leagues of football fandom.

Watching the 2002 finals surrounded by these English and Irish fans, i made up my mind…i was moving to the UK. To give it final impetus i decided i would have two years in the UK, preferably Ireland cause i am genetically predetermined to also hate the English, and then 2 years in Germany to get myself setup with a place where my mates could come and doss to watch the World Cup in Germany in four years time. Sorted.

Didn’t quite work out how i’d planned. I’d stopped in London on my way to a job in Ireland to visit a friend, only to find out that there was no job. I ended up getting a live-in job at a bar paying 160 pound a week, living rent-free above the pub. 70 pounds of my first pay check went to my first United Jersey…which i still wear to the pub each week, and every time i go to Old Trafford. 40 pounds for the Jersey, 10 Pounds for Giggs’ name and number, 10 pounds for the official FA badges and an extra 10 pounds for long sleeves…Giggsy only wore long sleeves back then.

I would wait till my second paycheck to buy a Woollen Duffle Coat for the cruel November winter.

Which brings on the next turning point…apparently it is not ok to support your own team.

Up until this stage i had never come across, or even heard the term ‘Anyone But united’. South London is full of them.

My first premiership match was Chelsea vs Middlesbrough at Stamford Bridge. Chelsea won 1-0 thanks to a Celestine Babayaro sprint down the left. i remember sitting the entire game on my hands so as not to cheer every time Chelsea lost the ball. I was in the home section of the Bridge. When i did let out a yelp at one point i made it abundantly clear that i was Australian and was ever so proud of having the Aussie Mark Schwarzer in goal of Middlesbrough.

It was to be almost 3 years before i finally made the pilgrimage to Old Trafford for a boring 0-0 with a Sunderland team who had not won a game all year i think. I almost died of embarrassment when our keeper lunged to cover his post on a shot that was some 8 to 10 yards wide which was met by my sister’s stunning observation…”our keeper isn’t very good is he”. We’ll talk about this after class.

Yet here i was, unable to wear my beloved Jersey to my local pub, for fear of retribution for the locals for something my team did to their team some 100 years ago or something. Admittedly i knew most of the punters around my local area from working in the pub so i didn’t cop it too much. Unfortunately that sort of clout did not help me outside of Balham.

I never really had anything against Arsenal. I liked watching Thierry Henry (obviously before “Le Hand”) and Freddie Ljungberg, and Dennis Bergkamp was capable of the sublime. I hated, hated, hated Ray Parlour and Martin Keown with a passion. Still to this day i get annoyed when i see them on TV for whatever reason. But apart from them i was quite capable of watching an Arsenal match if i was waiting for someone else to come on. I even had a cheeky bet on Freddie to score first in one F.A Cup final as he had 4 goals in 5 games or something coming into it and was still double figure odds. He scored second. Ray Parlour scored the first. Cunt.

However, when United drew Arsenal in some FA Cup tie…i can’t even remember if it was a semi or what, i decided with a mate we would watch it on neutral territory somewhere. I was working in Farringdon at the time and thought the city might be nice and neutral. Of course all the pubs were shut when we got there as the Square Mile is pretty much barren outside of office hours. With 15 minutes till kick off we jumped into a cab and said take us to a sports bar, we want to watch the game. Unbeknownst to me, ’sports bar’ apparently means strip club. Unfortunately we didn’t find this out before the beer was poured, and had to exit quite quickly at the behest of two very large bouncers…drinks paid for but not drank.

Minutes to go now and we stumble across some standing room only pub. Fuck it. This will have to do. We watch the game in near silence. United won! Walking away from the pub to the tube my friend and i were stopped by several people wanting to know the score as it was a fairly big game. By the time we got on the tube we weren’t even talking about the footy any more, just regular shit. Neither of us were wearing colours. When we got to Baker st tube these two lads that were sitting across from us spoke to us as we were waiting to get off:

Tosser #1: Do you guys know the footy results?
Me: United won 2-1.
Tosser #2: Fucking united cunts..

At this point i was a bit unsure if he was referring to us or the team so i just turned around and waited for the doors to open, at which point it became clear it was directed at us as a bit more abuse followed….until he spat on me…

Now i didn’t feel it or anything at the time so my friend had to tell me later, but he saw it and immediately turned to them saying “Touch my mate again and i’ll fucking kill you!” – Dave had a way with words and a way to back them up. We continued up the stairs with these dickheads behind us but not really saying anything. We crossed the floor to take our stairs as they went to leave the station. At the very last minute Dave turned around to see where they were and that was enough of a trigger for these gobshites. They sprinted across the floor and attempted some sort of flying kick which missed my head as i was three steps below them.

Tosser #1: Come outside man, we’ll fuck you up! Come outside where there’s no cameras you fucking cunts!

Exactly how many people respond to this offer with “yeah alright, may as well…”

Now i know these people did not represent the Arsenal football club, they may not have even been fans, but it is not going to stop me associating Arsenal FC with dickhead cunts looking for a fight. I could probably break this association with some therapy but why bother…united fans are supposed to hate Arsenal.

Likewise i’ve never really hated Liverpool. I have always had mates who supported Liverpool, so have always seen them play. I don’t like them, i don’t dislike them. I am just ambivalent. I don’t want to lose to them that’s for sure. Perhaps if i had to put up with them gloating all the time i might change my mind but lets be honest…it’s been a while since they won something and might be a while till they win something again if the Rafa-lution continues….

I’ve never hated City either..mainly cause i think of them as a bit of a joke. I liken City fans to people who like unsigned bands just because they are unsigned…’this is real music man’, ‘this isn’t about the money’. Sound familiar? Where are you hyping on about your lack of money now? Manchester is Red! Stephen Ireland is a red! You can have Tevez. Jokes on you.

I hate Chelski, mainly because they seem to be our biggest threat. I hated them for the money thing and trying to buy the league and i do think they destroyed part of the game by paying over the odds for everyone, but i know they can never buy one thing and it’s team spirit. Have a look at them after they have scored a goal…it looks about as awkward as some parents sobering up on the dance floor of a wedding…there is no camaraderie, no feeling in it. Just a bunch of investments thanking each other. Chelski will never have class.

So hopefully that explains it beyond the point where i have to listen to another retard talk about, oh but you’re not from Manchester…what a surprise? You’re just fucking stupid. It doesn’t matter how long you have supported a team, or how many games you’ve been to, or how many tattoos you have or any sort of shit measure. If you feel passionately about a team then fucking support them and be proud of it.

If you cut me do i not bleed? Of course i do. I bleed red. Manchester United red. Try telling me when i feel sick after a loss that i’m not a real fan and see how far you get with me…

Saturday

A decent nights rest and very little to drink the previous night meant we were feeling fine. We set off to enjoy Prague during the daytime. not phased by the seemingly ineffectiveness of the ‘Slavic plan’ it was decided that if we were to run into any nefarious creatures on the trams or in the streets silk would address me in Serbian – though sadly not on the Serbian finger phone – and i would respond with ‘Da’. What could possibly go wrong? I actually do know some Czech. My old boss taught me some. It goes something like this (ignore spelling):

Me: Ahoj (hey there)

Czech Person: Ahoj (hey there yourself!)

Me: Jak se mas? (how’s tricks?)

Czech Person: <insert random Czech sentence here>

Me irrespective of what the Czech person has just said: Velmi Zaji Mavi (Very Interesting)

Colt 45…

I try to pick up useless bits of other languages when i meet people. My Swedish friend Jon taught me a very handy sentence in….Swedish coincidentally…and made me use it at the Nordic bar to some chick with an enormous Welsh rugb playing boyfriend:

Jon: Say it!

Swedish Chick: Go on tell me.

Me with a wary eye on aforementioned Welsh Goliath: Du oer soert (i think you’re cute…to the chick not the goliath!)

Swedish Chick: awww

Me preparing to duck: Skavi hongla? (Can we snog?)

Swedish chick: *giggles*

Welsh Goliath who apparently doesn’t speak a lot of Swedish: What did he say?

Swedish chick: He thinks i’m cute…

Pretty sure i was in there. Goliath was just cramping my style.

I used to have a cheat sheet in Spanish written by my New Zealand mate’s Portuguese wife in preparation for my trip to Andorra for those non-French speakers… still with me? It’s like a story by Tolkien…How many fucking characters did that book really need? Anyway at that stage i just assumed Portuguese and Spanish were the same thing just with a different accent. So when i finally got around to using them it went something like this:

Me: Tu tienes ojos mui belos (it is important to note here that i lost said cheat sheet some time ago and these are words that i remembered but could quite possible be a combination of all three sentences. They were something like ‘You have nice eyes’, ‘you have nice hair’, ‘would you like to throw shapes on the dancefloor’).

Spanish girl laughing: You speak old…like the bible.

I dated a French Canadian girl for a little while and when she went back to Canada she wanted me to call her, but her Mum generally answered the phone and didn’t speak any English so i had to ask in French Canadian…it’s not French no matter how much they claim it is. Cypress Hill don’t speak Spanish, they speak Mexican.

Me: Puige parlais a Manon sil vous plait? (Not as bad as Brad Pitts Inglorious Italian but pretty fucking close to it)

French Canadian mum: <insert some 15 minute rant in unintelligible French words that i don’t know, but i assume mean she’s not there>

Me: *click*

Guess i probably should have had a backup plan ready for if she was not available. I don’t know why she went back to her ex either…

So we were walking around Prague weren’t we…anyway it turns out that Jaywalking is a crime there. I know it probably is a crime everywhere but they seem to enforce it there. Seriously this copper stopped these tourists and asked for their passports saying the light was red. We fled the scene. Tourists got to stick together right? Da!

Silk stops to check out the TGIF’s they have there. For 4 years living in London i have avoided TGIF’s and mocked people for travelling to the other side of the world (i’m looking in your direction Americans) to eat the same thing as at home so i was not looking forward to breaking with my traditions here.

We head across the bridge – you know, ‘the’ bridge – to look for Silk’s cousin. Hey if you want real place names go read a travel blog. This is a place for ranting free of all bridles of spelling and facts. I used to give tours to friends visiting me in London starting in Greenwich and taking in the old pirate docks:

Friend pointing to Tower bridge: What’s that?

Me: A bridge over the Thames. Come on the next pub is just over there….

We meet Boban, Silk’s cousin who sells watercolours on ‘the’ bridge. I really liked one of them but was a bit out of my price range. I believe my excuse was that i was worried about taking it home on the plane….we’re driving…smooth…

Next stop was some more Mexican at a place called Azteca. Apparently it’s another chain but as i hadn’t heard of it i felt at ease that it wasn’t in the same vain as TGIF’s. Was a little disappointed when Silk said Mexicans would never go there. :( It was really, really nice though, easily the best Mexican i have eaten. It is number 1 out of 4. The order goes something like this:

1. Azteca, Prague
2. El Pacifico, Frankfurt
3. Mexican who’s name i can’t remember in Dresden, Dresden
4. Mexican who’s name i can’t remember in Maastricht, Maastricht

The Maastricht one takes number 4 by default as i can’t really remember it…at all…and can only remember Squires being disappointed with it so i will have to trust his judgement on this one. It was about the same time that i told Silk i only eat to avoid getting headaches and don’t really enjoy food. He is yet to forgive me.

Following the Mexican and a few beers, we split up to go our separate ways for a few hours. I’m trying to find an Irish pub that will show the United match and Silk was determined to give his winnings back to the Casino cause he felt a bit bad for them.

I go to the first pub offering me a free beer to go in. A classy establishment. Rocky O’Paddy O’Shannaheys or something to that effect…you know, traditional type place. I get there for the end of the Chelski match if i’m not mistaken, which i may well be as the beers were flowing down quite smoothly. I remember they had a live webcam in the bar and texting Squires to look for me on the webcam. I’ve had this before in Amsterdam in my one and only visit, while having a lemonade downstairs at a cafe and boychild asking me if i was the one in the wheelchair. (This post is making me seem really international isn’t it…) To clarify it for Squires i had to let him know that I wasn’t the fat bald bloke in the Giggs jersey…for once.

I remember United got up and the Waitresses were hot.

Silk texts to let me know he’s running late so i will stay put. I’ve already had 5 beers and have moved on to ciders. Would be 8 by the time Silk showed up…i want to go to sleep…oh right…Mudhoney.

Some Random Irish guy starts chatting to me on the way back from having a jimmy in the jacks. I have a bit of banter with him. After my next return he leans in and says “i’ve just given these English lads a bit off stick about their crap football side. You might have to have me back here in a minute…”

You fucking what? I AM NOT IRISH! Falls on deaf ears with him as he beckons me to start singing about the green fields of wherever the fuck he was from. I try changing the subject and ask him what he was doing in Prague. He said something. I may have said Velmi Zaji Mavi. I said i was here for the Mudhoney show and did he know them?

Irish twat: Yeah man, Every Good Boy Deserved Fudge! *Cue air guitar playing*

I’m sure the air-guitar playing fraternity are exactly who Mudhoney are targeting with their power ballads…

It does occur to me though that the saying (moniker?) Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge – on this occasion a Mudhoney album though generally a way to remember the notes on the treble clef E G B D F is different back in Australia, well at least in my music class it was. We were taught Every Good Boy Deserves Fruit. America – Fudge. Australia – Fruit. You do the math…

A quick stop at Masturbation and it was time for Mudhoney. Masturbation is KFC kiddies. You always go back to it, it’s always the same, and when you are finished you swear you’ll never do it again.

So 8 beers under my belt and i’m feeling dandy. We meet up with Boban again and head straight to the gig. I was facing a T-shirt dilemma however. I would ordinarily buy a t-shirt, but i have already been quite vocal about people wearing the shirts of the band who’s gig they are at (Greenday fans i’m looking in your direction)…and i definitely didn’t want to walk backstage wearing one of their shirts. A quick change and now it was hidden beneath my other two shirts….I’m so grunge.

We were a little late getting to the gig, so we missed the support band but just in time to grab beers before Mudhoney took the stage. No backstage before this gig. Made a few film clips from where we were, and it goes without saying they were great again. Bit different crowd – well at least from where we were standing – but the band had so much energy considering they drove straight to the gig from Warsaw. The stage divers appeared to be a bit more knowledgeable at least.

I go to make some comment to Silk during the set and was shot down. I had forgotten the rule. The most valued of all rules as well so i was chastising myself for the next song or two. There should be no talking during songs, unless it is super super important. This rule hasn’t made it to Australia yet but needs to. Australians are perennial threats in concerts. Normally i am an avid supporter of this rule, mainly cause i am deaf and can’t hear anything anyway. Flip is a habitual song-interrupter. The Australian influence might have spread to the Philippines. I’m used to it now so i end up nodding and smiling a lot. Backfired once at a Modest Mouse show. Flip leans in to say something. I give him the ear but can’t hear anything as per usual. I make out something like “blah blah blah Johnny Marr”. I look back up to the stage and say yeah he does kind of look like Johnny Marr. About another 4 or 5 occasions during the gig flip shakes my arm and i hear variations of “blah blah blah Johnny Marr dude!” at varying levels of excitement. After the show we go outside to smoke and finish beers and whatnot and the band makes an appearance at the window. Flip starts screaming like a banshee “Johhny Marr! Johnny Marr!” I’m like fuck Phil, yeah he kind of looks like him but i don’t think he’s going to get the joke….turns out Johnny Marr plays with Modest Mouse now…

We move a little closer during the encore to take some more movies and Guy spots us during one of the songs and nods. Recognition from the band! As soon as the set is finished Dan is at the side door beckoning us backstage. Did i mention i love these guys?

This time there is hardly any record company folk backstage, just us and the band. Whilst the 10 or so beers by now has given me confidence i’m still unsure how to approach the subject of a photo with them. Cue Boban. Bless his little cotton socks.

Boban: You are big rock band from Seattle yes? We take photo.

And promptly throws himself into the mix. Well if Boban can i’m not missing out.

Now the ice is broken there is more chit chat. i introduce myself to Mark and Steve finally, Silk still hasn’t redeemed himself as an introducer…if only his awesomeness could spread to other areas… Mark and Steve think my accent is Scottish, Guy thinks it’s Irish. I’m still coming to terms with Mudhoney having a discussion about me.

Boban is deep in conversation with Mark and Steve so i join silk and Dan over by the couch. We have a good laugh about the Serbian finger phone. Dan is awesome, a really top bloke. Apparently i can’t hang out with Silk if i ever go to Seattle – something to do with the awesomeness level i think – so i’m going to annoy his sister and her husband, but i really hope to run into these guys again one day, especially Dan and Guy, they are just champions! Dan played in Nirvana for fuck’s sake and you’d think he’s more interested to hear a couple of drunk guys explaining talking Serbian into their hands to a Czech cab driver…

We can tell they’re tired but when we asked Dan if he was enjoying it his answer sums it up:

“Look at me man, I’ve just finished playing music i love, i’m backstage having a beer in Prague, of course i’m having fun!”

Substitute “playing” for “watching” and you could have taken the words right out of my mouth. Meat Loaf pun unavoidable.

Unfortunately we inevitably have to leave the guys so we part ways. Full of courage now i’m shaking hands with them all. I don’t know if we were on handshaking terms but we are now. Boban takes us to a local bar where his Serbian mates have congregated. Like Silk put it, it certainly brought a different and great element to the weekend. Completed it in a way. We had done the mega touristy stuff, stuff people wish they could do, and now stuff that hardly any tourists do and locals take for granted. Most of the chat is in Serbian so i just listen and nod and smile…bit like being at a gig really. One guy in the group is Czech and says he can only speak Czech and German. We try to shoot the shit in German but i am really unsure who knew less German between the two of us. It was a dismal effort.

We head in to town when the bar shut. Nothing happened outside the bar did it Silk? Apparently some Japanese company has paid to close of the main square – you know, ‘the’ square…the one with ‘the’ clock – and have giant smoke machines filling the air with…smoke. Looked really eerie. Have a few great photos but now i wish i took more. One last beer and then it was off to bed. A few hours sleep, a long drive and we would be back in Frankfurt and unfortunately reality.

That ending is supposed to have been poetical but on second reading looks like the blog equivalent of finishing an essay with “and then i woke up and it was all a dream…”

It did all happen, it just felt surreal. Part 4 will be pictures and Video evidence if i ever get around to putting them on youtube. Stay tuned!

So i’m not allowed to discuss the c-bomb and now i can’t talk about fashion either. There’s just no keeping Squires’ high-brow audience happy is there. I might go back and edit my post (if i can’t write a new one) to include ugg-boots worn outside the house – that’s a definite no-no.

Me: There really are a lot of fit women in Frankfurt
Berger: There is a huge difference between ‘fit’ and ‘accessible’.

I used to watch a lot of stand-up comedy when i was living in Australia. I’d go to uni during the day and straight to work at the Rusty (RSL, club, pub) and then get home at 1-2 in the morning or so. Of course you can’t go straight to sleep as anyone who has done shift work will tell you, so i’d watch tele. What else is on at 2 in the morning than the comedy channel.

I remember this clip and I’m paraphrasing something i saw about 8 or 9 years ago here, but if it rings a bell and someone could tell me the comedian’s name i’d be much appreciative. Google gave me nothing.

You know when you fancy a girl and she tells you that everything is so good between you that she’d just like to keep it as friends? Imagine that in a job interview…

Thanks for coming Tommy. We’ve had a look through your cv and it’s very impressive. You’ve got written down here that you’re honest, not afraid of commitment…you’re good looking (creative licence rocks!)…we’ve seen you’re hilarious…basically you are exactly what we are looking for, but we’d just rather not. We admit, you are perfect for the role, in fact so much so that if you wouldn’t mind we’d like to keep your cv on file and call you to complain about the guys that we do take on and how bad they are at the job…

Want to know how to keep a fool waiting? I’ll tell you next week…

No seriously, do you want to know how to keep a fool waiting? Send him a text message which reads:

* some text missing *cking Amazing!!!

Watch how long they wait for the rest of that message to show up…

I have realised i have become desensitized to life in general. For a while i thought my body was just rejecting life. Strange illnesses, bites and rashes…it was just like i was allergic to being. Now it seems my mentality has joined the party. I don’t know that i experience polarities of feelings anymore. I don’t really get happy, or sad, or find things funny or scary or horrifying – i get annoyed a lot but that doesn’t really count. I find it hard to remember a time when i could truly answer “i’m happy”. Sure, United winning cheers me up briefly, and music still elicits a reaction, but the rest is some sort of unresponsive, indifferent, grey numbness. I can’t surround myself with music and football every day. I watch movies and tv and barely register that it’s on. How did i like the movie? It was ok. Was it? I have no idea. It is my standard response to everything. How are you? I’m ok. Am i? I wouldn’t know. I’ve given up caring. I’ve managed to remove almost every thing or person which was causing me anxiety or stress from my life, to the point that i just float around independent of connection. I look forward to the occasional argument to fire up the coals of my wit to see if it still works. Would a change of scenery help? Probably not. I don’t know what would. I’ll just carry on my semi-detached existence hoping that something sparks me back to life. I’ve gone from being a man of bridled enthusiasm, to being a man of bridled participation.

Told you i was fucking hilarious.

Another from the old Xanga days. It’s funny to read this actually to see that i once liked Tevez. That was before he tried to be bigger than our team. You can try to go against Fergie if you’re stupid enough Carlito, but don’t think for one second the fans will follow you down that road.

After watching my side struggle again today i remembered i haven’t told the tale of my visit to Old Trafford last weekend…the most surreal weekend i’ve had in my life.

I also must apologise to my future wife as i have probably already had the best day in my life.

So my day started off on the Friday, a half day at work to get out for an afternoon flight. Originally the game was on Saturday but the powers that be obviously decided they could make more money off us on the Sunday. So we had a few days to kill in sunny Wigan.

So out at the airport a little earlier than necessary i retire to the bar for a bit of pre-flight courage. You’d think i’d be used to flying by now.

Irish Girl at bar (loud enough so that the whole restaurant/bar stops their conversations and turns around to look): Ha! I can speak German…. Spaghetti Bolognaise….

Time to take a dip in the gene pool i think, you seem to be a little low…

Walking through security i had my headphones on and took them out to try to hear what the German Airport security chick was saying to the little child she was accosting.

Airport chick: Deutsch oder English?
Scared child’s father: ah English Definitely. (Some sort of Scandinavian…German was probably not yet amongst the 18 fucking languages that kid will know shortly)
Airport Chick: Are you a boy or a girl?

Now i know German’s are a bit direct at times but little Sven from Scandinavia probably didn’t appreciate that..

Now as i said i have flown a lot in recent years, and i’m now at the point where i’m not too nervous, except for when things happen that seem out of the ordinary. So i’m on my way back from the toilet onboard when there is this horrible thumping noise underneath our feet. Not good. Two big Manc lads behind be seem a bit perturbed also.

Mancs: Was that normal?
Steward Guy: Ahh i’ll just check with the captain – and goes back and makes a phonecall.
Steward on return: Yep everything’s ok. The captain will make an announcement shortly. So was that a tomato juice you wanted?
Mancs: ahh yep thanks.
Steward: Ice and Lemon?
Manc: Oh you’re spoling me now…
Steward: Could be your last…

…Fuck me!

So we made it to Manchester, very bumpily, and already i found myself using a lot more words than necessary when talking with people…just cause i could. My German is not what you would call conversational, rather functional.

Passing Bolton on the train i decide that is about as close as i want to go to it. I had not seen so many freaks since my jaunt through Swindon.

Jumping in a cab in Wigan, the lady at the hotel had told me it would be about £3. Of course i had left my printouts on my desk at work so was merely guessing the name of the pub – which to a cabbie is like bending over and telling him not to bother spitting…

Cabbie: So you up for the football then?
Me: ahh yep.
Cabbie: Tottenham fan are you?
Me: ahhh no.
Cabbie: Wigan fan then?
me: ahhh no.
Cabbie: ?
me (still having not got over my lessons from the past when declaring your football side in the UK): ahh United?
Cabbie: Cool so am i! Let’s just make it £7 then.

Mates rates is that? Cunt!

So i walk into the luxurious Wetherspoons lodge. Two big lads in front of me tell me to go grab a magazine off the desk when he’s not looking cause of a half price room voucher in there. Grand! Beers for you two!

Check-in guy: You up for the football then?
Me: ahh yep.
Check-in guy: Heskey is looking pretty dangerous at the moment.
Me: is he behind me? …..oooh he thinks i’m a Tottenham fan as well. Now i know my accent is pretty fucked up but i’ve never ever been confused with a North Londoner…no tip for you my good man.

So i make my way to the bar for a pint to wait for the others. Run into the two large lads and get in a round with them. Nice blokes but the sort who will interrupt their own conversation to unsubtly gawk at some passing ‘talent’. And my word, Wiagn seemed to have it’s fair share. I was later to see the most stunning girl i have ever seen in person…she knocked Kryptonite off top spot i think.

So my mate arrives and introduces me to all his mates. I am awful with introductions so play heavily on an Australian’s ability to use mate instead of real names for everybody. The drinks are flowing and i’m introduced to another person where above the background hum all i managed to here was “this is something something something father something something something”. So i figure it to be my mates dad, though i couldnt pick why he had an American accent.

Drinks continue, i mean £2.99 Magners, are you shitting me? I’m effing and blinding my way through conversations with all these people i’ve only just met…I’m Australian, it’s allowed. Turns out the aforementioned ‘father’ was actually a father..as in a priest. Christ, i’ve got to try to curtail my language in front of him. Prolly shouldn’t blaspheme whilst making a mental note either.

Random girl: I like coldplay
Me: Coldplay? Are you shitting me? To be honest i don’t think i’ve liked anything coming out of the UK in at least the last ten years. Wait, is Muse from the UK?
Random girl: My God I can’t believe you like Muse.
Me: Coldplay? Are you shitting me? I don’t think you can weigh into this bout…

So i retire to my room to watch the rest of some old movie i remember from when i was a kid starring Bette Midler, Danny DeVito and Judge Reinhold when Bette Midler gets kidnapped and Danny DeVito won’t pay the ransom. Seriously, what ever happened to Judge Reinhold? Make a mental note to write a punk song with Phil about Judge Reinhold, and ensure it goes for 1 minute and 47 seconds. What kind of a name is Judge? Are his brothers and sisters called President, Astronaut and Rockstar?

Go to sleep musing over this and trying to remember not to make jokes with religious conotations or swear in front of the priest.

Wake up and go to breakfast.

Lad: How you feeling today Matt?
me: Dry as a fucking nun’s nasty…

…shit….

So Saturday we spent the day visiting people and blessing things. Sadly never ran in to the new Kryptonite again…though currently i need about 3-6 weeks before i talk to someone so it would probably never have worked ;) The two heavy set guys tell me they have fallen in love 17 times tonight. Forgetting to eat dinner was not the best idea i’ve ever had so subsequently never remembered walking upstairs to my room, nor taking three quarters of a pint of cider with me to keep next to my bed.

This is my only photo of the night. I reckon it is a fair shout that with two and a half pints of cider in front of me i probably didn’t need the neat whiskey as well…Quadruple parking!

Sunday – Game day.

Wake up in an absolutely awful state. Miss check out time. Reception guy wishes me luck for the Tottenham match. Gone too far now, going to have to keep up this charade. Meet the others in the pub, they have started on the pints. It’s half 10. Fuck. Yesterday was a bad idea. So we hire an 8 seater van to take us all to Manchester early. At this point we still are short two tickets as the group has expanded. These two tickets are mine and my mates but i’m told not to worry. It was being taken care of. We find a pub to watch the Wigan Tottenham match. Dire. I’m glad i don’t actually have to support that team. With thirty minutes to go we head back towards the ground. We stop to buy some cans at an offlicence. 6 Lagers, 1 cider and Father was abstaining. So we head down the famed Sir Matt Busby Way and i can see the ground and it’s all sinking in…i’m back home. All of a sudden we’re whisked into a doorway and heading up some stairs – “Shut the door!”. I shut the door wondering what is going on. It is then whispered back down to me that we are in the office of the head of the Red Army – the Man United Hooligans. This fella had been banned from football for 5 years. One minute i’m drinking with a priest and the next with a skinhead rioter. What the hell is going on. So ‘business’ was taken care of, and we were soon on our way to the ground again, the troupe now down to three.

Then the call came and we had tickets. We just had to go and meet some guy. Walking past the Chelski dressing rooms to the tune of:

Viva John Terry! Viva John Terry!
Could have won the cup, but he fucked it up!
Viva John Terry!

So we’re told to wait while the lad goes and meets the guy for our tickets. He swiftly returns and gives us our tickets in an under the table fashion had we been seated at a table. “You might want to hold on to those tickets after the match…” Glancing down at the tickets to see they are in the name of one R.Ferdinand…we’re sitting in Fucking Rio Ferdninands seats!!

Rio’s seats! The lads to my right never spoke a word of English…i would take a stab at Serbian..it’s wuite possible these were the seats of our back four…

What on earth is going on today?? Could this day get any better?

Could it what!

3 fucking nil! And a demoralised Chelski squad making us look a lot better than we actually were. Evergreen Giggsy turning back the clock for a vintage display. Vidic making coffin nails look weak, and Didhefallover Drogba look somewhat pathetic. Rooney covering more ground and more positions than i have ever seen anyone do in my life. Kissing the emblem on the flag, one to remember. But the hairs on the back of the neck truly stood up, along with the other 79,000 people when Tevez came out to warm up, soluting the crowd’s reaction with his hand on his heart. The talk around was that their hasn’t been a reception like that for somoene warming up since Cantona. I hope Fergie was listening!

Are you watching Merseyside? I’m sure they can wheel a plastic tele into the psych ward where they keep Rafa.