Seriously people, it’s time to set an example for the kids. Be like Bono and think of the children. Don’t cross at the traffic lights when the lights are red…walk 20 meters further up the road and jaywalk instead. Don’t be lazy!

Predictive text didnt recognise “schmancy” as a word, as in Fancy Schmancy. Fair enough its not a word, but instead of just saying no it offers “Rainbowy” as an alternative??? That arc of light in the sky over there reflecting the full range of colours is very rainbowy.

I fucking hate catchphrase humour. A joke really hits it’s funnyness heights the first time an audience hears it. Each time after that is a sliding scale downwards. There are so many ways to say something in the English language, why choose to use the same words over and over again? Be imaginative. Create something. I haven’t liked mayonnaise for going on 29 years now. This is not really news anymore (if it ever was). Time for some new material people.

After a little deliberation i’m going to post a heavily edited version of the post i had originally written. Most of it was reaction to hearsay which is how rumours and everything like that spread and would put me in no better stead than the others. So until i can actually confirm what was said i’ll just have to take it on the chin and merely make a few directionless statements.

I don’t believe all opinions should be shared. I’m not pulling a Keano here with a ‘do as i say, not as i do’ approach, but i truly believe some ideas are best kept to oneself. That may sound a bit rich coming from someone who publishes rants on a blog, but i do my best to keep these at a general level, and not to preach. My opinions are my own and can be ignored…i do not suggest that my way of doing things is the right way and should be followed. I merely point out inconsistencies and hypocrisies that i see around me. Why do i publish them? Do i think people want to hear this? Judging by my fan base of 4 loyal readers i would say no. But given that i’m rarely allowed to speak long enough to build up a point, i need some other sort of outlet.

I like how some people appear to presume they are in a position to delve out suggestions from their own ‘guide to better living’ at will, on the assumption that is righteous, altruistic behaviour. Ok i understand the care and consideration a friend can show towards another friend when they are worried or thinks that person is heading down the wrong path, but i think there are serious limits to this approach which need to be considered. It is entirely subjective to say there is something wrong with someone else if the person in question has not asked for help themselves. To then go about creating theories on how to ‘solve’ or ‘fix’ this problem which may or may not exist seems to me a futile exercise in self-importance. Does it make you feel better to create a problem so that you can solve it? If it ain’t broke, it don’t need fixin.

Somebody get Ja Rule on the line…i need to make sense of this…

At times it feels like i am surrounded by dogs on heat. This overbearing ‘need’ to find women seems like borderline desperation to me. The amount of times i’ve had a conversation with someone recently where their eyes have drifted off to some tail, or they have just flat-out interrupted the conversation to make some schoolboy comment about a chick is alarming. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a fan of window shopping and checking out the local standards, but i don’t let it consume my being where i lose control over all my other functions. Each to their own i guess. My outlook on this topic has not really changed since i was a young’un in Australia. I loathe going out to ‘Pick up’ with a passion. I can’t stand it. This idea of going out with the solitary goal of ‘hooking up’ rather than, and often at the expense of enjoying yourself is beyond me.

I don’t think it’s necessarily an age thing as i’ve always thought this way, but perhaps more of a personal thing. I think that i look for girlfriends rather than shags. Sure everyone’s had the odd one night thing…i wouldn’t take it back, but wouldn’t necessarily throw myself willingly into it again either. Just as a girl may imagine herself with the boy’s surname when they are dating (old fashioned girls, not modern one’s who probably have an issue with this and are possiblly fully justified in thinking this, i just don’t care either way), if i hook up with a girl i am imagining going out with her. Hence why i probably wouldn’t go into some of my one night flings again. Hindsight is 20/20.

I find it hard to justify going to ‘pick up’ places, or joints where people go to meet girls – clubs etc. I cannot see myself dating someone who enjoys going to those places. The only way that could possibly work out is if she was in the same boat as me and was dragged along by her friends, loathes the places as well and see’s the only chance of meeting someone is if they hate the place too. The odds of this are not high. Probably as high as a nice girl turning up to the places i like to hang out at. Same chances, one place i enjoy, the other gives me hives…pretty simple decision to make.

The thing is, i just don’t need to go and pick up. I have no urge to. No desire. I am quite content with things at the moment. If a girl comes into my life, fine – i’ll welcome it, but i don’t need to go out and chase it. When i actively want to meet someone – if that ever happens – then i may have to adopt a different approach, but right now i am in no rush. So when i make plans to hang out at my place or a mate’s place, i’m obviously not trying to pick up anyone am i? You’d think then that it stands to reason that whatever extracurricular activities i pursue during these occasions have sweet fuck-all bearing on my ‘chances of picking up’? I mean i hate to bring logic to the party and all, but i think it missed the invite.

And yes this was the censored version…Moving along swiftly…

As we are on the topic of girls, i had been meaning to pictorially represent my top 5 hottest celebrities as discussed in Portugal. Unlike some vegans i know, my celebrities indeed have names, and are not just dehumanised pieces of meat (oh the irony). Who the fuck is Zac Efron anyway? Who’s he when he’s at home?

I am going to cheat a little though to make my life easier, and break it up into two categories – Music and Film/TV. Basically for no other reason than i get to add more pictures of chicks to my page and i can list Milla Jovovich as a musician giving me another film and tv one. It’s true, she’s got mp3′s available on her page and stuff. Haven’t heard them though as they are probably rubbish and it will break my heart.

Please note i don’t necessarily endorse the music of the musician’s listed. Thankfully this has no bearing on how hot they are.

So in no particular order the film/tv category are as follows:

[Show as slideshow]

(From L to R): Alyssa Milano, Eliza Dushku, Jessica Alba, Megan Fox (though i’m pretty sure she’s stupid), Monica Bellucci

and the Music Category…

[Show as slideshow]

(From L to R): Alizee, Brody Dalle, Fiona Apple, Katie Melua, Milla Jovovich

Seems to be a theme there doesn’t it. It’s not that i don’t like blondes, i just prefer brunettes. I’ve never had a blonde girlfriend. I saw this girl briefly who had dyed pink hair, but the carpet didn’t necessarily match the curtains, not sure if that counts? Milla was blonde for a bit wasn’t she? Jessica Alba was well fit as a blonde in Sin city, but if i had to choose…

I should take this opportunity to mention that a lot of the things i write on here have been previously road tested on the unsuspecting individuals i hang out with. It’s probably a good thing they don’t read my blog cause then they would realise i am just going for extra mileage of something that has already gotten a laugh.

I have more fashion criticisms to add to the list of things that piss me off now that it looks like i’ll be staying in Frankfurt a while longer.

Leggings – i don’t think i have explicitly mentioned leggings on here before, but the more that i see them the more the annoy me. The ONLY time leggings are acceptable is if you are going to a fancy dress party where the theme is the 80′s or your favourite Olvia Newton john film clip. That’s it. And none of this wearing leggings underneath mini skirts or shorts – this goes for jeans under skirts as well – this is just cheating. You can’t get any credit for wearing revealing clothing by covering it up with more clothing. Are you going to put a bikini top over the top of a shirt next?

Peter Pan boots – Seriously, what’s the story here? Why is there a bunch of women walking around Frankfurt with these Peter Pan / Robin Hood floppy looking boots that go just over the ankle and look like they should be accompanied by an épée? If you complete your outfit with the aforementioned leggings you may as well be one of the merry men!

But see this is the thing. As much as these things annoy the fuck out of me, there is one thing that can override them all. One simple yet drastic flaw in male chemistry – the pant-line thumb. Advertising agencies have known about this for a while i think, judging by magazine covers and the like. You’ve seen it…some svelte harlot, tanned, bikini etc. standing there staring at you with her thumb resting gently on the inside of the waste band to her bikini bottoms, wantonly devouring you with her look. Take her hand out of the top of her pants and she looks like a semi-dement. What is this genetic weakness we have? It’s just a thumb?!? It’s like a pirate parlay. I could be absolutely livid with a girl and hate her guts, and she could put her thumb in the top of her pants and i’d be instantly aroused. Achilles had two weaknesses…his heel and the pant-line thumb.

Having said that, if Milla Jovovich or Megan Fox came up to me wearing leggings and peter pan boots i wouldn’t care if they had any thumbs or not, their power beats scissors, paper, rock and dynamite!

Have you seen what is happening to my country? We should have a new slogan for tourism Australia:

Missing the bible? We’ve got floods in the north, fires in the south, locusts coming in from the West and now dust falling everywhere. So where the bloody hell are ya?

I would describe myself as apathetic, except that i don’t possess the incline to subscribe to a doctrine.

Normally this doesn’t cause an issue…except in relationships…however i can see it getting me into trouble. Take the other day for example, when i was pretty much bullied on a train. It could have ended worse i guess.

So i was on the train to Sam’s to watch some football, and sitting in a 4-seater section by myself with my headphones on – think it was Dave Matthews which may have made me even more pacifist at the time. These two lads come on and sit down, one to my left and the other directly across from me. As the lad directly across from me sits down his puma bag nudges my leg so i look away from the window to see what it was, then look back to the window. Next his leg sort of bumps into mine. I didn’t even bother looking. Dave is singing about rolling one and smoking his mind for a short time. Keep in mind this is like 7:30 at night, the train is fairly crowded. We get to the next stop and the fella in front of me takes of his scarf which also manages to brush against me. All of this could be interpreted one way or the other. But then he grabs one end and proceeds to flick me with his scarf like you would expect to see in some showerroom scene from revenge of the nerds. I was gobsmacked. I just looked him directly in the eyes with a look of amazement. Did he really just do that? He was too busy laughing like a 12 year old school girl at a drawing of a penis with his mate. So instead of looking back out the window i now rest my head back on the seat and just look straight ahead above this tool’s greasy hair. Then he proceeds to flick some orange peel at me. I am still in shock that these people exist. This prick was older than me. So again i look him in the eye, havent taken my headphones out cause i really don’t even know where to begin in english let alone German. Bist du ok? In der kopf? So then he points to my jacket…there is nothing on there. Then he takes his friends phone to take a picture of my jacket with nothing on there. Seriously i have no idea what to do, this is so incredibly retarded i just keep staring at him. Finally, it seems my lack of reaction has left them with no alternative but to sit there in silence for the remainder of the trip. I don’t even acknowledge their presence when i get off the train, except to push past their exagerrated leg spread.

Lesson for today kiddies…don’t give a fuck about anything, and do so in a way where people can see it in your face and you won’t get bullied for long…

While i’m on the topic of train journeys…

Some may label me a revolutionary for what i am about to say. It’s not mean’t to be a revelation though in this part of the world it seems it just may be. Allow me if you will, Germany, to introduce you to the concept of ‘personal space’. I’ll give you a minute to absorb this ideal. I don’t want to scare you so i will just ease you into it to begin with.

This doesn’t refer to those alloted spaces for Gardening i see as i catch the train out of Frankfurt. I’m sure you have a polysyllabic word for these containing all of the letters of the alphabet twice and their umlauted cousins…no this is more an imaginary boundary surrounding ourselves.

You see in other parts of the world it is not very common – or indeed well received – to encroach upon someone else’s personal space. It differs in every culture, studies having shown that people living in more populous cultures have a smaller space requirement than those in sparser environments, (i remember seeing some stop motion animation at uni of a social gathering with Japanese people speaking to American’s which almost resembled a dance as the Japanese looked to get closer while the American’s looked to maintain a distance between them) yet here in Germany there doesn’t appear to be a distance at all.

This is not fiction peoples…Wikipedia even has a page on it so it must be true!

What part of your psyche thinks that by rubbing up against the person in front of you will make the line go faster? Don’t be fooled by me moving as close as humanly possible to the person in front of me without actually touching them when you do this to me, as the line getting shorter. It’s not. You are just making everyone uncomfortable.

What part of you thinks it is ok to touch a stranger?

Seriously, just once i would like to catch a train without someone touching me. I don’t think this is being unreasonable. I used to have a goal of walking from one end of the zeil to the other without someone touching me but now realise i might have more luck gettting a tune out of one of the other pussycat sluts – excluding the bint fucking Lewis Hamilton. Seriously, what do the other one’s do?

Do you have assault charges in Germany? Ahh excuse me your honour this man touched my private bits. Not guilty he was just checking his mail and happened to reach out 4 or 5 metres as you were crossing the road. He is German after-all…ahh ach so.

And this whole non-chalance of your bag draping over my lap when we’re on the train. Do you think because it is not part of your body that that is ok? Because it is just hanging off you, it is out of your control and therefore responsibility? Try that reasoning with me when i carry my baseball bat on a string…

And what is with the obtuse angles for guys legs on trains? I’m not entering into a size contest here…i don’t think i am particularly small, but i have no need to spread my legs at 90 degrees or more…what the fuck do you have down there?

And seriously, If wearing an entire bottle of perfume is the lesser of two evils perhaps you should not venture out in public.

Very cathartic.

So a few months back i went to a Ben Folds gig and didn’t invite the lads. This comes back to haunt me once a week or so when they bring it up. I won’t be doing that again. It was a band anyway…not like a party at someone’s house or something…

Throw up a catchphrase, drop the cliche, you’ve got nothing to say, so you can tell someone else.

John Frusciante dated Milla Jovovich….gutted

Think i might go cull some people from facebook…oh wait i’m not 30…