You know who really gets on my mammaries…people who get off the train and light up a fag while still on the platform or in the station. You see those signs that say ‘no smoking’…they are the same ones that were on the train a second ago that you obeyed and refrained from smoking. So what happened when you got off the train? Suddenly grew some minerals did you? I bet you’re the kind of plastic revolutionaries who stand to get their overhead luggage while the seatbelt light is still on and the plane is still taxiing? Turn on your mobile before getting into the terminal? Probably don’t pay tv licence either do you? I don’t either but you probably shit yourself when the door rings right? You probably own one or more pieces of Che Guevara paraphernalia too…like a poster or t-shirt or satchel made from hemp…I’m sure Che see’s you as a kindred spirit in the way you are constantly sticking it to the man. Fucking r’tards…

I had to look up how to spell the plural forms of mammary and revolutionary…i may be getting dumber. I did double check the spelling of taxiing but i was right the first time so it’s not an epidemic just yet.

Have you ever been in the pissoir and noticed someone flush before they begin to pee? Exactly how busy is this person that they need to race against the clock and be done with peeing before the water finishes flushing? And you know it can’t be a full proper flush then…the water that’s left has got to be at least part pee or some percentage of pee, otherwise the flushing process wouldn’t need to be as long as it is. There’s a reason behind the length of the flush…why fuck with it? Just pee…flush and walk away. You don’t need to stay and monitor the situation. This guy came into the gents at work the other day and washed his hands BEFORE going to take a piss. Now that is care for one’s genitalia. He could probably eat off the thing…i bet that’s what he tells the missus anyway!

My sister’s sleep therapist gave some tips on getting a good night’s sleep. I have duly noted them and responded in kind:

• Have 30-40mins of direct sunlight (no sunglasses) as soon as I wake up (eg. go for walk, have breakfast on balcony etc)   (It’s dark when i leave for work and dark when i get home. There is also snow on my balcony.)
• Avoid bright lights at night (only dim lighting/ candles on)
• No computer or TV for 45mins before I go to bed (reading is ok)  (Dim lighting and candles and all you can do is read…so optometrist next then?)
• No hot showers at night  (it’s -5°, i’m not having a cold one…going to bed smelly then)
• No exercise at night  (oh if you insist…)
• No/ minimal alcohol at night time   (you added the minimal option in didn’t you?)
• Regular set bed time  (Provided they don’t mind me sleeping at my desk on early shifts i’m in)
• If you wake during the night, get out of bed & sit in a chair, programs your body to sleep when you are in bed  (also programmes your body to freeze in the aforementioned -5° temperatures)
• No more sleeping tablets
• No TV in bed, no checking of the clock  (Done! I don’t have a clock and i can’t see the tele from my bed)
• Keep a sleep diary  (Reads something like: “Went to bed usual time, eyes sore from reading in the dark. Woke up with sore back from sitting on a cold chair at 3am. Late for work cause couldn’t see what the time was without checking clock.”)

I acquired some more John Butler Trio recently…i suggest you buy it…

Every now and then i forget how to breathe. I know it sounds like a family guy episode gone wrong. “Hey Lois! This is worse than that time i forgot how to breathe!” But seriously i do. It’s only certain situations that trigger it and i’m not always aware. It may be like a really hot chick sitting next to me on a tube or something and i become really conscious about breathing. Just act normal. Wait what are you doing? Are you breathing heavier? She’s going to know you think she’s hot! Stop it! Breathe normally! etc. And no matter how hard i try i can’t make it return to normal. I start breathing in and doing this “In…one Mississippi…two Mississippi…out!” crap.

As you can see i have an overactive inner monologue at times. Funny story…ok i don’t really refer to the olden days that often, but i remember this was hilarious to me. A while ago when this person i knew, let’s call her…Del…had a conversation with me that went something like this:

Me: Blah blah blah why say that out loud, doesn’t he have an inner monologue?
Del: Actually Tommy, it’s an inner dialogue.
Me: …i’m sorry, what?
Del: Yeah i had this conversation with (let’s call him…Dill) and we both agreed it’s an inner dialogue…

Errr…you know i’m no wordsmith but i reckon the hint might be in the word itself…Then again i guess it depends how many voices you have in your head – might be a Tolkien novel for some. I guess i almost had an inner dialogue the other day, but that would be conceding that Fred Durst was in my head….

Fred Durst in concert (on shuffle, not by choice): “Is everybody alive right now?”
Me: Don’t get metaphysical with me Fred!

I can’t type ‘the’.

the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the

Maybe i can, bad example.

So i went to a 3 King’s show the other day…Jealous Squires? You’re Jealous! Homer we have the same chair! Some rockabilly band from Chicago. I don’t remember the name. Standard rockabilly really…couple of good covers off “Tarrantino’s Best Of”. My biggest issue with them…don’t advertise a gig for 8:00 if you don’t intend to take the stage before 10:30! Seriously it was a fucking school night and they started about 10:45 or something. Don’t any of you people have jobs? I had to leave during the first set and still didn’t get home before 1. I remember sitting there trying to guess who was actually in the band while waiting for them to get up and play. Anyone with tat’s made the short list…as did wallet chains. Only skateboarders and Musicians can get away with wallet chains. I’ve always wanted one but sadly i’m neither. I contemplated getting up and playing at one point, just to kill some time, but i probably would have been more comfortable on the minimalist drum kit than the massive hollow body Gretsch…that thing would have dwarfed anyone.

A new nickname has been coined…Dumb rich guy…haha you need to know who before it’s funny :o)

Other notable nicknames i have heard:

• Crime – For your mate who never gets a round in…Crime doesn’t pay.
• Thrush – Cause he’s an irritable cunt.
• Susan – Starring two people who look like they never sleep…Susan Sarandon and Vince Vaughan
• Beaker – (Muppets) me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me
• Satellite – She’ll pick up anything

I was discussing this the other day on the back of a “which decade do you wish you could have been alive in” discussion – 60’s without a doubt. People like Janis Joplin or Joni Mitchell simply would not be able to make it today. It doesn’t matter how good your voice is, or how good a songwriter you are, you have to look the part today. You have to be marketable. Think about it. Name a musician today, and for this discussion’s purposes i’m thinking only of female musicians, that is not good looking and has ‘made it’? Ok maybe Alanis Morrisette – the Ruud Van Nistlerooy of music. Even that druggie bitch with all the shit in her face…Amy Winehouse doesn’t count. I wouldn’t go near her either – i’m pretty sure you can catch the hiv by watching her videos – but she did not get famous for her talent. Much like the other tosser Doherty, if neither of them were fuck ups then we wouldn’t know of them now. Despite Squires’ best pleads, Doherty is a poor man’s excuse for a musician…

Hope this is what you wanted.
Hope this is what you had in mind.
Cause this is what you’re getting!