Every now and then i forget how to breathe. I know it sounds like a family guy episode gone wrong. “Hey Lois! This is worse than that time i forgot how to breathe!” But seriously i do. It’s only certain situations that trigger it and i’m not always aware. It may be like a really hot chick sitting next to me on a tube or something and i become really conscious about breathing. Just act normal. Wait what are you doing? Are you breathing heavier? She’s going to know you think she’s hot! Stop it! Breathe normally! etc. And no matter how hard i try i can’t make it return to normal. I start breathing in and doing this “In…one Mississippi…two Mississippi…out!” crap.

As you can see i have an overactive inner monologue at times. Funny story…ok i don’t really refer to the olden days that often, but i remember this was hilarious to me. A while ago when this person i knew, let’s call her…Del…had a conversation with me that went something like this:

Me: Blah blah blah why say that out loud, doesn’t he have an inner monologue?
Del: Actually Tommy, it’s an inner dialogue.
Me: …i’m sorry, what?
Del: Yeah i had this conversation with (let’s call him…Dill) and we both agreed it’s an inner dialogue…

Errr…you know i’m no wordsmith but i reckon the hint might be in the word itself…Then again i guess it depends how many voices you have in your head – might be a Tolkien novel for some. I guess i almost had an inner dialogue the other day, but that would be conceding that Fred Durst was in my head….

Fred Durst in concert (on shuffle, not by choice): “Is everybody alive right now?”
Me: Don’t get metaphysical with me Fred!

I can’t type ‘the’.

the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the

Maybe i can, bad example.

So i went to a 3 King’s show the other day…Jealous Squires? You’re Jealous! Homer we have the same chair! Some rockabilly band from Chicago. I don’t remember the name. Standard rockabilly really…couple of good covers off “Tarrantino’s Best Of”. My biggest issue with them…don’t advertise a gig for 8:00 if you don’t intend to take the stage before 10:30! Seriously it was a fucking school night and they started about 10:45 or something. Don’t any of you people have jobs? I had to leave during the first set and still didn’t get home before 1. I remember sitting there trying to guess who was actually in the band while waiting for them to get up and play. Anyone with tat’s made the short list…as did wallet chains. Only skateboarders and Musicians can get away with wallet chains. I’ve always wanted one but sadly i’m neither. I contemplated getting up and playing at one point, just to kill some time, but i probably would have been more comfortable on the minimalist drum kit than the massive hollow body Gretsch…that thing would have dwarfed anyone.

A new nickname has been coined…Dumb rich guy…haha you need to know who before it’s funny :o)

Other notable nicknames i have heard:

• Crime – For your mate who never gets a round in…Crime doesn’t pay.
• Thrush – Cause he’s an irritable cunt.
• Susan – Starring two people who look like they never sleep…Susan Sarandon and Vince Vaughan
• Beaker – (Muppets) me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me
• Satellite – She’ll pick up anything

I was discussing this the other day on the back of a “which decade do you wish you could have been alive in” discussion – 60′s without a doubt. People like Janis Joplin or Joni Mitchell simply would not be able to make it today. It doesn’t matter how good your voice is, or how good a songwriter you are, you have to look the part today. You have to be marketable. Think about it. Name a musician today, and for this discussion’s purposes i’m thinking only of female musicians, that is not good looking and has ‘made it’? Ok maybe Alanis Morrisette – the Ruud Van Nistlerooy of music. Even that druggie bitch with all the shit in her face…Amy Winehouse doesn’t count. I wouldn’t go near her either – i’m pretty sure you can catch the hiv by watching her videos – but she did not get famous for her talent. Much like the other tosser Doherty, if neither of them were fuck ups then we wouldn’t know of them now. Despite Squires’ best pleads, Doherty is a poor man’s excuse for a musician…

Hope this is what you wanted.
Hope this is what you had in mind.
Cause this is what you’re getting!

Cue Metallica circa ’94:

Pretty crap right. If only i had known this when i was at the gig in the next clip:

So at the time i thought this was kind of cool you know. I wasn’t completely sold on Will Duvall by this stage (i am now). Had i have known that he was openly taking the piss out of Layne some 12 years earlier then i probably would have thrown my shoe at the prick as well. On a day when the main stage lineup was Alice in Chains followed by Deftones, Korn and Tool and ALL of the bands gave props to AiC and how good it was to see them performing again then this kind of cheapens it for me now.

So anyway, it got me thinking how much Metallica actually annoy me. So here is a little sketch for you. I wish i could draw cause i picture this in my head as a cartoon but unfortunately im a tard when it comes to drawing so you jut get the script. Maybe someone else can draw it up.

The demise of Metallica

New bassplayer who kind of looks like the guy from Korn: Man, the new album is dop yo. We got this phat sound it’s like proper old school y’all.

Lars Ulrich: I’m sorry, what?

James Hetfield: I told you man. That’s how the kids of today talk man…he’s going to reunite us with our estranged fans man.

Lars Ulrich: But, aren’t you like 50?

Kirk Hammett: You know why they’re estranged don’t you Lars? Remember Napster? Yeah great job there dude. Alienate all of our fans that use a computer. Look around at our gigs now man, it’s a bunch of prehistoric rock dinosaurs man. These cats in their tight black jeans and leather jackets man. They still want our albums on vinyl!

Lars: Is your hair receding Kirk?

Kirk: Shut up man, my forehead hasn’t finished growing yet…

Hetfield: So what do you want to do for the gig tonight man…you wanna do that Layne Staley bit again? Where we pretend to shoot up?

Lars: Yeah man! That’s some funny ass shit!

Kirk: Don’t you think it’s kind of retarded that we make fun of him for using, when James you had to go to rehab, and we all had to go to counselling for our own problems and addictions…and then we made a movie about how retarded we are…

Lars: You are…

Kirk: You know i was thinking, you know how we’re a bit short on cash thanks to St. Anger being crap…maybe we can sell your second bass drum…it’s not like you use it…

Lars: Hey Fuck you man…there was that bit in ‘One’…i used it towards the end.

Hetfield: Dude that was like 20 years ago…

Lars: Fuck you greybeard!

Hetfield: Yeah nice nipple rings on your saggy old man boobs!

Lars: Speaking of St Anger…did you forget how to solo Kirt?

Kirk (imitating Lars): Hey guys i got this new beat i want to try out for the new album…it goes “Kick..snare..kick..snare..kick..snare..kick kick..snare” Fucking best work i’ve ever done.

Hetfield: Why do you play with your shirt off? It’s not like are working hard. You’re like drumming 101…seriously Meg White learnt to drum off our last four albums…

Kirk: We even asked her to join the band when we got the new bassist, but she refused to play any of your work saying it was beneath her.

Lars: Yeah well we tried to hire Joleon Lescott for lead guitar as well, but he didn’t want people confusing him for your forehead!

New Bass player: Guys come on man, this shit is whack yo.

Hetfield: Hey shut the fuck up new guy! What’s with the basketball shorts and singlet tops man? Did you not get the memo? Black jeans. Black shirt. Black accessories. Black! We’re a heavy metal band! We’re fucking Metallica! Metal is in our name! You can’t spell Metal without Metallica..no wait..Metallica without Metal…yeah Metallica without Metal…cause we have metal inside us!

Kirk: We’re like the terminator man, metal on the inside, flesh on the outside…we are musical terminators.

Hetfield: That’s awesome man…i’m gonna write that shit down. I feel Unforgiven IV coming on…

Lars: I can hear the beat in my head already…

Cunts the lot of them.

So i’m not allowed to discuss the c-bomb and now i can’t talk about fashion either. There’s just no keeping Squires’ high-brow audience happy is there. I might go back and edit my post (if i can’t write a new one) to include ugg-boots worn outside the house – that’s a definite no-no.

Me: There really are a lot of fit women in Frankfurt
Berger: There is a huge difference between ‘fit’ and ‘accessible’.

I used to watch a lot of stand-up comedy when i was living in Australia. I’d go to uni during the day and straight to work at the Rusty (RSL, club, pub) and then get home at 1-2 in the morning or so. Of course you can’t go straight to sleep as anyone who has done shift work will tell you, so i’d watch tele. What else is on at 2 in the morning than the comedy channel.

I remember this clip and I’m paraphrasing something i saw about 8 or 9 years ago here, but if it rings a bell and someone could tell me the comedian’s name i’d be much appreciative. Google gave me nothing.

You know when you fancy a girl and she tells you that everything is so good between you that she’d just like to keep it as friends? Imagine that in a job interview…

Thanks for coming Tommy. We’ve had a look through your cv and it’s very impressive. You’ve got written down here that you’re honest, not afraid of commitment…you’re good looking (creative licence rocks!)…we’ve seen you’re hilarious…basically you are exactly what we are looking for, but we’d just rather not. We admit, you are perfect for the role, in fact so much so that if you wouldn’t mind we’d like to keep your cv on file and call you to complain about the guys that we do take on and how bad they are at the job…

Want to know how to keep a fool waiting? I’ll tell you next week…

No seriously, do you want to know how to keep a fool waiting? Send him a text message which reads:

* some text missing *cking Amazing!!!

Watch how long they wait for the rest of that message to show up…

I have realised i have become desensitized to life in general. For a while i thought my body was just rejecting life. Strange illnesses, bites and rashes…it was just like i was allergic to being. Now it seems my mentality has joined the party. I don’t know that i experience polarities of feelings anymore. I don’t really get happy, or sad, or find things funny or scary or horrifying – i get annoyed a lot but that doesn’t really count. I find it hard to remember a time when i could truly answer “i’m happy”. Sure, United winning cheers me up briefly, and music still elicits a reaction, but the rest is some sort of unresponsive, indifferent, grey numbness. I can’t surround myself with music and football every day. I watch movies and tv and barely register that it’s on. How did i like the movie? It was ok. Was it? I have no idea. It is my standard response to everything. How are you? I’m ok. Am i? I wouldn’t know. I’ve given up caring. I’ve managed to remove almost every thing or person which was causing me anxiety or stress from my life, to the point that i just float around independent of connection. I look forward to the occasional argument to fire up the coals of my wit to see if it still works. Would a change of scenery help? Probably not. I don’t know what would. I’ll just carry on my semi-detached existence hoping that something sparks me back to life. I’ve gone from being a man of bridled enthusiasm, to being a man of bridled participation.

Told you i was fucking hilarious.