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The best song about gang-rape ever

Why can’t self-deprecating humour or observations be just what it says on the box? Why does it always have to be a cry for sympathy or reassurance? If i say my food poisoning was welcomed as i could probably do with losing a bit of weight…it is because i am probably 15 or 20 kilos over weight, not because i want the recipient of my humour to try to tell me I’m not. If i don’t think i’m technical enough to pass a techie interview that would be because i’m entirely self-taught and didn’t cover all the basics but skipped to the parts i actually use. I make independent observations about myself all the time, but when i tell other people about them it makes them uncomfortable and resort to stupid reassuring comments that mean fuck all to anyone with half a brain. Yet if i make these observations about someone else – oh that’s insightful, oh yeah i never thought of it like that, you know you’re right they do that because of that. I can’t be introspective? Maybe not with relationships…i’ll concede to that one but in everyday observations i can’t see why i can’t say the things that i do. It’s not me being depressed or a cry for help…im just pointing out cause and effect…

Two ‘revelations’ about myself that people don’t like me saying and always try to come up with alternative explanations that are invariably weak and nothing more than a more wordy version of ‘no you’re not’…

  1. I don’t like people…but i can get along with people if need be. There was a point when i couldn’t get along with anyone and struggled, but i worked at it. Now i can and i don’t think i’m any better off for it.
  2. I don’t think i present my true self. It’s a tangent to point 1, but in working out how to get along with people i had to become something a bit different, and now i think i do it subconsciously when meeting people…moulding myself to their needs, or what is lacking in the situation. It is not deceptive – i just don’t think i have a true self anymore. Quite liberating if i get to choose i guess. Just how long i’ve felt/known this i don’t know.

From my song book circa 2001:

I don’t know who that i am
I don’t know who i should be
Which version do i show you?
Which one do i believe?

Uncomfortable yet? Even as you read it you are thinking of reassuring things to say. Why? If i said the same things above about someone else you would merely think if those statements apply to that person and evaluate them on their merit…Why not when they are self-describing?

Moving on swiftly…so gang-rape songs…

Actually, the title refers to a conversation with Boychild about the Kenny Rogers song Coward of the County but i’m going to talk about one of his other songs…so it really bares no significance to this post at all. Disappointed? Did you end up here on a google search for gang-rape? Weirdo.

Have you ever listened to the words of the Gambler? I was told by a Kiwi guy i shared a room with when i moved to London who first introduced me to it. Apparently it’s like the unofficial national anthem of New Zealand. Anyway…fairly catchy bonfire, too many beers, sing-along type chorus, but the actual content matter is pure bollocks. Have a look.

On a warm summer’s evenin’ on a train bound for nowhere

Seem’s an odd train to catch really. I mean you can’t help but feeling this is where his troubles started

I met up with the gambler; we were both too tired to sleep.

Apparently only insomniacs board destinationless trains…people that have slept can read the schedule and wait for the right one

So we took turns at starin’ out the window at the darkness

Destinationless trains tend to have really tiny windows…

’til boredom overtook us, and he began to speak.

Kenny was obviously still captivated by the darkness through the tiny window and was ready to hold out for a bit longer

He said, “Son, I’ve made a life out of readin’ people’s faces,

I’m not your kid…i’m freaking 50 years old…check my beard out…it’s all grey and shit.

and knowin’ what their cards were by the way they held their eyes.

Seriously, i’m probably closer to 100…unless you’re the emperor from Star Wars i think you have to respect me biatch

And if you don’t mind my sayin’, I can see you’re out of aces.

Thanks captain obvious, i’m on a train going nowhere apparently with only a little bit of whiskey and a really tiny window

For a taste of your whiskey I’ll give you some advice.”

Yeah seems like a fair deal…

So I handed him my bottle and he drank down my last swallow.


Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light.

Anything else you want there chief…my first born?

And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression.

You say Whiskey, i say Rufies…

Said, “If you’re gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.

My rufies…my rules….boy

You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,
know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table.
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done.

For the last of my whiskey i was kind of hoping you would tell me when to hold, fold and run? No?

Ev’ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin’
is knowin’ what to throw away and knowing what to keep.

Yeah i understood that part in the chorus, but i clearly don’t know. So are you going to tell me or you just want more of my shit?

‘Cause ev’ry hand’s a winner and ev’ry hand’s a loser,
and the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep.”

I’m not much of a gambler but i’ve got to say it doesn’t sound much of a hobby. I whittle. The best i hope for is a nice piece of wood really.

And when he’d finished speakin’, he turned back towards the window

That’s it? That’s the end of your advice? I want my Whiskey back.

crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep.

…my cigarette….

And somewhere in the darkness the gambler, he broke even.

What do you mean somewhere in the darkness…how big is this cabin? and why does it have such tiny windows if it’s so big? Who dies right after a story? Did he look sick Kenny? Did you just sit there and watch the man die? Too much rufalin?

But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep.

Whiskey/Rufies, cigarettes and a light…Kenny gets a second chorus..

You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,
know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table.
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done.

And the only person who knew when to hold, fold and run just died. This is the worst train trip ever!

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2 witty retorts to “The best song about gang-rape ever”

  1. Squires says:

    I was comtemplating comments about how fat you are and the causes of your eating disorder…but then I got to the funny part, started giggling and lost my wit…

    nice entry :)

  2. Squires says:

    my anticipation whilst reloading your page tonight was palpable…when I saw that after your holiday you still had no entry I actually made a noise out loud….it was dissapointment in case you were wondering…prick…4 months…

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