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Why can’t we not be sober?

Have you ever noticed how abstinence is the only thing that is regarded as an achievement that involves simply doing nothing. I did nothing today – You fucking lazy shit! I didn’t drink today – well done!

Have you ever watched old people? I mean not just watching them as they walk at an ever decreasing pace in front of you. I mean i walk slow but i’ve seen retarded, one-legged ants cover a greater distance than some of them. They would probably be able to move faster if they just jumped and let the earth’s rotation move underneath them. But i mean proper watched them from some vantage point? waiting for a train or something like that? Sooner or later they will stop and check what they’re doing…as if they are not 100% sure they should be doing it. Like when they randomly stop everyone around you at the airport to get their bag swabbed and you’re not really sure if you are allowed to walk through or they are going to call in special ops to hunt you down…

I watched this guy today, walking along carrying a bag. After about 10 metres he stopped looked down at the bag…brought it up towards his face a little for closer inspection…obviously was happy that it was in fact a bag…then lowered it again, this time trailing his eyes from his hand up past his wrist, via the elbow and then into his chest as if to say…will you look at that…it’s me holding that, that is. Should i be holding it? I don’t know. But i am…and then continued to walk on. Either this was his first successful attempt at carrying a bag, or he was merely confirming his own actions. Like he may have just forgotten that he was walking carrying a bag.

I shouldn’t take the piss out of old people, being all senile and stuff. Could happen to anyone i guess. I’ve always found the best present to give older people are memories. I mean they are 100 years old and stuff so probably have everything by now anyway…so give them a memory. The classy thing is, that if they do have a bit of the senile about them, you don’t even have to give them their own memories…or yours. Just make shit up. Remember that time when we went to Antarctica together? That was grouse. Yeah remember the camera froze over so we lost all our photos. You were so funny…what you did to that eskimo…sorry Inuit. We certainly learn’t that one the hard way didn’t we… ha ha ha. Well, see you next Christmas!

You may have noticed i tend to swear a lot. To quote my Mum’s words:

“It’s ok, i won’t stop you writing like that cause i don’t have time to read it anyway.”

I mean with those sorts of glowing references you can see why i like writing.

“But you know…girls don’t really like…you know…THAT word…”

It’s kind of cute that my Mum assumes this is the way i’m pulling chicks. Kind of cute but somewhat alarming…

But see what i don’t get is people that swear in print, but they do it with like weird characters replacing the letters but so you still know what they are saying. The ONLY reason to do this is to avoid swear filters at work and that sort of thing. I understand that. That’s when umlauts and special characters come in handy.

Sh!t Fück Cünt Ärse P€nis Lädyb!ts etc.

But why do it on other mediums…texts, wastebook etc? What is the purpose. Do these people think that actually seeing the word is worse than the meaning behind it? Who are these cretins? How did the world end up this way?

Sally Spastic is f%&ked off at her sl&tty friends!

We clearly know what you are saying, so just say it you retard. Is this like some weird way of saying, look don’t get me wrong…and then berating someone?

I hope people don’t think i’m rude but… Tomi Hendrix f%&king hates you. Hates that you breathe the same air as him and wishes you to choke and die you f$%king c#%k-stain c%&t!

Going back to that bag-swabbing bit at the airport, i’ve been flying a lot recently and so have gotten used to the routine of security check-in and what have you. I’ve even bought a little netbook thingy for when i’m waiting at airports. So anyway i went to check-in the other day at Frankfurt and took my laptop out and they pulled me over to the side and said we’re just going to need to test your laptop for a bit. I’m like fine. But as we’re walking over i started thinking…i wonder what my last webpage was… if they open it up it’s just going to come up with the browser…fuck i hope it’s not Stella’s Lesbian Adventures…

How successful is this test anyway? Who is making bombs and says, hang on a minute…i might just go check Facebook?

John Smith became a fan of over-the-counter fertilizer, Hydrogen Peroxide, and Sixteen other pages.

What, John Smith can’t be a terrorist too? Racist pricks!

Speaking of stereotypes, took my seat on the plane the other night on the way to London. 24B if i’m not mistaken. Watching this blonde surfie chick walking down the aisle looking at the row numbers. She stops in the row ahead of me and says to the girl by the window – ummm i think you’re in my seat? – and shows the girl her boarding pass.

“Your seat is 10C. 23A is the gate…”


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One measly response to “Why can’t we not be sober?”

  1. Squires says:

    high praise!!! Well done.

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