I would describe myself as apathetic, except that i don’t possess the incline to subscribe to a doctrine.

Normally this doesn’t cause an issue…except in relationships…however i can see it getting me into trouble. Take the other day for example, when i was pretty much bullied on a train. It could have ended worse i guess.

So i was on the train to Sam’s to watch some football, and sitting in a 4-seater section by myself with my headphones on – think it was Dave Matthews which may have made me even more pacifist at the time. These two lads come on and sit down, one to my left and the other directly across from me. As the lad directly across from me sits down his puma bag nudges my leg so i look away from the window to see what it was, then look back to the window. Next his leg sort of bumps into mine. I didn’t even bother looking. Dave is singing about rolling one and smoking his mind for a short time. Keep in mind this is like 7:30 at night, the train is fairly crowded. We get to the next stop and the fella in front of me takes of his scarf which also manages to brush against me. All of this could be interpreted one way or the other. But then he grabs one end and proceeds to flick me with his scarf like you would expect to see in some showerroom scene from revenge of the nerds. I was gobsmacked. I just looked him directly in the eyes with a look of amazement. Did he really just do that? He was too busy laughing like a 12 year old school girl at a drawing of a penis with his mate. So instead of looking back out the window i now rest my head back on the seat and just look straight ahead above this tool’s greasy hair. Then he proceeds to flick some orange peel at me. I am still in shock that these people exist. This prick was older than me. So again i look him in the eye, havent taken my headphones out cause i really don’t even know where to begin in english let alone German. Bist du ok? In der kopf? So then he points to my jacket…there is nothing on there. Then he takes his friends phone to take a picture of my jacket with nothing on there. Seriously i have no idea what to do, this is so incredibly retarded i just keep staring at him. Finally, it seems my lack of reaction has left them with no alternative but to sit there in silence for the remainder of the trip. I don’t even acknowledge their presence when i get off the train, except to push past their exagerrated leg spread.

Lesson for today kiddies…don’t give a fuck about anything, and do so in a way where people can see it in your face and you won’t get bullied for long…

While i’m on the topic of train journeys…

Some may label me a revolutionary for what i am about to say. It’s not mean’t to be a revelation though in this part of the world it seems it just may be. Allow me if you will, Germany, to introduce you to the concept of ‘personal space’. I’ll give you a minute to absorb this ideal. I don’t want to scare you so i will just ease you into it to begin with.

This doesn’t refer to those alloted spaces for Gardening i see as i catch the train out of Frankfurt. I’m sure you have a polysyllabic word for these containing all of the letters of the alphabet twice and their umlauted cousins…no this is more an imaginary boundary surrounding ourselves.

You see in other parts of the world it is not very common – or indeed well received – to encroach upon someone else’s personal space. It differs in every culture, studies having shown that people living in more populous cultures have a smaller space requirement than those in sparser environments, (i remember seeing some stop motion animation at uni of a social gathering with Japanese people speaking to American’s which almost resembled a dance as the Japanese looked to get closer while the American’s looked to maintain a distance between them) yet here in Germany there doesn’t appear to be a distance at all.

This is not fiction peoples…Wikipedia even has a page on it so it must be true!

What part of your psyche thinks that by rubbing up against the person in front of you will make the line go faster? Don’t be fooled by me moving as close as humanly possible to the person in front of me without actually touching them when you do this to me, as the line getting shorter. It’s not. You are just making everyone uncomfortable.

What part of you thinks it is ok to touch a stranger?

Seriously, just once i would like to catch a train without someone touching me. I don’t think this is being unreasonable. I used to have a goal of walking from one end of the zeil to the other without someone touching me but now realise i might have more luck gettting a tune out of one of the other pussycat sluts – excluding the bint fucking Lewis Hamilton. Seriously, what do the other one’s do?

Do you have assault charges in Germany? Ahh excuse me your honour this man touched my private bits. Not guilty he was just checking his mail and happened to reach out 4 or 5 metres as you were crossing the road. He is German after-all…ahh ach so.

And this whole non-chalance of your bag draping over my lap when we’re on the train. Do you think because it is not part of your body that that is ok? Because it is just hanging off you, it is out of your control and therefore responsibility? Try that reasoning with me when i carry my baseball bat on a string…

And what is with the obtuse angles for guys legs on trains? I’m not entering into a size contest here…i don’t think i am particularly small, but i have no need to spread my legs at 90 degrees or more…what the fuck do you have down there?

And seriously, If wearing an entire bottle of perfume is the lesser of two evils perhaps you should not venture out in public.

Very cathartic.

So a few months back i went to a Ben Folds gig and didn’t invite the lads. This comes back to haunt me once a week or so when they bring it up. I won’t be doing that again. It was a band anyway…not like a party at someone’s house or something…

Throw up a catchphrase, drop the cliche, you’ve got nothing to say, so you can tell someone else.

John Frusciante dated Milla Jovovich….gutted

Think i might go cull some people from facebook…oh wait i’m not 30…

I never managed to grow dreadlocks…coincidentally i never became a Bike Courier either…

I think i may have come up with a valid explanation. Everything i have whinged about with regards to German behaviour can be explained.

It’s peripheral vision…

Or, more precisely, a lack thereof.

Think about it. You know when you are on the train platform waiting for the u-bahn or s-bahn, and you have to keep studying the train map in front of you or pretending to check through text messages on your phone because there are 85 German people to your left staring vacantly in your general direction or past you down the abyss of a tunnel to your right as if it will make the train get there faster? It’s not that they believe it is going to make it come faster…it’s just that they have no idea if it is approaching or not because they can’t see any movement unless they are actually facing that direction.

Queueing or lining up. It is not that they have no concept of the people around them, it’s just that they don’t know you are there. Don’t feel slighted if they push in front of you from an angle or order before you at the bar even though you were clearly there before them. Remember…they only see the bartender, and then blackness to either side. It is not their fault.

Now that i think about it, I hadn’t taken this into account when i wrote about people bumping into me on the train. I don’t recall any of the people doing it having been facing me. They were genetically incabpable of noticing me.

Why do their footballers only score from corners? It makes perfect sense…the corner taker is facing in field to the goalmouth, with at least 7 or 8 of his team mates facing directly back at him. How best to execute a header? Face the ball as it is coming in to you…then turn your head when you contact the ball until you are facing the direction in which you want the ball to travel…i.e. the goal. No peripheral vision necessary.

Basketball? Totally reliant on peripheral vision. German presence? Slim to none. What, 2 NBA players in the last 20 years. A european championship some 16 years ago?

Formula 1…THERE ARE BITS OF YOUR CAR TO YOUR LEFT AND RIGHT! YOU ONLY NEED TO SEE STRAIGHT AHEAD! No wonder Schumacher dominated. It’s like a blind person…take away one of their senses and the other sense becomes stronger! Everyone remember him turning in on Damon Hill in ’94? Not guilty. Physically incapable of knowing he was there. Schumacher turning in on Jaques Villeneuve in 97? Not guilty. He cannot possibly see to the side of him. In 2006 when he pulled his car up going into the corner during qualifying to stop Fernandocunt Alonso from beating him to poll? He clearly could not see the road continued on round a corner to his right…

Still doesn’t explain socks and sandals though…

A blast from the past