There is a sign at my local tube station that reads something like:

“Walk carefully on the escalators – last month 34 serious injuries, 1 fatality.”

I don’t know if I should be more cautious of the evidently lethal metal stairs or the apparent hordes of retards surrounding me that are using them.

I met my first lacrosse douche the other day having only ever seen them in American teen coming of age movies. This specimen was stretching before boarding a train? I guess they are all douches.

Things i hate:

• Denim dan’s. Not cool unless you’re from a hick town that has banned dancing and you’re going to attempt to remedy the situation by playing chicken on a tractor…
• Sitting across from a coffee drinker on the bus in a morning.
• When the aforementioned coffee drinker also smokes.
• People that have headphones on while sitting with their friends…who also smoke and drink coffee.

Things I like:

• Critiquing the prawn sitting opposite to me on the bus on my blackberry and occasionally looking past him ‘out the window’ for inspiration to finish my ‘email’…
• Reading the instructions on things which are fairly intuitive to use, just see how close to the mark I am.
• Finding out I have been using dishwashing liquid correctly.
• That wave of air that follows a girl a second or so after she walks past you that carries her perfume.

You don’t need to be a genius to figure out who this song reminds me of.

Do you remember, nothing stopped us on the field in our day…

You know who really gets on my mammaries…people who get off the train and light up a fag while still on the platform or in the station. You see those signs that say ‘no smoking’…they are the same ones that were on the train a second ago that you obeyed and refrained from smoking. So what happened when you got off the train? Suddenly grew some minerals did you? I bet you’re the kind of plastic revolutionaries who stand to get their overhead luggage while the seatbelt light is still on and the plane is still taxiing? Turn on your mobile before getting into the terminal? Probably don’t pay tv licence either do you? I don’t either but you probably shit yourself when the door rings right? You probably own one or more pieces of Che Guevara paraphernalia too…like a poster or t-shirt or satchel made from hemp…I’m sure Che see’s you as a kindred spirit in the way you are constantly sticking it to the man. Fucking r’tards…

I had to look up how to spell the plural forms of mammary and revolutionary…i may be getting dumber. I did double check the spelling of taxiing but i was right the first time so it’s not an epidemic just yet.

Have you ever been in the pissoir and noticed someone flush before they begin to pee? Exactly how busy is this person that they need to race against the clock and be done with peeing before the water finishes flushing? And you know it can’t be a full proper flush then…the water that’s left has got to be at least part pee or some percentage of pee, otherwise the flushing process wouldn’t need to be as long as it is. There’s a reason behind the length of the flush…why fuck with it? Just pee…flush and walk away. You don’t need to stay and monitor the situation. This guy came into the gents at work the other day and washed his hands BEFORE going to take a piss. Now that is care for one’s genitalia. He could probably eat off the thing…i bet that’s what he tells the missus anyway!

My sister’s sleep therapist gave some tips on getting a good night’s sleep. I have duly noted them and responded in kind:

• Have 30-40mins of direct sunlight (no sunglasses) as soon as I wake up (eg. go for walk, have breakfast on balcony etc)   (It’s dark when i leave for work and dark when i get home. There is also snow on my balcony.)
• Avoid bright lights at night (only dim lighting/ candles on)
• No computer or TV for 45mins before I go to bed (reading is ok)  (Dim lighting and candles and all you can do is read…so optometrist next then?)
• No hot showers at night  (it’s -5°, i’m not having a cold one…going to bed smelly then)
• No exercise at night  (oh if you insist…)
• No/ minimal alcohol at night time   (you added the minimal option in didn’t you?)
• Regular set bed time  (Provided they don’t mind me sleeping at my desk on early shifts i’m in)
• If you wake during the night, get out of bed & sit in a chair, programs your body to sleep when you are in bed  (also programmes your body to freeze in the aforementioned -5° temperatures)
• No more sleeping tablets
• No TV in bed, no checking of the clock  (Done! I don’t have a clock and i can’t see the tele from my bed)
• Keep a sleep diary  (Reads something like: “Went to bed usual time, eyes sore from reading in the dark. Woke up with sore back from sitting on a cold chair at 3am. Late for work cause couldn’t see what the time was without checking clock.”)

I acquired some more John Butler Trio recently…i suggest you buy it…

I will never pay attention to any girl or woman who says that all men suck or are crap or any variation on the theme. Not that i agree or disagree with them, just that they are the root cause of what men are. You made your bed, fucking lie in it. If you think we’re all shit it’s your fault. This conclusion stems from the most annoying phrase ever uttered by a human being – and when i say ‘ever’ i clearly mean anything that i can think of at this present point in time pertinent to the point i am trying to make – and that is “Yeah, girls do like the bad guys.” Have you ever heard of Darwin? Origin of the Species? Are you familiar with the theory of evolution? Genetics? Any of these things ring a bell? If chicks dig the bad guy, it pretty much means the bad guy is the only one getting ‘any’ – hence the only one likely to be able to reproduce and shoot off some sort of evil offspring capable of carrying on his father’s legacy, should said bad-guy choose to stay around the aforementioned woman long enough to model him in his own image. So what the fuck do you expect? Nice guys apparently only become a viable option once the woman has been shat on like 400 times and decides it’s time for her to ‘settle down’ at which point said nice guy is probably shooting blanks therefore confirming the hypotheses that nice guys do in fact finish last, and sometimes not at all. You only have yourselves to blame. Reap it.

Turns out i have a vast reservoir of hatred to rely on when needed…

The other day i Googled my acoustic to see if i could find a picture of it to show a colleague. Curiosity got the better of me so i decided to see what else i could find out about it. I remember putting the serial number into the Fender website and coming up with nada a few years ago so i wasn’t expecting to find much. Turns out there isn’t a whole lot of information out there, and quite a few people are looking for it. Anyway, in the three pages of Google that i looked at, this is what i came up with:

From the Fender website: Unfortunately, our records are not complete enough to provide precise dating information for many early Fender acoustic guitars. Although the tables below are as accurate as possible, serial numbers of these acoustic guitars have never been archived and are of no assistance when attempting to date the instruments.

Fender Catalina

CALIFORNIA SERIES (ACOUSTIC GUITARS IMPORTED FROM JAPAN FROM ABOUT 1982 TO 1985, THEN IMPORTED FROM KOREA FROM ABOUT 1985 TO 1992) – Mine was made in Korea which dates it between 85-92.

Originally sold for $295 to $370 (presumably USD)

Spruce top, mahogany back and sides, Rosewood Fingerboard.

The guitar carries the neck and headstock of early Strats so has the feel of an acoustic Strat. A slightly high action makes it tricky to play at first, although it has fantastic sound.

I got my Catalina from a second hand guitar store in Coogee in Sydney Australia. I forget the name of the store but it was great, they used to do great mods and refurbs etc. I paid $200 AUD for it with slight body damage.

Top 5 Band names ever (see previous definition of ‘ever’). Please note i do not necessarily endorse the music of the following acts:

1. And you will know us by the trail of the dead
2. Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.
3. Jack Off Jill
4. My Baby wants to eat your pussy
5. Machine Gun Fellatio

Special mention must go to Anno Domini High Definition. ok so it’s not a band name but ADHD for a prog rock album name is just class.

Did you ever get the feeling Frank Sinatra really wasn’t trying all of the time? He is kind of like the music equivalent of someone speaking with a heavy French accent. They could say something disgustingly vile and it will sound sexy. “I trimmed ze crud from my matted pubic hair with your nasal hair trimmer“. Now if you did the right accent when reading that, it’s pretty much guaranteed the women around you are slightly aroused. In the same manner, Ol Blue Eyes sang some absolutely rubbish songs, but because of the voice you tend not to notice. I recently ‘acquired’ The complete Capitol Singles collection thinking it might be like a best of compilation or so. Sure there are classics like ‘Young at Heart’ etc but he’s got songs on there about mowing the lawn and crap…musical facebook statuses if you will. Fair enough i don’t think he wrote any of the songs he sang but jaysus, have some respect man!

Enzyme missing people cunts

Butt crack people cunts

Suit-wearing people cunts

Cunts that use the word people instead of cunts.

YMCA – Village Cunts.

Hearing the same CD three times in a night over four pints.

Cunts that ask German questions first in an Irish pub quiz!

Bandwagon-jumping-on cunts.

Turncoat cunts.

Cunts who try to join in your Joke.

Overbite cunts.

Cunts that speak English with an American accent when they are not American (and not Filipino).

Old cunts.

Cunts that eat hamburgers with cutlery.

Cunts that mix shit with their beer.

Every cunt at the airport who gets off the escalators at the airport and just stands there looking for signs.

Cunts that take the middle urinal out of three. (The very definition of a cunt.)

Cunts who fight for equal rights and then want to be treated special.

Cunts who are taller than me.

Cunts who order Bulmers with no ice.

Breaking my seal.

Saying no to chump change – it’s Money bitch!

Hallo! (WIth inflection)

Hallochen…cunts.

People that get excited over quiz answers.

Guys who clap over shit.

KFC when they don’t take our voucher and charge us double.

Sauce.

Bighead cunts.

St Pauli Fans (Excluding Mexico who just needed a hoodie)

Being tired like a cunt.

Germans who speak English to other Germans.

Half beer cunts.

Cunts who don’t use smote enough (This is my personal favorite for its absurdness.)

Cunts who persist in clapping.

Missing out on having my balls massaged. (I must have been in the bathroom when this chance event occurred.)

German songs.

Questions about Bridget Jones (The movie, not the chick from Southside.)

Building Cunts – e.g. Kevin Costner

Cunts that stop me from doing Lord of the Dance.

It’s good to know someone else shares my propensity for this word.