I recently bought some flowers for some different people. I’m hoping it might make at least one of the recipients happy. Anyway, now the flower company is sending me emails about their specials and seasonal offers etc. Yesterday i got one titled “Admire your fiery Arian loved ones” …Arian flowers…you’d really want to make sure your audience knows how to spell and the difference between the two words. How many of those gift cards have been addressed to ‘my blue-eyed girl’…

You know how people are glad when you get Chicken pox as a kid, cause it’s so much worse when your an adult? Well you know what else sucks donkey balls as an adult?

Squires.

Just kidding…no you know what else sucks? For want of a better phrase, a broken heart. Every parent or guardian counsels their distraught offspring following a breakup that they weren’t really in love and that the feeling will pass and all that sugar coated stuff…but the kid still feels like his heart is going to burst out of his chest and kick the living shit out of him and so believes it to be love. See that’s the thing, I know my heart wasn’t broken and i wasn’t in love, i’m far too rational for that, but it still fucking hurts…a lot. And i think i know what is to blame…it’s 12 years of all-boy schooling.

Stay with me…this my take a while to get to the point.

This never happened to me when i was younger so i never built up my immunity. I tell a lie anyway…it wasn’t all 12 years of schooling that was void of girls. I did have chicks in my class up until year 4, which would have made me 9 or something i guess. You know, before you really knew they were ‘chicks’. When you played catch and kiss and they grabbed you and pulled you into the girls toilets to kiss you and you actually put up a struggle to get away… So by the time i realised that that was actually what i wanted to do it was too late and i was several years into my all-boy schooling.

Fast forward another few years and you get the uncomfortable situation where you ask a girl on your train to school who you’ve never spoken to before, to the end of year formal (prom) purely because the only other girls you know are friends of your sister, the girls at Basketball, or three or four (hopefully) girls you know on the internet…

A quick jump forward in time till you finish school and head to schoolies (Spring Break) and you find that the time that you really, really want to talk to girls also coincides with the first time you are really attempting to do so, and the first time you realise you have no idea how to.

Here’s where you falter about a bit in pubs trying to figure out just what you’re supposed to do. This is what most people learn when they are 12. Christ girls could have spoken another language for all i knew. Like Seth Efrican or something. Could you imagine? If all girls were Saffas? I would have become a priest.

Scoot forward a little to Uni (college – see how i keep Squires informed during this) and i’m being asked to concentrate in a first year Psych lecture as one of only 70 or 80 guys in a room of 400 girls. No chance. But this is what your normal teen gets to find out in primary school, so that by the time they get into secondary school they are used to it and can easily juggle both, girls and grades. That requirement was taken away from me…i suppose that’s why i got good grades.

So by the time Uni had come around, i had bypassed all of the crawling stages and was in the track team. Great on the one hand yet always missing something. The dating stage. People learn from dating. They have crushes, and then it develops into more than that and they have their heart broken and they get over it and they go through it again and they learn from their mistakes and they learn how to react and they see things coming and they can judge how well they like someone in comparison to those that have fallen by the wayside before them. Not me. I get a crush on someone and i’m picturing how the meeting will go with my parents and what she will sound like with my surname and if she’ll let me brainwash my kids into being United supporters. I missed several stages in the dating evolution. The process is now somewhat streamlined…

I want to be able to like someone…see if it works out, and if not just say, oh well there was no real spark between us. I seem to be subconsciously unwilling to get into anything with a girl before i’m sure that i think it can work. It’s like the only two scenarios available are together forever or not at all. So now when i break up with someone or become magical bestest ‘friends’ forever, the casual observer in the guise of a concerned parent will dismiss it as a passing fancy, yet for me it feels like that 12 year old kid and my world is going to end. My social retardedness is unbridled.

Thanks catholic school system!

Reasons to contact a friend with bad news. The survey says:

1. You are running late
2. You forgot their birthday
3. You’re cancelling a date
4. You’re cancelling a holiday
5. You are breaking up with them
6. You’re getting a divorce
7. Somebody close to them has died
8. You have died (from beyond the grave of course)

How many answers did Family Feud generally have? It’s been a while. Anyway, i’d say you would even struggle – depending on the friend of course – to get away with a text message for the first two…a forgotten birthday is ok if the people aren’t that close…but if you choose a text message to deliver any of the news from 3 onwards you’re taking the fucking piss! Even this social retard knows that…

Screw you Jack White…you’re not the only person who can make an instrument out of spare parts…I give you the Berger…

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and for those of you not on wastebook…the object that will now receive all of my wasted affection…

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I’ll make it to Bumbershoot one day…