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The Socially Retarded Tortoise Plan

I don’t really feel like writing yet, so i’m not sure how long this one will be. Maybe the final destination ending i foresaw may not have been a bad option after all. Let’s just say my holiday turned out nothing like i had planned. C’est la vie, and all that clich├ęd dribble. Whilst it was enlightening in the fact that i finally found out i suffer from Assburgers disorder and BBD (a rare syndrome where you believe you are a mediocre east coast early 90’s rap group), like Phong says, it doesn’t take multiple degrees to see that i have a personality disorder. However, the trip also brought an end to both my noblest of crushes, and my most irrational pursuit.

You see, i had for some years now held on to some fictional sense of fate that i would one day end up marrying this person. She still is to this day the only girl I have ever cold-approached. I think most people who know me, knew of this, so this is nothing new to you – nor is my infamous declaration that i would leave any relationship i was in, in a heart-beat were she to take a change of heart and fancy. Just reeks of longevity doesn’t it? So why write about it if you all know? On the off-chance that she’ll read it? Not likely. She is too busy changing the world. No, this is a cathartic process.

With the relief of the crush gone i can now objectively assess the situation and its inherent irrationality. What was my plan? Apparently it was to sit back and watch her date and see whoever, and just be there in case she ever changes her mind. Yes it was the socially retarded tortoise plan.

The Socially retarded tortoise plan is not really a viable option children. Its success rate, it’s fair to say, is miniscule. It is only just above the pity relationship. It is relying on the person to suffer so many relationships with fuckups and tools that you start to look like a good option, and whatever the reasons for you not being a good option in the first place begin to be excused. It takes dedication and a certain sense of blindness to reality. It also takes a very long time. So you flirt with the idea of seeing other people, but you never really throw yourself totally into the game, just in case the hare trips up or something and you have a chance to catch up. All in all it is not a very good plan, and was unfortunately the one i chose.

But with the crush gone and the plan gone, the last stabling influence i had let into my life vanishes also. It’s not that i don’t know the difference between right and wrong any more in what i can and can’t say or do, i just don’t care. I mean, as Rivers wrote, why bother?

You could say my hatred for others has had it’s bridle removed…

In response to the age old adage ‘who needs enemies with friends like mine’ i once wrote that i was not taking on any new friendships, only acquaintances from now on, in a vain attempt to reduce the amount of shit that was raining down on me from great heights. Recent times suggest that this was not enough as apparently existing friends can reduce you to nothingness in the silence of a Spanish siesta.

Chris can say it better than me…you can’t change me…

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